Post # 47
IareBridezilla is on the money in saying “If she was just not putting out, then it’s unfortunate that you assumed she wasn’t sleeping with anyone else but also isn’t her fault. But if she outright told you that she wanted to wait to have sex because she’s a good girl and blah blah blah but was getting some on the side the whole time, then it sounds like she was intentionally painting a picture of herself that was not accurate.”
Anyway this has developed into a who’s at fault thing and that was not my intention. I get it – this is a women’s forum so the sisterhood defends the sister – I GET IT. So I made assumptions that I should not have made and she’s off the hook because of Bill Clintonesque logic ie what the definition of is is. So when she says “she’s not that kind of girl” she did not lie becasue she in fact is not that kind of girl ….with ME. When she said she’s a girl who wants to take it slow, she didn’t lie becasue in fact she did want to take it slow ….with ME.
What I really wanted to hear was what explanations / logic / lines / bs / accurate reasoning ? anything in between / that could be used by her when I bring it up.
Post # 48
I am with my fellow bees who are in the school of thinking that “well we weren’t exclusive so I can do what I want” is bullcrap. I personally would feel disrespected, and hurt. I don’t adhere to normal “modern” dating standards, I guess. When Fiance and I started talking I was casually dating someone at the time, and all we had done was kissed one time at the zoo on our fourth date…buuuut then I stopped talking to him when I realized I wanted to get to know my Fiance better. So…
I think especially if you’re devoting 6 months of your life to someone you should focus on THAT someone. And since you said you were only giving her the benefit of the doubt to assume that she may have stopped when you guys started having sex, you don’t know that for certain. If you think she’d be straight with you, ask her.
Overall, I guess just talk to her, but since so many people seem to have this weird “I can do what I want if we’re not ‘exclusive'” mentality, I would assume she’s adhering to that. Good luck!
Post # 49
I’m aware that US dating culture is very different than Icelandic, but to me this would be cheating and a total dealbreaker.
Post # 50
@Overjoyed: If you’ve been dating for a couple months, if you haven’t discussed the status of your relationship I don’t think the default is “it is ok to date and sleep with other people and not tell other partner about it”. This couple did not talk about whether or not they were exclusive, she assumed it was ok to continue seeing her FWB and he is upset about it. Therefor he didn’t think it was ok to be seeing other people.
I guess I think the default is you are only seeing each other unless you have discussed it with the other person. Seeing as how people disagree, that just makes it more important for people to be upfront with each other in order to avoid situations like the OP is in now.
Post # 51
OP, I kind of agree with what PP have been saying- that since you didn’t say you were exclusive, she wasn’t doing anything “wrong”. But dating (esp having sex with) multiple people at once is not my thing so this situation wouldn’t fly with me. For the record, I’m 22 so it isn’t an older generation thing with me.
Anyway, OP, I think you should have a really honest conversation with her (IF you like her enough to consider overlooking this). Sit down and explain what your impressions were, ask her to explain her side, talk it out. If you’re just looking for ways to deal with “bs” like you said, having a conversation is probably not necessary- just tell her you don’t think you guys are compatible. But if you think the relationship is worth it, then make sure you explain your side thoroughly and see if you can come to an understanding.
Post # 52
I don’t see what the problem is. She said she was “not the kind of girl” who sleeps with people she doesn’t know and trust. And nothing the OP has said so far indicates otherwise. Is she supposed to live the life of a nun while waiting to find love?
I casually dated multiple people until I found my Fiance. One of my dates with someone else involved shopping for a dress to wear to valentine’s day with Fiance (obviously my date didn’t get the rundown on the dress’s debut). That’s how dating works.
Anyway, $10 says that the OP would have done the same thing, given the opportunity.
Post # 53
@bebero: well, maybe I’m old-fashioned, but saying things like “I’m not the kind of girl that has sex right away” and “I’d prefer we really got to know each other before taking such a big step” is not compatible with “having an emotion-free casual f*** buddy on the side.” I don’t see how a person could both take sex extremely seriously and at the same time treat it completely casually unless they sort of knew they were doing something shady. Plus, as PP mentioned, if she really did see a future in the relationship with OP and wanted things to get more serious before having sex, then why in the hell was she even still banging her buddy?! Clearly she wasn’t THAT serious about the OP … so why was she holding out on sex at all?! There are two completely opposing viewpoints that she apparently was able to hold at the exact same moment. I don’t really buy it.
Post # 54
@JustCluedIn: OP, you wanted to hear how we believe this will go down, so here goes.
you: you lied to me, you said you wanted to wait till you got to know me better before we had sex, but you’re sleeping with Jim Bob!
gf/hussy: but we never agreed to be exclusive! Jim Bob and I were together but I decided I wanted to be with you (after getting to know you for the last two months).
You: you were just FWB with Jim Bob. He didnt even need to buy you steaks at Outback, and you still slept with him.
Gf/hussy: But we had so much fun together eating steaks at Outback, and I really like talking to you at the steakhouse.
You: But the SEX! You didnt give me the SEX and Jim Bob got it with having to buy you steaks!!
gf/hussy: so you bought me steaks at the Outback so I’ll sleep with you? The steaks at Outback aren’t that good. Jim Bob’s looking better by the minute…
Post # 55
Again, I have to make corrections.
It’s one thing to defend her, it’s another to distort facts. Faeriekiiss said don’t go with the “whole why you didn’t put out with me sooner. You’ll just sound whiny and insecure.” I have made no mention of “why she didn’t put out earlier” I simply stated that while NOT having sex with me for a couple of months she WAS having sex with the other dude. These are facts.
Post # 56
She lied to you and lead you on. If she wouldn’t have said “I’m not like that” as if she is a saint then I wouldn’t feel that negative towards what she did. It’s ok to date two people at once if you are dating around etc but there should still be honesty. it started wrong and she never told you so that bothers me also. I do think you should have had the exclusive talk by now. it would clarify things and then maybe she would have told you what happened with her FWB. She may, since you never had the talk sAy she didn’t know where you stood. Sounds like you really like the girl. Besides this issue, has there been other problems? She may have just made a not so great choice and thn realized she really liked you and ended the FWB. But you need to talk out where you guys stand if not she may find another FWB. OR maybe you are the new FWB? Sorry. Maybe that was mean.
Post # 57
I really don’t get it. You weren’t exclusive and you weren’t discussing it, so neither of you had an express fidelity agreement. You’re upset because she was fooling around whilst making you wait? Too bad, get over it. There’s absolutely nothing incongrous with trying to take things slow with you while getting to know you whilst having a FWB.
In the end, unless there was a specific commitment (with the expectations of fidelity it entails) between you two – I don’t really get why you feel she’s on the “hook” for anything. There was no hook to speak of to begin with.
Post # 58
- Wedding: July 2017 - Bristol zoo
@JustCluedIn: As a direct response to your specific question “how could she potentially explain/defend her actions?” the only arguments I can think of is “we weren’t exclusive” or possibily something along the lines of “I wanted you make absolutely sure you and I worked well enough to give up my FWB deal for”. And I think that’s kind of what a lot of the other bees are saying, albeit often in a more roundabout way.
I think it sucks (see my original post #22 or so) but only you can decide if you’re okay with how everything went down. And sorry that your thread seems to have taken a slight diverson
Post # 59
To all PP’s let’s not forget we’re getting one side of things here. I really don’t get where this shaming is coming from. Just because a woman is sexually active doesn’t mean she has to be sexually active with HIM. It’s entirely her prerrogative whom to be intimate and when. So let’s drop the shaming here.
Post # 60
Wow. I’m having to defend myself too much here and I’mthe one who’s being polite.
fzesguer said “Are you mad that you jumped through hoops for two months just so you could finally have sex with her? Are you regretting going through all that trouble? If all you wanted from her was sex, why did you “date” her? Why didn’t you just try to be another one of her FWB’s?”
Yes, I am mad that I had to jump thru hoops – BUT – I was OK with it becasue I thought she was the sort of girl that was like this all the time.
Yes, I do regret going thru all that trouble.
No, I did NOT want just sex. I wanted a relationship with a girl who was as she misrepresented herslf to be. “I’m not that kind of girl” or “I’m not like that” or “I want to take it slow” MEANT TO ME that she was like this ALL THE TIME – NOT JUST WITH ME – LOL!!!!!
Post # 61
@JustCluedIn: But how do you know this information in the first place?
And even so, you don’t know how long she has known her FWB or how long she made him wait.
This is clearly more about your ego than anything else, given your last post.