(Closed) My girlfriend's FWB when we startred dating

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 77
Member
1262 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@JustCluedIn:  Uuuhh I personally think she lied, and that is always a problem. I mean, yeah, she didn’t overtly say “I am not having sex with anyone” but she did, at least how you described it, purposely give you a picture of herself that was not true, and in my eyes, that’s a lie. I think she knew full well that if you knew she was actively sleeping with someone, that you might not want to get into the relationship as much, and I think it is very telling when people withold pertinant info they know the other person would want to know about because they are afraid of the consequences.

I am seeing a lot of “You weren’t exclusive, so she didn’t have stop having sex with someone else.” But if you thought you were exclusive, even if she didn’t, she should have made it clear she didn’t think the two of you were. That is the decent thing to do. And I honestly think that excuse is usually just a cop out anyhow. It is common sense if two people are dating in such a way to go forward, that they should probably not be sleeping with someone else through that whole process. I think a lot of these girls on here would be upset if this same situation happened to them.

Post # 78
Member
7199 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

@Overjoyed:  To be honest… I’d still be getting it on with my FWB (aka boyfriend) anyway. 

Post # 79
Member
529 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

@JustCluedIn:  If you guys still aren’t exclusive she really doesn’t have to call it off with her FWB dude. If you guys haven’t had that talk she probably thinks you’re out doing your own thing too and she’s just trying to figure things out.

Have you been dating any other ladies while seeing her?

Post # 80
Member
1443 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@JustCluedIn:  Sounds like you came onto this site hoping to find people that only agreed with *your* position on the matter.  Sounds pretty lame of you to blindside her like you’ve stated you plan on doing.  You’re probably doing her a favor, in the long run. 

Post # 81
Member
136 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

It’s clear that you came here expecting a very different response than you have received and are unhappy about it. 

The thing that others keep saying, which you are repeatedly failing to hear, is that she didn’t lie to you. By your own admission, she said she’s not the type of girl to jump into bed with someone she doesn’t know, therefore she took a couple of months to get to know you before having sex. Clearly she knew and was already friends with her FWB before she slept with him. You have no idea how long they knew each other prior. 

IF she met her FWB around the time she met you and immediately slept with him, you would have a right to be angry, and she would be a liar. IF she told you she did not believe in having sex outside of a committed relationship, but had a FWB,  you would have a right to be angry, and she would be a liar. Based on what you yourself have told us, she is not a liar. 

If this is something you cannot accept, you have that right. Break up with her and consider this a lesson in communication, to take into your next relationship. 

Post # 82
Member
3473 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@JustCluedIn:  well done. Dumping her is the exact right move. She’s likely better off. I’m not sure why you’re trying to manipulate us emotionally, telling us the WE’RE the reason why our sisterfriend is getting dumped, but whatevs. Best of luck in your future relationships. I hope next time actually discuss with a woman what kind of relationship you would like to have with her before you decide for her, then punish her for not conforming to the rules of which you never informed her. I’ve given this same advice to SO many women in the past. And like you, they don’t want to hear it.

Post # 83
Member
3051 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

@CakeyP:  I COMPLETELY agree with you. There is nothing I could add to make your post any better.

Post # 85
Member
39 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2014

In my opinion, if you are serious about getting to know someone romantically, you don’t go sleeping with someone else.

However, I guess it also depends on how serious you guys were when “getting to know” each other. If you were going on romantic dates and speaking every day, I would be quite upset that she continued to see someone else intimately. If it was a casual text here and there with more friendliness than actual chemistry, I could forgive her for still seeing a FWB until things were “exclusive”

When I met my fiancé, I was going interstate soon after on holidays and we could not meet up for a date straight away. We did talk every single day until we got to go on our first date, and from day one of texting, things were quite serious. If I found out that he was sleeping around even though we hadn’t labelled ourselves exclusive, I would have been heartbroken. It just depends on the dynamics of the relationship. 

Post # 86
Member
3563 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@JustCluedIn:  Unless she blatantly lied to you about it, you shouldn’t be pissed.  Just because she had a FWB doesn’t mean she is “that type of girl.”

Personally, if I really liked a guy and truly thought we could have something serious, I took it slow.  I had my guard up because there was a chance that I could get hurt just because I really had feelings for him.  I dated my Fiance for a month before I would even kiss him, let alone jump in bed with him, because if it wasn’t serious, I didn’t want to be hurt even more.

There is a difference between “just having sex” with a FWB or a random hook-up and “having sex with someone you really have feelings for/love.”

If you must confront her on this, just ask her to explain her feelings about it, but do not come across in an angry, judgemental tone.

However, if you really do like her, or even love her, perhaps the best thing to do is to move on and enjoy being with her…but definitely have an exclusivity talk…you guys need to be on the same page. If you both call each other your bf/gf, chances are, that exclusivity is assumed by the title of a bf/gf. 

Post # 87
Member
1262 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@iarebridezilla:  +1. The twisted logic on this post is insane. I can’t tell if it’s more hilarious or depressing.

 

Post # 88
Member
3092 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I don’t really buy it either.  It sounds like she just wanted to have a backup around in case it didn’t work out with you or the other guy…whoever she was really trying to make it work with.

I also think if the “we are exclusive” talk has to happen as pp have indicated then it seems just as reasonable to expect a “we’re not exclusive” talk to happen if that’s what was happening.  Just my 2 cents.

Post # 89
Member
5876 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

 

@JustCluedIn:

Firstly, I don’t think that 2 months is long to wait AT ALL – so there is some female perspective for you ;-P

 

Perspective #1: 

 

On the one hand, I think it’s ctiical that you were not exclusive, therefore there was no cheating.  

 

I also think that you need to understand that her not wanting to sleep with you probably means she isn’t the type of girl to sleep with someone she doesn’t know very well or trust.  It’s likely that her FWB is someone that she knows well and trusts, but doesn’t see as having the potential for a bf/gf or long term relationship. 

 

It’s her right to choose who she sleeps with, and just because she chose someone else does not make her a bad person, or a slut, or a manipulator.

 

Perspective #2: The Liar

 

I do, however, think that it’s very important that there may have been an intentional deciet here.  It sounds like you had the impression that she wasn’t the type of girl who had sex with many men or with men who she wasn’t in a serious relationship with.  Obviously, if she intentionally lead you to believe this, she was lying.  In that case I think that she’s a liar and you should dump her.

 

Either way, it sounds like you are planning to break up with her.  If that’s the case, it doesn’t really matter what any of us think.  Just break up with her and move on.  It’s ok if that’s what you want to do.

 

Post # 90
Member
1780 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I disagree with many PP if you are seeing someone and interested in them then the FWB needs to stop….and OP i dont believe has said if shes ended it (or knows for sure)…..

how many threads have we seen on the BEE where a man has done much less and we are ready to string him up by his testicles…..

As a woman when i felt something for anyone ive dated and thought it may turn into a relationship wether it was exclusive or not, i stopped messing around and a certainly would never keep a FWB on the side and lie about it…. its respect….i think people take sex way too loosely in  this day and age, to some it is a very serious commitment to others its just a fun time…..i guesse as a nurse with Labor and Delivery experience you see the drama that unfolds when a FWIB situation can go out of hand if there is a pregnancy and good ol boyfriend is there ready to step up and uh oh here comes the friends with benfeits on the side….because well they “never had the were exclusive chat”….its bs, girls can be just as shady, i know for fact that 90% of the time on this website if this was his gf writing he had a FWB and didnt tell her yall be would be bringing out the pitchforks….

so end of rant….girls are players too, and thats what she is….end of story exclusive or not….she was shady she knew it has been lying….

OP it at the end of the day is up to you on wheter you want to forgive and move on from this and continue a relationship…..If YOU can decide in your heart that you want to forgive and move on, then do it, if you dont think you can…leave and be done with it….I would highly recommend getting an STD test done, and making sure your healthy….you only know of one other person who knows what else is being hidden….

my point for this rant…..if you “like” someone enough to “take it slow” while you are talking and developing a relationship, grow a set, have the talk, and keep your pants on or buy a dildo….simple as that….otherwise you get this whole unnecessary drama…

and no one has brought this up….but think of her friend on the side??!!! WHAT IF HE THINKS/THOUGHT he was the only one too??? she played two people here…

Post # 91
Member
4369 posts
Honey bee

Another run by poster who only wanted people to agree with him. Look, I don’t know your gf and have no “sisterhood” bond with her. I would give the same advice to a man or a woman. You know what they say when you ASSUME. Especially when it’s a new relationship. Bottom line, unless you communicate, you have no one to blame but yourself.

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