Post # 1
Hi ladies. I’m posting here cause I wanted to find a forum that was primarily female.
My situation is not a huge deal since I’ve only known this girl for about six months but I am pissed so I’m curious as to what your responses will be.
Here’s the deal real quick. Met a girl. We got along well. Thought she was “nice” so not too fussed when she held out on having sex. Said she wasn’t into going to bed too fast, said she wasn’t like that. OK. No problem. Took us about 2 months to get to it.
I have just found out that while “we were getting to know each other for two months” she had ongoing sex with a “friends with benefits.” I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt and say she stopped with him when we stated having sex BUT she was having sex with him for two months while telling me she wanted to take it slow with me cause that’s the way she is etc
We all know the end game here but I have not yet confronted her with this. Before I do I want to be prepared. I’d like your ideas of how she’ll respond so that I have good counters to her justifications / explanations – whatever they may be.
I’d really appreciate females’ views on this. Thanks.
Post # 3
Did you guys have an agreement that you were exclusive? If you didn’t, I say it was within her rights. She wanted to take it slow with you, and get to know you better. Whereas who knows what was going on with her and her friend?
If you did agree that you were exclusive, it was cheatin and it’s up to you wheter to forgive her or no.
If you really like her, you weren’t exclusive with her, and she broke it off now, I’d try and move past it.
Post # 4
As you said, you were getting to know each other–as in you and her. If there was no agreement between you two to be exclusive, then it makes perfect sense that she would be comfortable enough to have sex with someone she already knew, which is basically what it boils down to, I think.
Post # 5
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
@JustCluedIn: Yeah I agree with the others. If you weren’t exclusive, I might be kinda annoyed that she didn’t tell you about the other guy, but it’s well within her rights to do that and not tell you. If you were exclusive, then that’s a whole different thing.
Also, maybe she knew this other guy was just a physical situation whereas she really liked you and wanted to take it slowly for that reason. We all know guys don’t think “the one” is a girl who will put out right away, so maybe she didn’t want you to think she’s slutty and not girlfriend material. It’s a compliment that she didn’t sleep with you right away, really.
And just because she had a FWB doesn’t make her not a “nice” girl…
Post # 6
So according to the couple of ladies who answered, it was OK for her to be having sex with a friends with benefits while she was dating me and telling me that she was a girl who “wasn’t like that” ….because…. “we were getting to know each other?” Ok, I guess that’s a point of view. I’ll see if that’s what she says when I confront her.
By the way we have never had an exclusivity talk to this day.
Post # 7
I’m really learning the female perspective here – I guess that’s pretty good.
So another explanation is that “it’s a compliment that she didn’t sleep with me right away” while she was having her sexual neeeds serviced by another guy.
OK. that’s an explanation too.
Post # 8
@bebero: +1, she was taking it slow with YOU, she never said she was taking it slow in general…
Post # 9
Uhm, I disagree with PP’s – that’s downright disrespectful to me.
Disclaimer: I’m not a fan of “seeing” multiple people at once, and/or at least maybe I’m not coordinated enough for it. (Well, make that all past tense, yada yada, you know.)
If she told you she’s the type to take it slow with a guy when first dating him, I’d also (naturally) assume she was also the type to be exclusive. So yeah, I’d be offended.
I mean, how thoughtful that she waited for you, but at least she got her action on the side (sarcasm).
Do you really need to hear her response? I’d take a bet it’s going to be a lot of stress and more trouble than it’s worth. I sort of feel that she’s been disrespoectful enough, and you haven’t been dating long enough to really warrent a full-on discussion about this – stay or go, your choice. But don’t dwell on it too much -you’ve got a life to live.
Honestly, if someone wants to be that inconsiderate to me I think I wouldn’t really give them much of a chance to make excuses for themselves.
And By The Way – if you were a gal talking about a guy? The general advice would be to dump him ASAP, without waiting for an explination. Especially since it’s only been ~6 months.
I don’t think an internet forum full of women is going to give you much advice on how to counter a woman’s comments / arguments when you basically point out her mistake. Nobody likes to have their mistakes laid out in front of them, so to avoid a major blow-up, I’d advise you to craft your wording carefully instead of coming to the discussion armed with defenses and counter-comments.
Other than that, I think you can’t avoid a bit of drama involved with this.
Good luck, OP.
Post # 10
Agree with others. It depends if you guys were exclusive. I don’t think it matters the other guy was FWB. If you’re not exclusive, you both can be with other people, whether they are FWB, long term fling, or whatever. While I can see why you’re angry for her not telling, she hasn’t lied to you, maybe she has known this friend a long time, and she indeed doesn’t sleep with people unless she knows them enough.
Post # 11
If there’s no possible explanation that will satisfy you, what’s the point? You aren’t compatible. That’s not to say either of you is right or wrong, you just have different perspectives.
Post # 12
I was in the same situation as your gf, sort of. I was friends with benefits with someone for a long time and then started dating a new guy. I did not sleep with the new guy because sleeping with someone new (someone you don’t know as well) is a big step. I ended up sleeping with my FWB while dating the new guy and actually broke it off with the new guy once I did it (didn’t seem fair to him). So while I agree your gf should have been more open with you in the beginning, it does say something that she stopped seeing the other guy once you got intimate.
I wouldn’t be hurt about waiting to sleep with you while sleeping with the FWB aspect though. Again, having sex with a FWB who you’ve been intimate with before is very different than sleeping with someone you’ve begun to date. She did disclose her FWB and stopped that relationship once things progressed so that’s a positive. I agree she didn’t need to say anything to you in the beginning.
Post # 13
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
@JustCluedIn: Jeez dude. If you didn’t agree that you weren’t seeing anyone else, you don’t have a right to be pissed that she was.
I thought you wanted to hear the female perspective. If you want everyone here to bash your girlfriend and agree with you that she’s a giant slut, you’re out of luck. Go find some guys’ forum.
Post # 14
Dutchbee said “she was taking it slow with ME, she never said she was taking it slow in general” Technically that’s right and that’s why I’m pissed.
I don’t think it’s fair to me that just because she didn’t say she was slow with everybody that she’s off the hook
Post # 15
I will disagree with most of the PPs and agree that it’s weird for someone to want to “take it slow” while also sleeping with someone else on the side. I don’t care if you haven’t had the discussion about being exclusive, if you’re romantically interested in someone, want to take it slow with them and get to know them, stop sleeping with other people/going on dates with other people.
And honestly, I think if a girl came to WB and gave this exact same story everyone would be far more sympathetic towards her. WB seems to have a major double standard when it comes to problems from guys. In cases where a girl would get the advice to “leave him, it’s a red flag” a guy is frequently told something entirely different even if he had the same problem.
Post # 16
@JustCluedIn: I agree with the others. You weren’t exclusive and she had just met you, so she didn’t want to sleep with you too soon. Who knows how long she has known the other guy. She definitely did not do anything wrong. She was taking it slow..with you. Her relationship with someone else when you’re not exclusive isn’t really any of your business.