(Closed) My girlfriend's FWB when we startred dating

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 257
Member
3638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

The way she is acting tells me that she feels guilty, even before you told her how you felt, she was having the guilts. Therefore, what she did was wrong by HER standards. And in this case there are only two standards that matter, yours and hers. BOTH of you think that it was wrong. 

Coming over with shots and doing a strip tease?! I mean, great idea to spice up a relationship. Really STUPID move if you are doing it to ease your conscience and try to make your boyfriend forget about being upset through sex. Cheap move IMO.

What happens the next time a guy “puts the moves on her”? Is she going to be strong enough to say no next time? She didn’t say no to this guy even though she plays it like she wanted to. Plus, it seems like she slept with him right away. So much for not being “that girl”.

She doesn’t know what she wants and isn’t mature enough to talk these things out, instead she likes to cover them up with booze and hot sex. Unless you are deeply in love with this girl and willing to work through a lot of immaturity, you need to end it now.  

Post # 258
Member
223 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@JustCluedIn:  

 

I just feel like today the modern woman has SO many options…..just like men do.

 

Who care if she overlapped?

 

I would take this as a learning opportunity so in the future YOU take the initiative of saying ON THE FIRST DATE “I prefer to date one person at a time. I’m into you and I want to get to know you. Do you feel the same way?”

 

Without having a conversation, your “buyers remorse” feelings of taking her out on dates don’t hold much water. 

 

I’m sorry if that seems blunt. I’m not putting you down, but I do not think this means the girl is a cheater or anything bad. It’s just lack of communication/expectations.

 

Sadly your expectations don’t mesh with the reality of the modern woman today

Post # 259
Member
691 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

@JustCluedIn:  She says she doesn’t remember when she stopped sleeping with him? Pfff don’t believe that load of BS, she absolutely remembers but I bet she conveniently forgot.

She’s not worth it. This kind of situation is no way to build any relationship.

Move on.

Post # 260
Member
230 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

You really need to dump her.  Of course, if cheap sex is all you are looking for, then you may want to keep her around, but if you are looking for something more serious, then it is definitely time to cut your losses and move on. 

Post # 261
Member
5399 posts
Bee Keeper

My answer depends on what kind of guy YOU are. Are you the kind of guy who sleeps around and you’re only upset because you had to work for something she gave to someone else easily and your ego is bruised? Or are you the kind of guy who prefers both parties to wait for sex until there is a commitment? 

Actually, no matter which guy you are, I would end it because she’s already broken your trust, and she knows it as evidenced by 1) her guilty feelings, 2) the fact she tried this stripperesque bit when she knew something was wrong prior to a hard talk, and 3) the way she is being super clingy today. Obviously she knows what she did is wrong and she conveniently forgot if there was overlap (so yeah, there was, your gut instinct won’t lead you wrong). 

I wouldn’t choose someone as a life partner who lied about something so major, or who blamed it on the other guy being aggressive. I can assure you I have turned many an opportunity at sex down because I didn’t/don’t sleep around, even with some very aggressive guys. Her refusing to own up to it is cowardly. 

My advice is the same regardless, but in order to confidently say you deserve better, I hope you’re guy #2 and this isn’t some kind of double standard. 

Post # 262
Member
942 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@JustCluedIn:  Okay, I vote let it go.

 

Date her, make sure it’s exclusive and see how much you really like her after 5 more months.

There was serious mis-communication and no boundaries. I’ve dated 2 guys at once before, only because I had no committment to either of them or the relationship. But once I found someone I actually really liked and surprisingly believed I could be longterm, I cut the other guys off. And IRONICALLY it took me 2 months to sleep with him after ‘sleeping around’ I guess you can call it. It just meant more to take things slowly..to prove it was special. I’m married to him now.

dont let the jealousy get to you. she obviously really likes you, and wanted to be open about this. If you cant let it go, let her go. Otherwise you’ll secretly resent her.

Post # 263
Member
3256 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@JustCluedIn:  My, non-female, advice: cut and, run.

Post # 264
Member
984 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@JustCluedIn:  That was creepy, dude. Do both of you a favor and dump her.

Post # 265
Member
2786 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@JustCluedIn:  [email protected] thread. Until your update, I had written you off as a trolling dbag because of your attitude at the board tbh. That’s neither here nor there, but I appreciate seeing a person behind it is all.

Initially, I was part of the camp saying that she didn’t really do anything wrong per se due to not having the exclusivity talk. However, clearly she feels she was doing something wrong based on how you describe her actions now. Well, let me back up…she clearly feels that you think what she was doing was wrong. I think the most important thing here is to find out what her assessment of her situation is.

If she didn’t think she was doing anything wrong and was exercising her prerogative as a single woman, that would make it easier to get past this current situation imo. If she was doing something that at the time she felt was wrong, that’s just messed up. I don’t think I’d stick around unless (in my case) he was the absolute love of my life. 

That’s how I’d work it out in my head logically, but we both know logic isn’t what makes relationships. Take the time you need and look deep inside yourself. If you don’t think you can get past what happened and her subsequent attempts to lie (she totally knows when she stopped sleeping with the other guy btw), the relationship will fail no matter how much you may want it to work out. I’m sorry.

Post # 266
Member
4371 posts
Honey bee

@HisMoon:  I actually agree that from the updates, the gf seems to agree what she was doing is wrong and deceitful. But what I can’t get over is how obsessed OP is with the FWB guy, and seems jealous with what he “got away” with. It’s creepy to me, really. The problem isn’t that FWB got away with something; it’s that there was deceit and lack of communication. The FWB is only ancillary to this problem. I hope he doesn’t treat women well as a way to get them to sleep with him (with least possible cost to him), but rather because he is the type of person who treats women well. It’s also concerning that a 30 year old woman is not able to turn down FWB’s advances. 

Post # 267
Member
292 posts
Helper bee

[content moderated for baiting and violation of TOS 2.6.6.]

@iarebridezilla:  Maybe I have too much time on my hands

OP sounds like you’re both hurting each other and it might be time to sit down and have an honest conversation about what you want and expect from the relationship.

Post # 268
Member
2109 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Just move on. Don’t be cruel, just tell her it’s not working out and cut all contact. You’ll both be better off.

Post # 269
Member
2786 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@SoupyCat:  Oh I very much agree that it’s not good to be so preoccupied with how hard he had to work to get sex compared to FWB. Sadly, some guys are just like that and will focus on the sex. At the moment, I’m willing to give OP the benefit of the doubt. He could just be seemingly obsessed with the sex part of it because it’s easier than dealing with the more hurtful deceit. This is all armchair psychology since I don’t know him from Adam, but like I said, I’m willing to give him the benefit of the doubt.

I don’t believe her that she just couldn’t turn down the FWB’s advances. Maybe a couple of times after some drinks but for months? She sounds like she’s trying to say something she thinks is less hurtful than just coming out and admitting that she thought FWB was too good a sexual partner for her to immediately drop. 

Post # 270
Member
4371 posts
Honey bee

@HisMoon:  agree, that’s probably true. 

Post # 271
Member
1880 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I am in the camp that thinks neither of you is mature enough for a serious relationship.

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