(Closed) My girlfriend's FWB when we startred dating

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 92
Member
7199 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

@kansas_nurse:  See that’s the thing… if a lady posted this same thing I feel like the Bees would have the same advice- “Sorry, honey, guys’ll get it where they can. You should have clarified that you were exclusive.” What I *think* is rubbing people the wrong way here is the “not that kind of girl” statement. Because isn’t that how it always is? Boys will be boys but you can’t be that kind of girl. I don’t know…. I just feel like he’s saying she’s this big liar slut horrible bitch… when really she was just seeing a couple people at the same time when neither relationship was serious. 

Post # 93
Member
58 posts
Worker bee

@JustCluedIn:  Ideas on how she will respond: She will be angry and defensive because you are retro-actively – and therefore, unfairly – enforcing your expectations upon her.

Your girlfriend made her expectations clear: She expected you to be patient until she knew you well enough to be comfortable sleeping with you.

You did not make your expectations clear; that you expected her to be emotionally and physically exclusive during that time.

Being upset and hurt because you’ve realized you and your partner disagree on what constitutes commitment is totally understandable.

Throwing your expectations in her face now and acting like she’s deceived you is unreasonable. 

 

Either decide you can live with it and don’t confront her, or prepare for the fact that your actions (not hers) will probably sabotage your relationship pretty badly.

Either way, coming on here fishing for ideas about how to shut her down when she tries to respond to you putting her on the spot about her sexual history… sounds pretty awful, tbh. It doesn’t sound like you’re interested in solving your relationship problem and instead just want to know how to hurt her as much as possible in the fight you’re about to start.

Post # 94
Member
529 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

@JustCluedIn:  I think you’re way out of line to jump to dumping her when you haven’t even asked her about it. Sounds like you don’t care about her that much. You came here so you could get a good angle of attack. You want to know what she would say so you would have answers ready to ambush her. Sad little man who hasn’t even talked to her about it yourself. Rumors are a bitch and you are probably shooting yourself in the foot.

Post # 95
Member
2203 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I’d ask her for her side of the story before dumping her.

Post # 96
Member
7199 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

@KittyCatToe:  Exactly. He heard from someone…. then came here to get other women to help him ambush her… then the only thing he “smiles” about is me sarcastically calling her a bitch to make a point. If you clearly don’t want to make it work, why even bother fighting about it? So dumb. She clearly wants a life with him and will most likely fight for it, but he clearly has no intention of listening or forgiving her, so why torture the poor girl?

Post # 97
Member
1780 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@MexiPino:  see….ive seen the opposite here….with omg run hunnie what a douche….i have rarely seen oh boys will be boys unless its a crazy chick posting shes pissed about her SO doing something like oh 5-6 months before they met……

the point of my post is girls and guys are both shady, and its about respect, if shes done with the other she needs to own up say ok are we or arent we, i feel like he was more upset about being lied to about it….but that is the problem with this post…we are all assuming we know how OP feels about his Girlfriend….he hasnt said “the little skank” this post started because he wants to confront her about Lies to him….not the fact that she was sleeping around….i do admitt that i 100% know chicks who are all “oh im not that kind of girl, i only take it slow with new people” but are banging 3 dudes on the side….

i think the point of this post is lost….he wanted things to confront her with such as other womens opinions….but now were attacking him for being trusting of her….if it was all about sex as some pp have made it seem….if it was really ALL he wanted….dont you think he would have just dumped her ass on the curb for someone who would??? no he actually liked her and waited for her….while she was out getting her jollies….if she were a man she would have been linched on this site by now….weve all seen it….

Post # 98
Member
1780 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

or I could be wrong and this could be a post 100% made up by someone to get people riled up (i hate calling troll) but….some of this does seem far fetched….esp the responses….and what better way to get a site going the to start a male vs female cheating perspective….who knows….either way OP needs to man up make a decision and stick to it….

Post # 99
Member
7199 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

@kansas_nurse:  Maybe. The part that bugs me is that he clearly stated that he wants ideas of what her “explanations / logic / lines / bs” would be. That’s not someone looking for how to repair his relationship after a preceived disception. He’s basically looking for the upper hand in a fight. We told him exactly what she’s going to say- “We weren’t exclusive. What I did with JimBob had nothing to do with you and me.” and he didn’t like it because it sounds like we’re defending her. Like all the female bees who post crap like this, he wanted us to say “You have be horribly wronged! Your SO is a vile human who will probably just keep lieing to you!”. When we didn’t, like all other bees, he got mad. 

Post # 100
Member
5875 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@JustCluedIn:  “What I really wanted to hear was what explanations / logic / lines / bs / accurate reasoning ? anything in between / that could be used by her when I bring it up.”

Why?  Are you trying to win a debate with her?  Are you trying to decide if you’ll dump her?  It sounds like, to you, this is unforgivable and are going to dump her.  (Maybe I have that wrong?)  If you feel like this is a lethal blow, just break up with her.  I think that what you’ve heard here is pretty much what she’ll say (essentially – we weren’t exclusive, wanting to wait with you doesn’t mean I’m not having sex with anyone, and I broke it off before we got serious).  If you are still deciding, then I can understand using this forum as a way to sort through your feelings (we all do it!) but there is no substitute for asking her about it directly.

One point for you though.  You were seeking a women’s forum for this problem, and women have responded STRONGLY.  My hypothesis is that this is because you’ve hit a nerve that is a persistent undercurrent in our society that needs to change.  The tone of your post was something along the lines of “she pretended to be fridgid, but actually she’s a manipulative slutty bitch.  Now that I see her for what a whore she is – for not giving me what I was entitled to – I’m dumping that worthless piece of trash.”

I’m not saying that you said this or even that you thought this.  But I think a lot of the strong reaction comes from women being made to feel this way for pretty much our entire post-pubecent lives.

You wanted a female perspective…so there you go.

Post # 101
Member
2273 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Wow, just wow! I’ve only read the first page so I’m sorry if I repeat something but this is NOT ok in the slightest. I had a FWB right up until I started dating Darling Husband and as soon as we decided to meet (yes MEET we started on a dating site) I stopped seeing my FWB because it wouldn’t be fair to anyone to be carrying on… And yes if it hadn’t worked out with Darling Husband I may’ve gone back to my FWB but no way and no how would I have been sleeping with the FWB while I was working out what the deal was with Darling Husband. It is entirely disrespectful! 

And yes if this was a girl asking for advice everyone wold be telling her that her Boyfriend or Best Friend was scum and to ditch him! So I’ll say the same thing – you deserve better than this!

Post # 102
Member
4369 posts
Honey bee

@kansas_nurse:  What got me was him saying he was deceived when she told him something along the lines of “she wasn’t that kind of girl,” when the truth is, he’s not that kind of guy either! He would totally have jumped into bed with her, and admits that he is angry the other guy doesn’t have to wine and dine her. So really, he has no moral high ground about wanting to be with “that kind” of girl. Moreover, she didn’t lie. She just didn’t. There was no talk about exclusivity, and we’ve already established that he’s not “that kind of boy” where you would expect he only wants a pure and virginal girl. So, given the non-exclusivity, the newness of the relationship, and that he had no problems compunction jumping into sexual relationships, she was well within reason to believe she could be with others. And that fact doesn’t take away her ability to first get to know someone before she sleeps with them. That’s just smart.

Post # 103
Member
1780 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@MexiPino:  true….im dont disagree….they were both in the wrong….for not being open…..i just hate when i feel like an OP gets automatically bashed for what they are posting….and im still begining to think this may just be a rile up the crowd post! i just like to look at things from both sides….and i hate when 1 person is like well you never asked so i didnt tell…..it just gets out of hand and someone gets hurt….i just have very strict views on relationships and after dating for 6 months it seems odd that neither has stepped up and said hey….yes or no….i didnt bother to read through all his replies just the initial….but i still think she is somewhat at fault as is he….having read through them im just having an issue witih not questioning the authenticity of this post…..which i hate saying….but sadly i do know of sitations like this and sadly a little girl is growing up with out a daddy because of one of these, and the momma refuses paternity tests because she is not “that kind of girl” but she still had a non exclusive boyfriend with a friend on the side…and is now very insulted that both want paternity tests because no one believes a thing out of her mouth….it just gets out of hand….

Post # 104
Member
8036 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I find it a bit ridiculous to be “taking it slow” with one guy for a couple of months while boning another.

I don’t think that OP made a giant leap in assuming that they were exclusive. It’s a bit sad that we have to have that “are we exclusive?” chat these days. Isn’t considering sleeping with one guy enough?!

Even if they didn’t have the “exclusive” chat, I think she lacks manners. If I were sleeping with someone else, you bet I would let the guy I was dating know about it.. or at least stop doing it until I made my mind up. It’s just rude. I would not want someone to do that to me so I sure as hell would not be doing it to them!

Post # 105
Member
130 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

if i was in your shoes i would be upset too. i feel like if a girl came on here and wrote that she has been dating a guy for 6 months and she found out the first 2 months of the relationship he was sleeping w someone else we would all blast the guy to pieces and tell her to break up with him. 

I also hold sex to a higher value though and dont casually hook up w people or have friends with benefits. im all about only doing that in a committed monogomous relationship. you need to find out how she views sex. shes clearly okay having sex with friends as she did w the other guy and then she moved on right to you and technically since you said you never talk of exclusiveness she is ok having sex when not committed. so if you were hoping she was more of a girl who put higher standards on sex than she probably isnt the one for you.

Post # 106
Member
292 posts
Helper bee

@JustCluedIn:  I agree with a couple of the PP’s on here that had you been female, this thread would have gone in a completely different direction that would have included calling the person with the FWB an asshole etc. 

What you should probably do is try and forget everything you’ve read here because I get the impression that it has solidified that she’s a bitch in your eyes if all of the women here are defending her. Before posting here, did you consider her worthwhile enough to confront her but forgive her? If the answer is yes, then maybe it’s time to have the exclusivity talk. If the answer is no, then go ahead and dump her. 

At the end of the day, your feelings are hurt and mine would be too in that situation. A situation that I experienced like this is exactly the reason I used to have the “is this exclusive, will you be seeing other people at the same time etc” talk at the beginning of every relationship.

Just take a few minutes and think about whether you really like her or not and if it might be worth giving her a second chance. You should be giving her a second chance because you think there’s potential, NOT because “she isn’t required to tell you anything if you weren’t exclusive” bs.

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