Post # 1
🙁 My friend of 4 years has gone back to her boyfriend of 5 years who was cheating on her for at least 3 of those. Im upset and pissed with her to be honest, after all the listening, and crying and upset she went through while I was there for her, she went back to him. She apparently wants to marry him still, and I just cant handle it. I’ve told her I think its a bad idea, and Im afraid shes giving up her dignity and self respect to be with him. Shes pretty upset with me for being so honest with her and its made me realize that no matter how much someone wants you to be honest with them….most times they really dont! I dont know how many times I have advised friends to stay away or reassess their poor relationships when they ask me to, just to have them to the exact opposite. I see the same on the boards, and it infuriates me. He’s still friends with the woman he cheated with apparently, and I just cant handle seeing my friend envitably go through his cheating again…especially if they get married. Anyways I just wanted to vent because I feel frustrated and angry about this, and pretty helpless.
SO is doing well btw, we were discussing his birthday earlier- he wants fried chicken and grape soda at his bday get together- at least he can make me smile still 🙂
Post # 3
I would really appreciate some advice on this- I really dont know what to do in regards to my friend in this, despite my feelings…thanks!
Post # 4
That is so sad. I wish she would care more about herself.
I think, with people like this who continue to make harmful choices, there is really nothing you can do. You help them, you are there for them, you listen to them and you dry their tears. Then they basically throw all that away by continuing to put themselves in positions like this. It can be angering. The only thing you can do is either be there for that person as they continue to need you, which is exhausting and frustrating, or distance yourself.
Post # 5
- Wedding: December 2019 - Paris, France
Honestly, the best advise is to stay out of it. I know it sucks that our friends go back to these losers but we are not there to judge our friends for their actions, just give advice and be there for support. I know at times this can become tedious but..thats what friends are for
Post # 6
Ugh, sorry Bella! I agree with tunacupcakes, though- you can either stick by her and watch it all go down (which it probably will), or distance yourself from it. I like the phrase someone else used in another thread, do you want to feel like you’re on someone else’s emotional roller coaster?
Post # 7
I don’t have much advice, but I can tell you what I did in your situation. I had a friend who did an on and off again thing with a cheater for three years. It was crazy. He wanted to have sex, so she lost her virginity to him, and then that wasn’t enough, he did tons of things with other girls.
At first, I would get pretty upset and tell her she was making a mistake. That was the first couple of years. Later I learned she just wasn’t going to listen to me. However, I couldn’t just watch her destroy herself again and again. I finally told her I didn’t want to hear about her relationship any more. I felt awful at first, but it got easier once we both got used to it. I toned down talking about Fiance and she talked about jerk face a minimal amount of time.
It worked for us, I don’t think our friendship would have survived if we hadn’t put that rule into place. And now, after three years, she’s been with an awesome guy for a year. No drama, no cheating. The thing is, though, they have to figure it out for themselves. Nothing you can say will change her mind. 🙁
Post # 8
It sounds like you have given all of the advice you can and now the only thing you can do is be a friend to her and try and support her.
Unfortunately if you don’t give her the support even though you clearly are against what she is doing, she will not include you in her life as much as you may like and may even avoid you altogether. For now, it would probably be best to just listen to her and give her your advice is she asks. I hate hearing things like this,it’s so lame. We can only ask ourselves why. 🙁 Good luck.
Post # 9
You just have to stay out of it. I have had to walk away from friends making stupid decisions before, it’s tough, but a friendship is not supposed to be someone dumping all their emotional baggage on you all the time and never taking your advice. I will be a shoulder to cry on only so long, and then it’s time to say “Get a therapist.”
When someone insists on being in a relationship with a cheater it’s like trying to talk to a brick wall. No one wins, everyone loses. Trust me, stay away.
Post # 10
Im so worried for her- she stopped eating for 3 days because of this guy! You didnt see her..you didnt see the crying, the sobbing, the utter misery she was in because of what he did to her….It breaks my heart to know that she values herself so little to go back to the man who did that to her
Im sorry, but I am of the mind that you are supposed to be a true and loyal friend by being honest to them about the things that worry you. As you can tell by my reply to cupcakes that her state of mind is not healthy right now- Im truly worried of the mental breakdown she might have if she goes through something like this again. I want to support her, but I dont think I can…truly, I cant. Which might mean this is an empasse we cant cross together, because I will not support her relationship to this man- he hasnt changed at all, I mean if he was really trying to change I would be there for her through it, but she just went back to him without that and I cant support that.
Thats a very good point- perhaps you are right, and I should just distance myself from it- I cant support it, the guy makes my blood boil…and frankly Im just too fiesty a person to keep her thoughts to herself…
I am of the mind that everything you say is true- I just worry for her emotional and mental wellbeing…the state she was in after they broke up was horrible…I dont think she could handle another one of his infidelities coming to light, as Im sure it will.
Post # 11
Its physically and emotionally not in me to support her- I was the one she came to when she had a breakdown from all this…I was there, I truly tried, I tried so hard to be kind to her, and be there for her to come and talk to me when she needed. I know and have been in a horrible relationship before…I just didnt want her to be alone.
But I never went back to the guy who did that to me- in the end I had to look at myself and see the misery I was in…she never did, and now shes back with him and I cant emotionally stand and see her like that again. I think I will take @KatyElle:
‘s advice and just stay away perhaps.
Post # 12
This exact situation happened with me and my *former* best friend.. Needless to say, we’re pretty much aquaintences at this point and she’s still married to the scum of the earth (and even had a baby with him)..If anything I’ve learned the hard way that PEOPLE NEVER EVER TAKE ADVICE, so don’t expect them to..no matter how good of friends you they are.
At the same time, knowing that she is not using her common sense on this one..make sure that you aren’t making it easy for her to vent to YOU about all the bad things in her relationship. Don’t allow yourself to be a doormat that isn’t allowed to speak her mind!
Post # 13
I dunno, I am surprised no one has pegged me as the horrible friend who should keep her trap shut and just support her no matter what…what the hell does that do really? Except enable her to further justify her staying with that asshat? I just cant do it…I really cant. I dont want her to be alone, but it seems like shes content with him openly flirting with women in front of her (a unkindess he didnt do before, but does not since she got back with him) and being friends with the girl he cheated with in the first place. I feel like Im a resident of crazytown here! I just dont understand it.
Post # 14
I don’t know why we women do such silly things.
Post # 16
Trust me, I feel like I’m in Crazytown too when I think about how that friendship pretty much ended. The thing is, it’s really a lose-lose situation.
Scenario 1: You tell her how shitty of a person you think this guy is
This inevitably results in her getting even closer to him and pushing you away. This is because you are telling her something she obviously doesn’t want to hear (and already knows..but doesn’t want to admit), not to mention she could take everything you say as an insult to her..i.e. If he’s such a crappy person, and she’s chosen to be with him..that makes her a crappy person, too.
Scenario 2: You don’t say anything
This obviously makes you feel crazy, and like a bad friend for not speaking up. And by not saying anything, she may be under the false impression that you support the relationship..which she may find comforting (and just ANOTHER way to justify staying with him). What kind of friendship is one where you can’t be honest with one another?..Also, think about the extra work involved for you having to fake what you really think..that’s not even fair.
….but remember, no matter what her life is going to significantly go down in quality as long as she chooses to be with this guy. This sounds to me like she may be an insecure person who will let someone dump all over her in a relationship. Has she been in any other controlling relationships?