My friend said no to being a bridesmaid?

posted 3 months ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 31
Member
47423 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

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@beach_lover89:  As I said, it was hurtful, but just be glad she declined now, instead of being difficult through the oncoming months.

 She handled it very poorly, but I suggest you also re-evaluate your friendship. Anyone who puts you down a lot is not someone you need in your life.

Post # 33
Member
291 posts
Helper bee

Bee, she’s got something negative to say about everything you do, apparently. And not over things that need those kinds of addressing. I’d give her the boot. She definitely does not need to be in line by you on an important day for you. She sounds as if she is not a fan of you being happy. I’d cut it off with her, and turn that all the way around. 

Post # 34
Member
4367 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

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@beach_lover89:  So, I had a close friend decline being in my wedding as a bridesmaid! As I was asking her, she interrupted me to say, “Please dear God do not ask me to be in your wedding.” She had been a maid of honor the previous year and was miserable. She was more comfortable attending as a guest and I absolutely respected her wishes. We are still super close to this day and there were no hard feelings.

That being said, how your friend went about declining was straight up rude. I haven’t read any responses, but I’m sure Bees will bring up costs/heat/Covid, etc. and all would be valid points IF your friend responded politely. This would totally have me reevaluating the relationship. Not for the decline of being a bridesmaid, but how it was handled. There’s a polite way to say no. 

My advice is to graciously accept her decline, but do initiate a conversation about her tone/the way she went about declining at a later date when you’ve had time to collect your thoughts. If this putting you down is a habit of hers, then perhaps there is a much bigger issue/conversation to consider.

Post # 36
Member
555 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

Don’t take it personally, try to understand everyone is different. I for one really hate big weddings, and everything to do with the traditional wedding. It was never my dream to be a bridesmaid as well. I also think no one should be a bridesmaid unless they really want to because then it just won’t be as good and it’s always better to let someone who actually enjoys it take their place. It invloves a lot of work, planning  and bridal activities which can be very time-consuming and draining. Also, I know plenty of people who love weddings but won’t attend them during the pandemic

Post # 37
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10704 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

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@stateofbeeing: 

Not sure when you got your psychiatric qualifications, because diagnosing bipolar or ( as if they are were pretty much the same! ) borderline personality disorder  on the basis of hearsay about someone being rather inept and rude at handling a request is …..well, idk what to say, it’s so irresponsible.

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@beach_lover89:  

l tend to agree with the pp who said something like your friend being flustered and inept at handling being ‘put on the spot’ as it were. Refusing a big request face to face is a difficult thing. That said, her finding fault with various aspects instead of just saying ‘oh thank you but l would SO much rather just be a guest please’ is crass and hurtful and a moments reflection on her part should have had her saying she was sorry to have been ungracious. 
Obviously it has made you reflect that, looking back , she always seems to need to subtly put you down, so it may be time to let the friendship fade. Given your wedding is a long way away you have got time to get past this episode. I think l would not share any more wedding  ideas and plans with her too. . If you are feeling particularly strong you could confront her and ask why she does it, but l can well see you might not want to do that.

Post # 38
Member
837 posts
Busy bee

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@elderberry:  No, I wasn’t trying to diagnose.  I said what the OP’s friend exhibited is reminiscent of that.  Not that she has the disorder, but I was trying to put in context how over the top her reaction was.

Post # 39
Member
10704 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

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@stateofbeeing:  

Ok, sorry, maybe I overreacted. I do get cross if I think bad behaviour is  being ‘medicalised’! 

Post # 40
Member
1048 posts
Bumble bee

Is she single? I had a friend who declined to be a bridesmaid in our mutual friends wedding because she was “forever the bridesmaid and never the bride.” It was her own internal struggle but our friend was deeply hurt. I am so sensitive that it would ruin the friendship for me to be honest. Add to that the fact that you said she always puts you down… yeah it sounds like she might be jealous or just plain rude. Good riddance.

Post # 41
Member
391 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

Why don’t you tell her you’ve decided to have your wedding on a Sunday in November and the dress code is trainers and see what excuses she comes up with this time. 
I get not wanting to be a bridesmaid, I do not get acting like a complete idiot about it. She sounds awful, I am not sure why you even asked her.  

Post # 42
Member
1873 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

I have a friend that sounds exactly like her tbh. Always texting/wanting to catch up, but whenever we do it’s a lot about her, and it can get OTT. 

One of those “strong because I’ve had it rough” kind of people. Which to be fair, if you can be strong after experiencing trauma then I am absolutely rooting for you. But it’s a kind of odd confidence when you’re on the receiving end of a probably knee-jerk reaction to something you said.

The comment of “ew” re: your venue made me think of something my friend once said which rubbed me the wrong way: a mutual friend was looking to get a new house after escaping a bad relationship. I said to her (in a joking, light hearted way) that she should come and get a place near where I live! To which my friend said “no she doesn’t want to get stabbed”. That got me shitty because a) it’s super rude and b) her own suburb has a much higher crime rate than mine (mine is actually far lower than the city average) so you know…glass houses and stones and whatnot. I know she spoke without thinking and I don’t hold anything against her for it – but it really highlights how some people react to things without actually taking a second to measure their response. 

Another example is how she’s constantly takes the mickey out of my husband to me because he’s really excited for the arrival of our first baby in June. Doing all the research, listening to audio books, planning the nursery, taking 6 months parental leave when bub is 6 months old etc. That gets me good, because I think it’s wonderful how excited he is to be a Dad (and honestly it takes a huge load off me). But she constantly tears him down to me. 

It can be tough being friends with people like that, because they cling on to you for dear life, but it can be a lot of work and a lot of compromise to keep them around. I’ve reduced the friendship with this girl to just texting/occasional phone call. We rarely meet in person – in fact when I see her at my baby shower in 3 weeks it’ll be the first time in 5 months.

Maybe that’s what you need to do too….

Post # 43
Member
76 posts
Worker bee

Like everyone else said, nothing wrong with turning down being a bridesmaid but the way she did it was odd, though it’s hard to tell tone by reading. Maybe she felt awkward and didn’t know how to say it? I turned down a few trips and weddings because I was pregnant, and they were around the time when I was due, but it had been too soon to tell anyone yet (which I ended up having a miscarriage unfortunately). I felt super awkward turning them down and grasping at straws looking for excuses. After my miscarriage I ended up telling my close friends and admitting that that was the real reason I had turned these things down, and now that I’m not pregnant, I can attend but :/. Point is, there may be some sort of underlying reason that she’s not sharing and doing an awful job trying to find excuses instead.

Post # 44
Member
243 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016 - The White Barn

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@beach_lover89:  Sounds like she had a lot of snarky responses about it. A simple no would have been just fine, lol sheesh. I’d take some time away from said friend. Declining the offer is one thing, being in a wedding tends to be very expensive but to pick you a part over it just sounds toxic and not a very healthy response to being asked to be in a wedding.

Post # 45
Member
55 posts
Worker bee

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@weddingmaven:  I would find it odd for a super close friend to find a reason to be too personal. If you are super close with someone shouldn’t you be able to be 100% open with them?

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