Post # 1
Normally I would not get involved but a friend of mines FI has contacted me pleading me to knock some common sense into her…
Well this friend is planning her wedding for December of this year and is not in the financial position to do so. I’ve tentatively cancelled my September wedding because I couldn’t afford it and we are actually better off than they are!
So she is planning a $5000 wedding minimum… she doesn’t have a job and is 2 years away from graduating her college course – last summer she could only find a part time summer job and saved nothing from it. Her FI is temporarily off of work due to a twisted knee and is getting puny cheques that are only about 1/5 of his regular income… even his regular income is barely enough to pay the bills.
She just got their GST cheques in the mail and her FI had thought they’d buy the groceries for the month and give them some breathing room. SURPRISE TIME! She has apparently already gone out and used that amount to put a deposit down on a photographer and venue when signing the contracts. These contracts are for thousands of dollars…
Her FI says she is delusional about their finances right now. They are making only about a third of what they need to pay the bills and his parents are willing to help them get by but if they find out she is wedding spending they’ll cut them off and they’ll be homeless. He’s apparently tried to talk to her about the money but she keeps on saying she’ll somehow make it work, that when their taxes come in it’ll be fine, that she is sure she’ll get a full time job, that she is sure he’ll be back to work very soon (he may not even be going back with the severity) and generally that is has to work out because she can’t cancel this wedding.
She apparently had a complete meltdown last night after he confronted her about all of this and tried to put his foot down. She was hyperventilating when he said she had to go and ask for the deposits back today and started screaming that he’ll humiliate her and that she deserves the wedding to happen on schedule. He said it was so bad that he thought there was something medically wrong with her!
She is a very proud person who likes to keep up the appearance that she has the money to get whatever she wishes… when she can’t buy nice things she’ll tell people she is saving for something extravagent. She is going to destroy not only their relationship but her life as well if she doesn’t take a step back and accept that she can’t be spending on the wedding right now. Know one really knows about the date yet but I know she is likely going to tell everyone very soon so then she can argue that everyone knows.
Does anyone know how to best approach a person who thinks like this? How I can maybe show her that not wedding planning right now is the right choice and not the end of the world?
I’ve left her a message that I want her to come over to my place to talk so if she accepts we’ll be dealing with this tonight!
Post # 3
Personally, I wouldn’t say a word to her. It was wrong for her FI to contact you about their financial problems. This is something that they need to work out between the two of them.
Post # 4
@arsing89: He messaged me because she refuses to listen to him, if she doesn’t see sense they are going to lose their apartment, that happens and he is going to leave her. He expressed this as a last resort, if he felt that it was going to be okay he would’ve left me out of it, he also knows that I am aware of their financial situation…
He is also generally concerned about her mental health, he thinks she is having some kind of nervous breakdown or something.
Post # 5
Mind your business. She’s grown and will do what she wants in the end. I don’t know why he’s putting you in the middle. he sleeps with her yet she’s not listening, what makes him think you are going to have more pull?
Post # 6
Unfortunately, there’s not much you can do. Some people just learn the hard way. If her own FI can’t get through to her, it’s unlikely you will, and it will probably just cause more problems. I would stay out of it.
Post # 7
Do not get involved in this, how is their marriage going to function if they need a third party to come in and screw their heads on???
Post # 8
@WeddingBells2014: If this is a mental health thing then he needs to call her doctor, not her friend.
I’m sure you mean well but stay out of it.
Post # 9
@WeddingBells2014: It’s still wrong. I would be ubber pissed at my FI if he went to one of my friends and told them about our finanical situation. If he is concerned about her health-he needs to take her to a doctor.
Like another poster said, I highly doubt that you are going to be able to get through to her. I have a feeling all that is going to end up happening is you losing a friendship.
Post # 10
You can say all you want but by the sound of things she just won’t listen. If she can’t hear her FI then I doubt she’ll listen to you, if anything she’ll just come to resent you.
Post # 11
I suggest you speak with her but don’t bring this up. If she is having a breakdown she may see this as you two scheming behind her back and will hate both of you for it. Instead you may want to sit her down and ask her how things are, make sure she is okay.
You can gently bring up the wedding and ask her how thats going, if she brings up the fight or the deposit situation that is when you can input that people would understand and that it’d be better to put planning off until she knows they have the money.
If you end up tackling the issue without her introducing it she’ll likley have a meltdown at your place as well. If she is as proud as you say this will be a major blow to her as she likely thinks that even though you know about their situation that you don’t know she can’t afford a wedding.
When you do speak to her and you feel something is medically wrong with her I would speak to her FI and express your concern. Tell him that he needs to reach out and get her some professional help and not let her spiral out of control, chances are she needs a professional to help her get through this.
It is kind of unfair that he put this on her shoulders, if anything he should’ve reached out to her family first and then to close friends.
Post # 12
It’s quite frankly none of your FI’s business, and certainly none of yours.
I recommend you stay out of other peoples finances.
Post # 13
I agree with all the posters so far.. If she can’t even listen to her FI, why would she listen to anyone else? She might be so embarassed that you know about their financial situation and end up hurting or upsetting you too!
Post # 14
Thank you all for your advice. Once I take a step back I can see that this is heading for a disaster if I try to get into the middle and fix it.
She is a friend and I really want to help, but at the same time I can’t really help unless she asks for it.
@JessicaJupiter: I am going to take you up on your advice. I am still trying to get her to come over and talk but we won’t talk about this unless she brings it up. I am also genuinly concerned that she may be having a mental break but I don’t want to advice him to just call the hospital unless I can see it too – she may just be being stubborn and dramatic about it and having her thrown in the hospital would severely escalate the issues.
I also know that he did put this on me unfairly because he is aware of my situation and that I actually went ahead and put a stop to all wedding planning for now, I guess in his head she’d listen to me more because I’ve gone through the ego hit of cancelling the plans and maybe she couldn’t just say I didn’t understand.
Post # 15
That really REALLY REALLY sucks. But it’s not your business. I can understand that her fiance is desparate and is just reaching out because he hasn’t been able to get through to her. But ultimately this is a decision and discussion for them and I don’t think you can tactfully tell you friend she’s wrong.
What you can do is be a supportive friend. You can support her without supporting her decisions. You can also talk to her about your own financial struggles and decision to cancel your wedding. In fact, I’d talk about that a lot. Maybe even ask her advice or how she’s handling things. But don’t be accusatory or she’ll just get defensive and panicky. If you can show vulnerability, maybe that will help her get over her pride and discuss her own money concerns as well. At that point, I think it’s okay to offer advice and support and do all the things that a good friend would do.
Also, I would, under no circumstances, tell her that you were contacted about this by her fiance. Unless she directly asks, and then I wouldn’t lie. But I definitely would not bring it up. You’re her friend. That’s what you should be.
Post # 16
@WeddingBells2014: Yeah, I’m concerned about her mental health at this point too. I mean, we are getting married later than we planned because *I* am out of work. We are not in danger of being homeless or anything, but we certainly don’t have enough to think about planning a big party right now.
I doubt you’re going to get a different reaction than he is. Are her parents around? Seriously, I think she needs therapy and medication, but she probably can’t afford it and doesn’t think she needs it.
I guess you could start the conversation by seeming like you’re asking her advice for how to pay for your wedding, since she seems to be doing it with less than you. Maybe just talking about how you can’t seem to manage it might open the door? But again, I don’t see this ending well at all.