My friends pregnancy announcement- Am I being too sensitive?

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
9690 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

It just sounds like you are drifting apart. It happens. It sucks but it happens. I think there are two options here:

1) Accept that you are drifting apart and turn your focus to friends you feel closer to. Basically, let the friendship fade naturally.

2) Talk to her about how you are feeling and try to reconnect and get closer again. 

Post # 3
Member
488 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

I have experienced similar things with friends from high school.  I think it is okay to feel hurt, as long as you realize that your friendship with her is changing.  It does not sound like she is intentionally hurting you, but may just not realize it or is a bit thoughtless.   Things change..do your best to roll with it.  

Post # 4
Member
115 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

I think you’re reacting to the fact that you guys are drifting apart…and unintentionally that emotion is directed at your friend, but hey..you’re heree asking us about it which means that you recognize that your emotions probably aren’t logical right now.

Perfectly normal to feel the way you do..but I think this is just a symptom of loss of your great friendship.  Well, not loss, just a diminished version of it.

Post # 5
Member
356 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Strange that she asked you about such a personal topic (TTC) even mentioned herself wanting. But failing to mention she was already pregnant. I can see how this is hurtful, I didnt tell close friends until I was 12 weeks but I also didnt post about it. 

I agree with above poster regarding your 2 options. 

Post # 6
Member
929 posts
Busy bee

hikingbride :  This!

It totally happens. New interests, new lives. It isnt just you two as friends anymore.  It’s you and your spouses with new obligations and new hobbies. Does suck that you had to find out that way, but the phone works both ways and if you want to maintain this friendship, it make take some extra effort from you if you feel it is worth saving.

Post # 7
Member
1254 posts
Bumble bee

MissNC :  

I agree with PP’s. It’s bothering you because you guys are drifting apart. Honestly it seems like she is okay with asking you invasvie questions but wants to keep her life a secret. I would just agree that this friendship is fading and let it.

 

Post # 9
Member
751 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

Honestly this happened to me with my best friend because I got married and wasn’t into the lifestyle of partying and going out all the time anymore..I honestly just grew out of it and she still hasn’t. I don’t have that much in common with her anymore and it’s sad. Also she had her son young and I don’t have kids yet..I think she is trying to make up for the years of “fun” she missed out because she was a younger mom.

Anyway I see her once in a while and make an effort to have girls nights with all of our friends. It’s ok to not be besties but that doesn’t mean you should cut her off. Make an effort to hang out if she doesn’t want it then you know you tried.

Post # 10
Member
355 posts
Helper bee

She started hanging out with other friends that were married with kids and I felt kind of pushed aside. She told me she isn’t into the life style of going to bars and stuff.

When she told you this did you try to suggest other things to do with her or did you just accept it and let the friendship drift apart. She got married and had kids before you, which changes how you spend your time. If you’re still going out to bars and having nights out drinking, she obviously doesn’t want to spend a lot of time doing that anymore. There’s nothing wrong with you still wanting to do those things, you’re just at a different stage in your life. She’s probably hanging out with her “mom friends” because she has more in common and can relate to them on a different level than you right now.

It really sucks to drift apart from people, but if she’s your friend try to empathise with her. I’m pregnant and one of the things that my mom told me first off was to expect to lose a lot of friends, because my lifestyle is about to change in a big way. She might think that you don’t want to do baby things with her. It seems to me like she deserves the benefit of the doubt, because now that you’re married she’s thinking about playdates whenever you have kids. She might not realize you feel this way.

It sucks to feel pushed aside by friends and your feelings are very valid. My advice would be to reach out to her. Tell her that you feel like y’all are drifting apart and want to make sure to spend some time together. Friendships take work from both parties. It sounds like both of you could work on that. And once you’re working on it you can bring up how hurtful it was to hear about her pregnancy through Facebook.

Post # 11
Member
792 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

My best friend in HS was furthering her education while I was having babies and then 8 years later – vice versa.  We drifted apart but never lost contact.  She still has youngs ones at home and I am about to get married again…LOL.  We play catch up every once in a while – but I suspect we may never be as close as we once were.  It is just the ebb and flow of life.  Do not be angry with her.

Post # 12
Member
953 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

FWIW, people who comment on announcements like that about how hard it was to keep the secret are super lame. That is totally unnecessary. 

It’s tough to drift away from friends. And in my experience as the only childless friend in my group, everyone is different about how they want to share (or not share) their pregnancy news. I personally would want all my close friends and family to know from me first, but for some people social media is the end all be all these days. I had a best friend since high school and this exact thing happened with her wedding–I thought we were legitimately best friends, and then she asked several other people to be in her wedding party who she had vented to me about previously, and it was one of those, “Now I know where I stand” types of things. I made the decision to distance myself a bit after that because just like you said, it was hurtful and put the relationship into a different place than it had been before.

Post # 13
Member
6443 posts
Bee Keeper

Sadly it sounds like you are naturally drifting apart. It happened with me and my non child having friends no matter how hard I tried. It happened with single friends and I as well. Most of my peers are married or married with kids or couples with kids. It’s just what happened naturally. I have very few friends with no kids or not in a relationship.

It’s now how I thought my life would be now, but it’s what it’s become. And it took time but I made peace with it. I can’t force people to stay in my life.

When we announced, we told certain family members and friends and the rest was for social media if they cared to find out.

Post # 14
Member
7002 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

Drifting apart is natural, not everyone is at the same place in life all the time.

I’ve been there, I’m literally the last in my group to have kids. There are plenty of times that they are all off doing “mom things” and I’m obviously not invited or inluded. It sucks, but it’s the way it is. Those who are important and close will continue to nurture the friendship, despite having changes in their life.

Post # 15
Member
751 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

So let me first say that you’re totally not wrong for being hurt about finding stuff like that out on Facebook. I think that’s just a shit way to find out anything major in someone’s life (unless it’s someone you never talk to). I’m with you there, I’d be butthurt too.

As far as the friendship goes…it sucks, but she’s a mom. Her priorities have changed. Of course she doesn’t want to go to bars/clubs anymore; if you do, I’m guessing you maybe have some friends that do that kind of thing with you? Those are the folks you need to call if you want to go out like that.

When she expressed to you that she doesn’t like doing that kind of thing anymore, did you suggest something else for you guys to do–lunch, or a movie, or a mani/pedi–or did you just let it go and sulk that she doesn’t want to go out drinking? If it’s the latter, then some of the responsibility falls on you. 

If this is a friendship you want to continue, you need to do a couple of things (and I say this having been in a similar boat with my best friend of 11 years, who got married and had a baby years before I was even engaged):

1) tell her NICELY that it hurt you to find out about her pregnancy on FB instead of through a phone call or in person. Just frame it that you want to be there for her and be excited for her, but it makes you feel like she doesn’t want that when you feel excluded.

2) make some plans with her–ask her what she’d like to go do. Include her child, if you’d like (totally don’t have to, obviously but sometimes that’s a good way to get her to be able to go, if she doesn’t have to arrange childcare; plus, she’ll see that you’re invested in her child’s life, and will probably want to include you in more things that are part of that aspect of her world). 

3) accept that your dynamic is just going to be different. There are things that she’s experiencing that you–without a kid–are never going to be able to understand the way she and her mommy friends do. So she needs those other friends because they are a very specific support system. They’re not replacing you, but they are probably crucial to her sanity in a way that you can’t be. It’s not a slight against you at all. For me, that was the hardest pill to swallow…but once I really got it, everything got better.

Good luck to you! For the record, the mom friends who said it was a hard secret to keep are kinda being dickish by essentially flaunting that they knew first…but hey. That’s their problem. You just need to focus on your relationship with your friend. 🙂 

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors