(Closed) My girlfriend's FWB when we startred dating

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 62
Member
143 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

JustCluedIn: And that’s the risk you run with assumptions. Not everybody adheres to the same values. Maybe you’re better off with someone who’s more aligned with your expectations? I don’t think she was wrong, it’s more like you might more compatible with somebody else. 

Post # 63
Member
208 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@JustCluedIn:  I agree with you. By saying that it made it seem she was not doing that with anyone else. She painted a really pretty picture of herself!! 

Sorry you’re being attacked I’ll defend you. 

Post # 64
Member
7199 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

@Overjoyed:  “So, so, so…you tricked me into believing you were a good girl. You made me wait and prove myself for your affections when in all actuality you’re not a good girl at all. Actually, you’re a whore. And, and, and, most importantly the other guy got it when I couldn’t. Noooo faaaaiir!!”

Bingo. This is it exactly. 

@JustCluedIn:  This is why I don’t have sex without the talk. Honestly, I can see why you’re upset, but ultimately you made assumptions about your relationship. She didn’t tell you she wasn’t sleeping with anyone else. She just said she wanted to get to know you first. Sucks, but what are you going to do about it now? All you can do is talk it out with her, but she didn’t lie. I don’t know that there is really anything to be mad at. You have to decide for yourself if you can get past the idea that she slept with someone else when you two were still getting to know each other. If so, I’d hurry up and have a talk about exclusivity. 

Post # 65
Member
4369 posts
Honey bee

@JustCluedIn:  just wondering- would you have had a problem if she jumped right into bed with you, while keeping her FWB on the side?

Post # 66
Member
3476 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@pixiecat:  I completely agree. And also you make a good point that the default should not be “we are free to sleep around with whomever.” And if OP’s feelings are hurt, he has a right to feel that way. What I don’t feel he has a right to do is attack her for failing to uphold a contract she never signed. Also, he seems very focused on the sex aspect. What “kind of girl” did she say she was that OP now realizes she is not? The kind of girl who never has sex, ever? Obviously not, because she eventually had sex with HIM. Maybe she’s the kind of girl who makes all her sexual partners wait 2 months. That could be true. For all we know she knew the FWB for years before she ever slept with him. It’s crystal clear me the reason why OP is so butthurt. But any pain/damage you experience due to your reliance on a promise the other person never made is no one’s fault but your own. If he can’t get past this, he should break up with her. Not try to make her out to be a liar when she hasn’t necessarily said anything untrue.

It would take a lot of strength to say “listen, I realize that we never talked about it before now but I really thought we were exclusive all along. I just learned that you were sleeping with someone else when we first started dating and it really hurt my feelings because I feel a little deceived. Can we talk about this?” It’s far easier to “confront” her and tell her she’s not the kinda girl he thought she was and yadda yadda ya. I’m telling you now, when I was dating if a man had come to me and said some mess like it seems OP is planning to say, I would’ve looked him straight in the eye and said “yeah. and?” 

Post # 67
Member
7199 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

@JustCluedIn:  Like others have said, maybe she knew the FWB a long time and trusted him.. so she IS “like that all the time”. But if she is the kind of girl that can have no strings attached sex with a good friend while she’s starting to date someone else and you are the kind of person who finds that unacceptable, is it really worth the fight? Just tell her “This is what I just found out and it really doesn’t matter what the reasons are. I don’t find this acceptable, I’m out.” 

Your original post said you basically wanted to hear what she might say so you can head her off at the pass… but nothing is going to take back what’s already happened. 

Post # 68
Member
9134 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@JustCluedIn:  Taking it slow with you means she actually likes you and sees  some kind of relationship there.  An FWB is just there to service her sexual needs until you and her become exclusive.  Until you have the exclusivity talk, you can’t just assume you’re the only person she is dating, seeing, sleeping with, etc…

However, I was in a similar situation when I met my Fiance (and yes he was made aware of it early on in our relationship) where I had an FWB and was winding down dating another guy (we weren’t in an exclusive relationship because he didn’t want to be exclusive yet and wasn’t that into him.)  But the moment I met my Fiance I had no desire to see or hook up with any other guy including my FWB.  That’s part of the reason I knew I wanted an exclusive relationship with my Fiance.

So she hasn’t really done anything wrong at this point but the fact that she continues to hook up with her FWB while trying to build some kind of relationship with you for the last two months says a lot about how she most likely feels about your relationship.  Decide now whether you can forgive her for what you believe is a transgression and move on; if you can’t then you need to break it off and make sure you have the exclusivity talk earlier on in your future relationships so you know where you stand.

Post # 69
Member
7199 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

@Overjoyed:  I’m falling in love with you right now. 

(But I’d still make you wait :P)

Post # 70
Member
2530 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

This thread really boggles my mind.
I’ve never had an “are we exclusive” talk with anyone I dated, because merely the fact of deciding that you’re girlfriend/boyfriend implies that there is no one else you’re seeing and/or sleeping with.
I said implies, yes – because relationships are built on trust, and that means you shouldn’t need to grill your SO of their every intention while dating them.

I’m surprised at how many people are not even taking a moment to slip into your shoes, so to speak. Your feelings are hurt, your trust is betrayed, and now the internet is sort of rallying against you.

I get it – your post was probably written a bit out of anger (because seriously – we all do that on here sometimes), but man is this discussion doing a number to fuel my own anger.
I am rather appalled at how many people on here think this should be an OK situation with you, because if it happened to them I’m sure they couldn’t just shrug it off. I can’t even shrug this off, and I just got the story from your first post!!

If you were female and talking about your boyfriend, this really would be a different discussion in this forum. Honestly, you could probably even do a search in the forums to find out if there is another discussion like this out there. I bet you’d find better support and advice in those threads.

Post # 71
Member
2564 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@Overjoyed:  I agree with you on his fixation with the sex aspect and “what kind of girl she is”.  Waiting until you know someone for 2 months before sleeping with them has nothing to do with if you have a FWB, or date multiple people at once.  I don’t think anyone needs to say on the first date “Hi, I’m Betty, I am seeing multiple men right now and not just you”, but I think she should have disclosed the other guy to OP before sleeping with him.

 

@JustCluedIn:  What Overjoyed said: “listen, I realize that we never talked about it before now but I really thought we were exclusive all along. I just learned that you were sleeping with someone else when we first started dating and it really hurt my feelings because I feel a little deceived. Can we talk about this?”  Is exactly what you should say to this girl.  If you can have a rational discussion and get past this that is great.  If you go in, guns blazing looking for on confrotation on “the type of girl” this relationship is doomed to fail.  You need to decide what is more important to you, the fact that you two were not on the same page as far as seeing other people but continue your relationship while being open with each other, or if the fact that she was sleeping with someone else at the ame time is something you can’t get past.

 

 

 

Post # 72
Member
1443 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@havfrue:  So true!

Post # 74
Member
3476 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@MexiPino:  I’m SO not that kinda girl…

Post # 75
Member
7199 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

@SoupyCat:  DING! You are right on the money. There is NO way for this to go well. 

Post # 76
Member
7199 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

@JustCluedIn:  To be fair, I don’t know that we necessarily called you a jerk. You wanted to know what kinds of things she would say and we said them. You got angry because it all sounds like BS to you… which is exactly what will happen with the girlfriend. Essentially, you did get what you asked for… we just didn’t also say “The hussy lying bitch from hell will probably spout some bullshit like….” before it. 

Good luck. It sounds like breaking it off is probably best for all involved. 

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