My friends don’t like my partner

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
6766 posts
Busy Beekeeper

If this is your best friend can’t you ask her?

Oops–skimmed and now see you did. These don’t sound like very good friends, Bee. If you can’t get a straight answer and things don’t change please don’t continue to subject your SO to their poor treatment.

Post # 3
Hostess
3167 posts
Sugar bee

Uhh yeah. You are doing something wrong. I wouldn’t let any friend exclude my partner or treat him with disdain or disrespect. We are a package deal. IMO, if they’ve been treating her like this for 2 1/2 years, you should have shut this down long ago.

Post # 4
Member
639 posts
Busy bee

I’d think maybe she gets jealous of someone else taking up most of your time and being closer to you than she is? Of course it’s totally immature for her to act that way and she needs to get over it, but that’d be my guess about where it’s coming from. 

Post # 5
Member
1595 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

Your BFF could be secretly harboring love for you, who knows? If you asked her what’s wrong and she’s not being direct, you could try again more like ‘Listen, I know you don’t mean ill but I’m really hurt that you and my partner aren’t friends. I always imagined that we would all be one big happy family. I love both of you so much and I’m planning on keeping (insert partners name) around for a long long time. I want you to be happy for us, what am I missing here? Did she do something to offend you?”…

Then, if she gets defensive, etc. I would drop it and never bring it up again. If your friends are a&&holes and you’re marrying your partner, you kind of have to just decide when enough is enough. My partners friends do the same sh*t to me so I just don’t try anymore. He doesn’t get it and that’s fine. I just let it go and make my own friends. If they want to be immature a&&holes that’s their perogative. I’m not getting on their level. 

Good luck to you!

Post # 6
Member
165 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Sorry you are dealing with this. A couple of things come to mind:

1. As PPs have said, you need to shut down this behavior (and should have long ago). Next time they leave her out of a chat, just create a new chat with everyone in it plus your partner and say “Creating a new chat since you forgot to include (name).” 

2. If your best friend is the one acting this way – why is she still your best friend? Things need to change or else she shouldn’t be someone that you have such high regards for. You and your partner are a package deal – you should not compromise that for anyone.

3. Is it possible that she likes you (and has for a long time), since this isn’t the first person she’s acted this way with? 

Post # 8
Member
2486 posts
Buzzing bee

Defintely sounds like she’s either a) pissing on her territory or b) engaging in power play behavior.

A lot depends on your gf’s reaction to all this.

The wife of one of Fi’s friends always makes it very obvious she doesn’t like me. Once, when I went to sit next to her on bench seating at a Friendsgiving, she immediately volunteered that I trade with someone else, making it obvious she preferred the other person be next to her over me. At the same dinner, I tried to engage her in conversation about her masters program because we were the only 2 girls in the room at the time and she kept a) giving me short answers and b) responding to my questions as if it was just too far above my head for me to ever understand.

She’s just one of those people. And she’s decided not to like me for whatever reason, when everyone else, including her husband, does. I don’t take it personally and instead I’ve begun acting as if she literally does not exist. 

But that’s easy for me to do because Fi is not CLOSE to this woman and we almost never see her. 

I can’t believe how even-keeled your Gf must be if she’s put up with this treatment for THIS long without serious arguments. In her shoes, I probably would have put my foot down a long time ago regarding you shutting it down. 

Considering you are about to become engaged, I feel like a real discussion needs to happen sooner rather than later. 

Alternatively, if you feel your “Best friend” did a GREAT job of weasling herself out of the last agument and don’t want it to play out the same way next time, go the Notebook Route. Start writing down day and time and description of every single slight toward your Gf. 

Wait until you’ve got a laundry list of dirt on her behavior and then drop it on her and her friend. 

Then either work through it or end the friendship depending on their response. 

I’d honestly have ended the friendship a long time ago over something like this. Rude behavior toward anyone isn’t tolerated in my life. 

Post # 10
Member
1056 posts
Bumble bee

Regardless of the reason your best friend and “a few” of her friends have to shun your partner, you owe your partner a huge apology.

Your partner should be your number one priority. If people in your social circle are excluding her and being unwelcoming to her, why on earth are you still socializing with them AT ALL?

Cutting your socializing down doesn’t win brownie points in a situation like this. If they won’t welcome her, and you continue to have any relationship with them, you are being very disrespectful and cruel to your partner.

I think at the bare minimum, the price of admission for you to socialize with these “friends” is that they are friendly and welcoming to the woman you love!

Your best friend is gaslighting you. You have observed the behavior, you know she and the others are excluding your girlfriend, it’s not in your head. But when you tried to discuss this with best friend, she denied denied denied and turned it around on you to make you doubt what you have witnessed. That’s classic gaslighting.

Think about the message you have been sending to your poor girlfriend for the last 2.5 years.

“Best Friend and her cronies are my friends. Their feelings matter to me more than your feelings.”

I’m surprised your girlfriend hasn’t dumped you.

 

Your best friend of 10 years, and a “few” friends, are playing Mean Girls with your partner, but your family, including your future sister in law, and some of your other friends, really love your partner.

I think that safely rules out that your partner is a narcisstic asshole.

This sounds like your best friend and those under her influence have decided to not welcome your partner.

Why?

  • Is your best friend in love with you?
  • Is your best friend jealous of your happiness?
  • Is your best friend jealous because of her lack of romantic success?
  • Does your best friend have a history of acting like none of your girlfriends are “good enough” for you? Has she shot down all your past relationships?
  • Did your partner have a romantic history with any of the people who are excluding her?

Without knowing those people, those are the possible reasons that I see.

But again, does it really matter?  Dump these friends, apologize to your poor girlfriend, and spend time with people who actually like your partner.

Post # 11
Member
6231 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

I think people have varying degrees of tolerance for being mistreated and, unfortunately, women get some serious social training to put up with bullshit for entirely too long- especially when it comes from other women.

I’m not sure why you felt you needed to be non-confrontational with your friend about her treatment of your partner. If you’ve been really close for 10 years, it seems like you should be able to be really honest and say some version of “What the fuck, Rebecca? Why have you guys been being rude to my lady? What’s the deal? It’s not even subtle anymore. Did something happen that I don’t know about?” and really hash it out. One of my favorite things about my relationships is that my friends know me well enough to know when I’m behaving strangely and they call me on my bullshit- lovingly, but directly.

Also, I agree with those saying that you owe your partner an apology. She must really care for you to have put up with your friends being blatant assholes to her for this long. My husband had a friend be rude to me one time and I immediately told him that if he didn’t correct that shit, I was out. He is the one who shows his friends the status that I hold in his life, for him, and you have shown your friends that their disrespect of your partner(s) is acceptable. Not cool.

Post # 13
Member
589 posts
Busy bee

How were they when you came out? How long ago did you come out? 

I say this because my sister came out about 5 years ago, when she started her relationship with her current partner, her best friend acted the same way. My sister has had male partners in the past and they’ve been fine with her male partners so it’s led my sister to believe that the fact her partner is a female must be the issue. One of her childhood friends is getting married this weekend and has invited my sister but not her partner. It’s horrible behavior. I’m pretty sure it’s not that my sister’s partner has done anything because she’s lovely. I asked her to be one of my bridesmaid, my sister told this group of friends and their response was ‘why has your sister asked your partner? Your sister and her aren’t related’. I see her as my sister too. I personally think my sister should ditch them, their attitude towards her is inexcusable. 

Post # 15
Member
1206 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - -

Yep. That’s why I usually ghost delusional, or mean people. They’re not worth the upkeep. Dishonesty is confusing and frustrating. If your friend decides being friends with you is worth being cordial and considerate to your girlfriend, she’ll get her shit together. If not, she isn’t pleasant to be around as things are. Good riddance.

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