My Future Mother in Law Hates Me

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
1159 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2018 - Fremont, CA

How does your fiancée react to all this? This is crucial info before anyone gives you any sort of advice.

Hugs!!!

Post # 4
Member
1197 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

Why was the information about your depression and molestation shared to her mother?!

Post # 5
Member
1307 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
lifetimegoals :  THIS. 

Her mother is a real piece of work if this is all true. However, she is still her mother. Unless your fiance is willing to cut her mother off completely (which I never recommend unless a dire situation), this marriage will be damn near impossible for her to be fully invested in. My parents didnʻt like my first husband and let me tell you how easy it was to divorce him emotionally when I started to see what they saw. You sound like a decent guy, and her mother sounds terrible, but i just feel like this is all gonna blow up so badly.

Post # 6
Member
5032 posts
Bee Keeper

I agree with pp that how your fiancee reacts is crucial.

My second question is how does the mother know all this information about you?  Did you tell her?  Did your fiancee?  Because if it is the latter then I’d be concerned about the complete and utter lack of boundaries and respect your fiancee seems to have for you and your personal information.  

As for how you deal, you are living in a planet with 7 billion people – she is not the only person who will hate you.  So you live your life and if there are toxic people in it you cut them out and have no contact.  People can only hurt you if you let them.  If your fiancee is not ready to cut her out then you two need to be on the same page regarding your relationship (or lack thereof) with her and if the mother came by this information by way of your fiancee then I would have numerous serious conversations about what is and is not ok information to share if they continue to have a relationship and have a well defined deal breaker.

Post # 7
Member
1159 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2018 - Fremont, CA

Based on that info, I would just live and let live. She doesn’t like you? Too bad for her. She’s is likely going to cause an estrangement from her daughter because of this.

Do not value her opinion. Do not give her power. Do not engage in her drama.

She is not going to cause a scene at the wedding, I guarantee that.

Be yourself. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You did nothing wrong. She is prejudiced and downright mean, from what you told us. Keep on being polite – but keep your distance. You are no doormat.

 

Post # 8
Member
11369 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
huck256 :  

There are a few moving parts here.

First, your future Mother-In-Law is a hateful shrew.  You would never tolerate this kind of treatment in the context of any other type of relationship, you are not required to tolerate it now.  Ditch that dreadful harpie out of your life —go No Contact.  Move to another state and start over if you have to. Take care of you.

Your fiancée is the only one who has to worry about having contact with Future Mother-In-Law.  She needs to handle it.  And this is where the real work begins.

The fact that Future Mother-In-Law knows such intimate details is because your fiancée lacks healthy boundaries.  How could she possibly have learned how to set boundaries?  Not from her crazy mother.

It’s long past time for her to step up and set limits.  

My biggest concern is that NOBODY grows up with a mother like hers without sustaining some significant damage.  Good therapy can help her work through this.  Look for someone who specializes in trauma recovery.

And read Dr Susan Forward’s book, Toxic Parents.

Post # 9
Member
10463 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

View original reply
MissCtoMrsR :  I’m wondering this as well! This is really personal information that your Future Mother-In-Law knows. Why does she know all of this? Who is telling her?

She sounds like a terrible human being. She will probably never change. So it’s best to decide now how you and your fiancée are going to handle her going forward. You need to set boundaries now and think about future boundaries as well like if you have kids, would she be allowed around them? 

Post # 10
Member
5909 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

Why is your fiancee even telling her mother you were sexually abused as a child?! 

Post # 12
Member
60 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

My fiance betrayed my trust in much the same way…told his parents some very personal intimate information about me…some of the details even my mother doesn’t know  (much the same as yours)

In my case it is my Future Father-In-Law that has taken against me – I’ve told my fiance that the consequence of his oversharing is that I will now never have a relationship with his parents – I’ve not seen them in 3 years now. I’m nearly 50 and too old to have cruel people in my life.

I think you should take some time to see if you can trust your fiancee again…and also to get used to the idea that you won’t have any relationship with these people in the future.

Post # 13
Member
2045 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

View original reply
huck256 :  Yep, stick with the no contact on your end. However, don’t let your Fiance off the hook with this betrayal.  Its not like she didn’t know what her mother was like.  So to disclose such personal information to such a distasteful person knowing she would never do anything good with that info, speaks to me of a person with questionable boundaries.  This has now become a trust issue.  Having that woman as a mother doesn’t instill a lot of trust in me that Fiance won’t do that again because she’s been programmed since birth.  You can’t be raised by such a vindictive and manipulative person and not have it affect you in some way.  You should have the position that she’s going to have to earn that trust back. 

 

Post # 14
Member
60 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

View original reply
sablescorpion22 :  I agree with your post, especially about not letting the fiancee off the hook. In my case, my fiance had a very immature idealised view of his parents – ‘they would never think/act that way’ etc.. .but no matter what, he should never have shared my information without my permission.

It’s been 8 years since it happened and I doubt I will ever fully forgive him for it.

Post # 15
Member
2045 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

View original reply
midnightramesses :  Hi bee, If you’re going to marry him you really should try to forgive him.  However, if he actually hasn’t changed and you still don’t trust him not to betray you in the future….I’d wonder if its a good idea to marry him. Trust is the foundation of every successful romantic relationship.  Without it, there’s no point.  Either way, I suggest counseling foryou  both so that you can have a safe place to tell him this and he has a safe place to hear it.  He needs to know how you actually feel.

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