- 6 years ago
- Wedding: August 2013
My boyfriend and I have spoken about marriage for a while, and last weekend he officially said to his parents and to me that we are going to get engaged on my birthday. (I wish he’d kept that a secret but there we go.) I am from a white family; he is mixed race (his mum is from Trinidad, and his dad Sri Lanka). Colour and beliefs have never been an issue with us, although his family aren’t particuarly religious. Let’s just say, his family are very excited. We don’t live together but his dad has already helped my boyfriend book viewings for houses for us to live in, and his mum has started thinking about tables. (THIS WAS 4 DAYS AGO FFS AND I HAVEN’T EVEN GOT A BLOODY RING.)
Anyway, his sister and I have met a few times and have always got along fine and we share a similar sense of humour. Once my boyfriend had announced he was going to propose, she texted me to ask if we could go out for lunch to get to know each other better on our own, which I thought was sweet. Once we were there though, it feels like she’s trying to manipulate me.
3 years ago she married a Muslim man (who is lovely, by the way), but she supposedly made her own mother feel only like a guest at her wedding, and spent most of her time planning it with the in-laws. She also converted and every time she goes to her in-laws house, supposedly comes back with different viewpoints (fair enough, but I believe you shouldn’t blast off about religion everywhere). She chose to wear both a white wedding dress and a sari to the wedding, but chose the white dress without her mum. So obviously her mum was quite hurt by that and still brings it up occasionally. Although my boyfriend is mixed-race and has parents who weren’t born in the UK, he was born here and has always considered himself British, as does his dad, and is very proud to be that. The sister and mum however always refer back to their roots, despite hardly ever going to Trinidad or Sri Lanka.
So anyway, his sister and I met up, and she began throwing ideas in of what I should have. I’m not even engaged yet so it freaked me out. Then she started saying that although her parents would never say anything, they’d really like it if I could include their “culture” into our wedding. I hope this doesn’t come across as ignorant, but seeing as his parents are from complete opposite sides of the world, I wouldn’t have thought his family had a “culture”. Not only that, but as much as I want to include aspects of each other’s families’ ideas into the wedding, ultimately I thought it would be OUR decision? I said, “what, you mean I should wear something like a sari?” and she basically replied saying yes. I’m from a Christian background and I don’t have any problems with people doing that, but I don’t particuarly want to wear one.
What really upset me, however, was how she said that her parents would probably prefer it if I didn’t sleep at his house anymore. I don’t even sleep in the same room as my boyfriend when I’m there, and the mum bought me slippers and puts towels on my bed when I do, so I never thought it was a problem. I asked if they’d said something, and she said “i PROMISE they haven’t”, but that she knew them well and that they’d prefer it if I didn’t? I don’t have family nearby so staying over was a treat to me, and now I feel upset and unwanted. She also said that her and her husband don’t even hold hands at her parents’ or in-laws’ house, and insinuated that I should do the same. I am really aware of not embarassing older generations, so don’t even do this around my parents, let alone theirs.
2 days in, she’d already started to e-mail me dress ideas (which, by the way, were really inappropriate for church, and I’d said before I wanted to be covered up it). Some of them had splits up the knee and were off the shoulder. Then she asked me what table designs I liked, so I sent her ideas. She said she saw a Mad Hatter theme going on, and said we could have trinkets on the tables. I said, “I don’t want it to look TOO alice in wonderland”, and she replied saying, “yes, fair point. but we have a long time in which to organise this and I think the little details would look far nicer”. !!!!
So I freaked out a bit last night and started crying to my boyfriend. Like I keep saying, I don’t even have a ring. So I said to my boyfriend to tell everyone to calm down and take things slowly and to not get caught in the hype. But even with the ring she’s getting involved and keeps calling me to see if I’ve had any further ideas for it. Then this morning, she sent me a 5 paragraph e-mail with all the things I need to start doing, and with guest lists for my boyfriend’s side of the family, and everyone’s dietary requirements!!!!!
I’ve said to my boyfriend it’s starting to get a little out of hand, but blood’s thicker than water, and he said she’s only being organised, that I was the one who pressed for a wedding, and that barely anything’s been said. This couldn’t be further from the truth: it’s getting f*****g annoying and out-of-hand, and my mum hasn’t even had a chance to get involved yet.
I want to say something but don’t want to hurt her feelings. Please help.