(Closed) My Friend went back to her cheating boyfriend…

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 4
Member
1325 posts
Bumble bee

That is so sad. I wish she would care more about herself.

I think, with people like this who continue to make harmful choices, there is really nothing you can do. You help them, you are there for them, you listen to them and you dry their tears. Then they basically throw all that away by continuing to put themselves in positions like this. It can be angering. The only thing you can do is either be there for that person as they continue to need you, which is exhausting and frustrating, or distance yourself.

Post # 5
Member
5183 posts
Bee Keeper

@Bellanouva: Honestly, the best advise is to stay out of it. I know it sucks that our friends go back to these losers but we are not there to judge our friends for their actions, just give advice and be there for support. I know at times this can become tedious but..thats what friends are for 

Post # 6
Member
5118 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Ugh, sorry Bella! I agree with tunacupcakes, though- you can either stick by her and watch it all go down (which it probably will), or distance yourself from it. I like the phrase someone else used in another thread, do you want to feel like you’re on someone else’s emotional roller coaster? 

Post # 7
Member
6394 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

I don’t have much advice, but I can tell you what I did in your situation. I had a friend who did an on and off again thing with a cheater for three years. It was crazy. He wanted to have sex, so she lost her virginity to him, and then that wasn’t enough, he did tons of things with other girls. 

At first, I would get pretty upset and tell her she was making a mistake. That was the first couple of years. Later I learned she just wasn’t going to listen to me. However, I couldn’t just watch her destroy herself again and again. I finally told her I didn’t want to hear about her relationship any more. I felt awful at first, but it got easier once we both got used to it. I toned down talking about Fiance and she talked about jerk face a minimal amount of time. 

It worked for us, I don’t think our friendship would have survived if we hadn’t put that rule into place. And now, after three years, she’s been with an awesome guy for a year. No drama, no cheating. The thing is, though, they have to figure it out for themselves. Nothing you can say will change her mind. πŸ™

Post # 8
Member
1058 posts
Bumble bee

It sounds like you have given all of the advice you can and now the only thing you can do is be a friend to her and try and support her.

Unfortunately if you don’t give her the support even though you clearly are against what she is doing, she will not include you in her life as much as you may like and may even avoid you altogether. For now, it would probably be best to just listen to her and give her your advice is she asks. I hate hearing things like this,it’s so lame. We can only ask ourselves why. πŸ™ Good luck.

Post # 9
Member
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

You just have to stay out of it. I have had to walk away from friends making stupid decisions before, it’s tough, but a friendship is not supposed to be someone dumping all their emotional baggage on you all the time and never taking your advice. I will be a shoulder to cry on only so long, and then it’s time to say “Get a therapist.”

When someone insists on being in a relationship with a cheater it’s like trying to talk to a brick wall. No one wins, everyone loses. Trust me, stay away.

Post # 12
Member
658 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

This exact situation happened with me and my *former* best friend.. Needless to say, we’re pretty much aquaintences at this point and she’s still married to the scum of the earth (and even had a baby with him)..If anything I’ve learned the hard way that PEOPLE NEVER EVER TAKE ADVICE, so don’t expect them to..no matter how good of friends you they are.

At the same time, knowing that she is not using her common sense on this one..make sure that you aren’t making it easy for her to vent to YOU about all the bad things in her relationship. Don’t allow yourself to be a doormat that isn’t allowed to speak her mind!

Post # 14
Member
2246 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I don’t know why we women do such silly things.

Post # 16
Member
658 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

@Bellanouva: Trust me, I feel like I’m in Crazytown too when I think about how that friendship pretty much ended. The thing is, it’s really a lose-lose situation.

Scenario 1: You tell her how shitty of a person you think this guy is

This inevitably results in her getting even closer to him and pushing you away. This is because you are telling her something she obviously doesn’t want to hear (and already knows..but doesn’t want to admit), not to mention she could take everything you say as an insult to her..i.e. If he’s such a crappy person, and she’s chosen to be with him..that makes her a crappy person, too.

Scenario 2: You don’t say anything

This obviously makes you feel crazy, and like a bad friend for not speaking up. And by not saying anything, she may be under the false impression that you support the relationship..which she may find comforting (and just ANOTHER way to justify staying with him). What kind of friendship is one where you can’t be honest with one another?..Also, think about the extra work involved for you having to fake what you really think..that’s not even fair.

 

….but remember, no matter what her life is going to significantly go down in quality as long as she chooses to be with this guy. This sounds to me like she may be an insecure person who will let someone dump all over her in a relationship. Has she been in any other controlling relationships?

 

 

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