(Closed) My future mother in law HATES me…please help?

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
768 posts
Busy bee

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chelseameghann77:  oh gosh..this is a really  manipulative person. I’m sorry, call me cold hearted, but no way in hell I’d put up with someone like that. I’m glad your Fiance  stood up by you and I can’t imagine how stressful and draining it is to be treated like this. I would keep my distance from her until she recognized the she has some psychological issues and took the right steps to work on them. 

No one deserves to be treated like this. 

Post # 3
Member
10 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2015 - Butterfly Pavilion

To a lesser extent, my fmil is like this too. Very defensive and angry at me for taking her son from her (despite that I’m moving cross country to be near her). She often criticizes me for having my Honey do the dishes or hang up clothes.  I’ve decided to just distance myself until she can realize I’m not taking him anywhere and I’m not ruining her son. I think it’s a mother’s instinct to be critical of the woman her son is with. Good luck <3

Post # 4
Member
1832 posts
Buzzing bee

Your Fiance is in a tough spot here. He had a very sheltered life and is trying to figure out how to be independent and support a family. On top of that his family is bat shit crazy. I strongly encourage him to get into counseling and then for the two of you to do premarital counseling so you have an action plan on how you will handle them the rest of your married life.

I’m a mom of 5 adults. I think it was a big mistake to go to your Future Mother-In-Law about your FI’s feelings about being the black sheep. That was not your place or your business. That is between the two of them. I think your heart was in the right place, but you should not have done that. Conversations that occur between the two of you need to stay between the two of you. If he wanted to have that conversation with her he would have.

You also said, “I told her other things he’s told me about things that happened in the childhood such as her beating him and making him sleep on the streets on a regular basis” – again this was not your business to share with her and you need to stop doing that. Now, I realize you are likely to cut ties with them so it wouldn’t be a problem in the future, but you keep your conversations between the two of you. Telling her these things has only escalated the whole shebang.

Again, encourage the counseling for him and then couples premarital counseling so you are a united front in how to effectively deal with them after the wedding.

Post # 5
Member
11385 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

As soon as she realized you knew some horrible things about you, she made sure your name was mud so no one would believe you.

you’re dealing with a very sick person, and I’m surprised your Fiance isn’t terrified of her. But I agree with PP, you violated his confidence unwittingly, but even so. A hard lesson is to never share your partners feelings with anyone, esp not his family. That’s his job. That doesn’t excuse her at all, it’s just a part of your trying too hard to build a relationship with his mom, at the expense of your relationship with him. Good intentions, bad result.

But now you and your Fiance need to get support, him esp. If he was homeschooled and beaten and tossed out when mom didnt approve, he needs therapy now. He must be so overwhelmed. It’s heartbreaking really. 

Close ranks around the two of you. Stop trying to fix things with the psychos. Just focus on your partner and your family, the two of you and your daughter. You all have to come First.

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 8 months ago by  BalletParker.
  • This reply was modified 5 years, 8 months ago by  BalletParker. Reason: ipad autocorrect is so bad now that it wont let me fix "comes" with "come". Hitting head against desk
Post # 6
Member
352 posts
Helper bee

I think you made a big mistake by going and telling her everything he told you. You started the drama and did this to your Fiance. You are not part of the family yet, and what you did was inappropriate I am trying to figure out why you would think that was ok? My inlaws are not my favorite, they have done things to my husband that I am not okay with, however I would NEVER do what you did. I would only encourage him to move past it, and forgive them. You are in the wrong here, regardless of what happened. I can’t believe you did this to your FI!!!

Post # 7
Member
98 posts
Worker bee

I actually knew someone like this, a family friend, and I’d have this cold ball inside my stomach because I felt so twisted up inside about her behavior. It went on for years. I tried over and over to figure out what I had done wrong or find a way to compromise. I tried everything, talking directly to her, asking my sister to talk to her, asking her out to dinner and movies, even gifts. It might work for awhile, but one day, she would just give me the cold shoulder and I would find out that she had started spreading complete lies about me. I don’t know your Future Mother-In-Law, but I don’t think there’s any way you can compromise or reason with her. I think your best bet is to break things off with the family, as hard as that may seem, and concentrate on making sure that your Fiance feels loved and supported by you (and vice versa).

My guess, also based on this same experience, is that your future Mother-In-Law can’t stand to have anyone know what a terrible person she really is, which you showed when you told her about your FI’s past. She deals with it by denying the truth, lashing out at you, and cherrypicking stuff that you’ve done or said so she can come across as a victim who’s being unfairly attacked. People like that can never improve, because their go-to tactic is to blame others and pity themselves. 

Sorry that I went on for so long about myself and said a bunch of obvious things, but I was just surprised when I read this because it kind of made me feel sick and brought me back to those days. I’m really sorry that you have to deal with this, but I think you’ve handled it as well as could be expected!

Post # 9
Member
1323 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

eeeeeeeeeek. i think you need to keep a distance from her. 

Post # 12
Member
1403 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Everyone in this scenario seems quite immature and dramatic. How long have you two been together? 

Post # 13
Member
148 posts
Blushing bee

There is a very fine line between close too close when it comes to in-laws. Every Mother-In-Law is different. I think you crossed the line into “too close” at one point and it blew up in your face.

I’m not saying that your Future Mother-In-Law isn’t totally crazy, but you could have prevented this.

 The things your Fiance said about beating up his brother probably wasn’t meant for anyone to hear except YOU. Who knows, maybe you’ve said some stuff during your 7 hour phone calls with her that isn’t something that’s appropriate to be shared with Future Mother-In-Law in that kind of relationship.

Marriage isn’t just about being with someone you love, you’re also injecting yourself and your Fiance into each other’s family dynamic and it’s really important to feel out what that role looks like before interacting too much.

Yeah, you might have had good intentions, but since you said yourself that you are still young and learning, there are a few really important life lessons in here, and one of those is that a lot of damage can be done with good intentions.

 

Post # 14
Member
458 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
chelseameghann77:  

Gosh OP I’m really sorry this has happened to you. I agree with PP that there’s a fine line with what’s too close with in-laws and unfortunately this line got crossed but, as you mentioned, you’re still young and getting to grips with family dynamics and you’re trying to learn from your mistakes. I actually think that this level of self-awareness and abilty to recognise what you don’t yet know is actually an incredibly mature approach for a 21 year old.

You made a mistake but it didn’t come from a bad or selfish place. You didn’t do anything ‘to’ your Fiance so please don’t take to heart some of the harsh and non-constructive criticism some bees have dished out here (I guarantee you that they are not perfect!). Continue to take on board the constructive criticism, listen to the messages of support, and keep communicating with your Fiance. In my opinion I don’t think there’s too much you can do at this stage to fix your relationship with your Future Mother-In-Law because to be honest she sounds pretty unhinged and you can’t reason with a crazy person. All you can do is support your Fiance and try to encourage him to repair the relationship with his mother if he’s open to that. I’d also say if he does clear things up with her and you are welcomed back into the family, avoid getting close to his mother again. Be polite, and friendly, but you don’t need to have a relationship with her outside of your relationship with your Fiance because, well, she crazy… You don’t need to open yourself up to her drama again. 

Post # 15
Member
587 posts
Busy bee

You’re in a horrible situation, and I’m so sorry. My Fiance has to deal with my family, who are all insane. I hate to say that I think it comes from a strong feeling of possesion. My parents view me as their property, and when I began seeing my Fiance, they were fine at first and always wanted to see us (I moved out at 14, so they rarely see me) when I moved in with my Fiance, they started rumors about us, saying that we were on drugs and that I was pregnant and that I should be living with them. I’m an adult, and I told them that they couldn’t treat me like I was their 14 year old child anymore, and we didn’t talk for awhile. After we got engaged, they’ve started being extremely nice through text and in person, but they talk bad about us to other family members. My family knows my parents are crazy, so nobody listens to them. The only thing that you did wrong is tell her what she did to raise her kid was wrong. I was homeless most of my childhood, but my Fiance knows (because I warned him) that it is a very touchy subject to them and he never brings up what my parents did wrong. You could apologize for that, but if she doesnt forgive you, it’s all on her. With my parents, I’ve questioned them on why they act this way, and they say that it’s my fault since I “didn’t let them finish my childhood” and didn’t “give them the amount of time they needed” but I left because of their drug use. Now I just think they’re too emotionally immature right now to handle me being grown up. That may be the situation with your Fiance, she might just not feel ready to give him away, and is taking it out on you and trying to get rid of you so he can be hers again. Which also explains why she claims that he’s a liar and denies everything he tells you. She could just be trying to make you leave him since he’s not leaving you. Also, she could just be angry with you for saying things about her and how she mothered her kids. Although I understand that she has the right to be angry about that, I think she’s being very immature about this situation. You’re handling it very well, and you need to remember that it is not just your fault. Whether she’s ready or not, she needs to realize that it’s time for you and your Fiance to move on and continue with this next step of your life together. 

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