(Closed) My girlfriend's FWB when we startred dating

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 18
Member
4369 posts
Honey bee

@JustCluedIn:  so you’re mad because she didnt put out fast enough for you. Get a grip. You waited 2 months. You’re not exclusive. She’s allowed to other sexual/romantic relationships on her own terms. 

Post # 19
Member
3472 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

sounds like you feel some type of way because you had to wait and the other guy didn’t (which isn’t necessarily true because most likely she knew the other guy way better than she knew you at the time which is why she felt comfortable being intimate with him and not you). I just want you to know that this is how you’re going to sound when you confront her: 

“So, so, so…you tricked me into believing you were a good girl. You made me wait and prove myself for your affections when in all actuality you’re not a good girl at all. Actually, you’re a whore. And, and, and, most importantly the other guy got it when I couldn’t. Noooo faaaaiir!!”

I hope she acknowledges and owns her behavior, reminds you that the two of you are STILL not exclusive and calls you out for how ridiculous you are being. Any dude who called himeslf “confronting” me in any attempt to throw my past (of which I’m not ashamed) in my face, would talk his way right out of my life. I’m grown. 

Post # 20
Member
11482 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

@JustCluedIn:  Before I answer anything regarding your specific questions, I want to state very clearly that my beliefs and values are such that I do not believe in having sex outside of a marriage relationship. At all. 

However, because it is apparent from your OP that neither you nor the woman about whom you are posting has a belief against it, and you note that the two of you never even discussed the matter of exclusivity in your relationship, it would have been presumptious of you to assume that you were in an exclusive relationship or that she was not otherwise involved with someone whom she knew prior to meeting you.

Although I agree that the nature of your friend’s comments may have left you with the impression that she was not someone who was interested in having a casual sexual relationship with anyone, as a general rule, it is not wise for anyone to make assumptions about such matters regarding their dating partners.

Post # 21
Member
2555 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@JustCluedIn:  you were actually getting to know each other. she didn’t say “I don’t have sex”. she said “i don’t want to have sex with you until i know you better”. which eventually happened, and she broke it off with the other guy. she didn’t lie when she said she wasn’t like that. she is like that. like wanting to get to know you better!

Post # 22
Member
491 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I don’t really see the point of confronting her unless you want to break up. It also sounds like you don’t really feel you were cheated on by rather that you felt it was unfair she made you wait. 

That’s the way it happened. If you have a good relationship and want to continue, then why drag it up? It sounds like you either need to deal with what sounds like jealousy or break up and move on if you find it unacceptable. 

Post # 23
Member
1459 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2017 - Bristol zoo

@CakeyP:  Yeah, +1

 

I get that she could use the logic that you hadn’t specified being exclusive as a defense, and as such it would be up to you to be okay with it or not.

But that would in no way fly with me, Boyfriend or Best Friend and I got to know each other for about a month before he asked me to be his girlfriend (mostly via text and FB although we initially met in person). Two or three days after I met him I called it off with the guy I was basically FWB with because I realised wanted to persue Boyfriend or Best Friend, I can hardly put my all into courting one boy when I’m being physical with another. And likelise, if I’d have found out that Boyfriend or Best Friend had been juggling a couple of potential girls while in that initial stage I’d have been pretty pissed and would probably wonder about his reliability (and especially if, as in your case he had been making out that he wasn’t that kind of guy).

 

Anyway it’s your decision how to feel about this (particularly so if you “weren’t exclusive” at the time). I won’t deny that I kind of surprised by most of the responses you’ve recieved so far. All the best x

Post # 24
Member
2555 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

you said: “I don’t think it’s fair to me that just because she didn’t say she was slow with everybody that she’s off the hook”


but off the hook for what? if you guys weren’t exclusive, you can’t  be mad at her for sleeping with someone else for two months. you can be upset, because nobody can tell you what to feel, but she didn’t do anything wrong. she didn’t deceive you or made you believe she wasn’t sleeping with anyone.

she liked you enough to sleep with you and break up with the other dude!

Post # 26
Member
749 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

She was being a skank bot.. i mean she has a FWB.. and it seems like u dont want to be with a girl like that.. find someone else.. 

ya your ego may be bruised bc she chose to do it with some other guy while seeing you.. but it would probably be best to move on.. 

the heartache before youre even exclusive isnt worth it.. and when u find the right girl things will work and there will be no suprises like this.. 

next time on your first date askthe girl how she feels about FWB. if shes ok with it, dont call her again.. 

Post # 27
Member
3909 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

@JustCluedIn:  You have a right to be upset, you feel like you were lied to! She lied by omission, if she was ‘seeing’ other people she should have disclosed that. But thats not to say that what she did was totally 100% unforgivable. Was it disrespectful? Yes!

But she wasnt sleeping with you both at the same time, and as soon as she was comfortable enough with you to take it to that level she broke it off with him. She had a friend that she was comfortable with, but not Boyfriend or Best Friend material. She found what she thought was Boyfriend or Best Friend material, but kept the friend on the back burner until she was sure. She was casual about your relationship until it became clear that this wasnt a ‘casual’ relationship.

You should talk to her about it! You’ll be mad for a bit and she should know that, once you’ve talked you’ll either break it off with her or eventually get over it. She cant take it back and she cant really say much to make it better. its up to you whether you can move forward knowing what you know.

I dont think I’d break up with a great guy over that though.

Good Luck!

Post # 28
Member
2654 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@JustCluedIn:  I would dump her. I wouldn’t be interested in someone who behaved like that. When I imagine the beginning of my relationship with my Darling Husband I would be devestated if I thought hehad eyes for someone else, never mind slept with them. 

Post # 29
Member
2555 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Question to everyone:

 

if you have been with your SO for, let’s say, over 3 years, and you accidentally found out that before you guys had  “the talk” about being exclusive or before you guys were officially boyfriend/girlfriend; your SO was having sex with someone else… would you break up now? would you feel as if he/she is cheating now?

 

I know I wouldn’t. Would I feel hurt? Yes, because I don’t want to really think about him having sex with other women. Now, would I think he betrayed me? no. it was within his rights. that’s why we weren’t exclusive.

Post # 30
Member
536 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@FionnaCake:  as well as all the other bees–

 

FWIW, i think this is also a generational issue.  I am 15 years younger than my Fiance and we are discussing the topic on this thread and my Fiance really wasnt aware that dating can be so murky this day and age.  for older bees, it may be black and white– i am an “old soul” and i never had the patience for the bullcrap that my peers go through with dating.  hence, i am marrying a man 15 years older than me. 

 

but for younger people, its not as clear.  in college i watched a friend have a male fwb and she and he totally just used eahc other for sex. then she developed feelings for him and was so EMBARRASSED by the feelings (what!?!) she stopped seeing him.  if that isnt ass backwards and effed up, i dont know what is. 

 

OP, from what I read you havent YET had a convo with your “girlfriend” (you cant call her that yet until youve had the “talk” that you are exlcusive) that you are exlcusive.  so go through that first.  make sure you are on the same page.  you can discuss what she did otherwise but i wouldnt do it in an accusatory tone if you want to stay with her.  she didnt do anything totally wrong but she wasnt perfect about it either.  take the opportunity to clear the air and start fresh.

Post # 31
Member
4413 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@FionnaCake:  I’m inclined to agree with you. This whole thing sounds kind of shady.

OP, did she actually SAY things like “I want to take it slow” “I’m not that kind of girl” etc., or did she just sort of … not have sex with you right away? If she was just not putting out, then it’s unfortunate that you assumed she wasn’t sleeping with anyone else but also isn’t her fault. But if she outright told you that she wanted to wait to have sex because she’s a good girl and blah blah blah but was getting some on the side the whole time, then it sounds like she was intentionally painting a picture of herself that was not accurate. There’s no way she didn’t KNOW she was being shady if that’s how it went down. I would certainly feel shady doing that.

I’d definitely expect her to use the whole “well we never said we were exclusive so it’s your fault for assuming” line when you confront her. However, I don’t think anyone really believes that when they say it. It’s kind of a cop-out line you use when you know you did something bad.

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