(Closed) My Grandfather passed away and now my entire family is feuding (LONG)

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
46416 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

BakerBee16:  I am so sorry that your family is going through this. Your Grandpa may have been the one with dementia but your Grandma is also having some cognitive challenges for her to be accusing your Granpa of anything when she knew he was demented. Has anyone suggested an assessment for her?

Deaths are so traumatic for families. They sometimes bring out the worst in people who are desperate for cash like your aunt.

Please do not harbor any feelings of guilt. you and your Mom did what you had to do. If he was not responsive, he needed to be taken to ER by ambulance which is what you did.

Post # 3
160 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

BakerBee16:  First of all, I am SO sorry for your loss. I hope that you are able to find some quiet time in all this mess to sit with your happy memories of your granddad. 

It is most definitely not your fault that your grandfather passed away, and I’m so sorry you had to hear that (but I’m glad your grandma apologized). It’s absolutely okay to still be hurt like that – I know how it feels. My grandma died suddenly from non-Hodgkins lymphoma that had spread to her stomach, and we were all in shock. One family member, however, told me that it was all my fault, because the summer before, I’d apparently ‘let’ my grandmother pick up my baby sister, and that gave her a hernia which then resulted in stomach cancer (?!). Just like in your case, that’s a totally irrational thing to say, never mind mean. And while I did get an apology, I was really hurt, too. It took a lot of effort to think clearly and say, ‘that doesn’t make sense, it’s not my fault.’ 

Also, assuming that violent outbursts are entirely uncharacteristic for your grandma, it might be a good idea to have her evaluated by a doctor. Changes in personality can be an indicator that something’s wrong – could be something like age-related dementia, but might very well be a case of medication interacting or even a UTI (which I learned, while helping care for my grandparents, are super bad in the elderly). 

I am so sorry for all that’s happened. Please feel free to PM me if you need a listening ear. *hugs*

Post # 4
1222 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

BakerBee16:  Oh my goodness, I’m sorry for your loss and that you guys are going through this. 

You and your mom took your grandpa to the right place to get him help and in no way caused his passing. I’m sure it was extremely hurtful to hear that your grandma said otherwise but I also don’t know that she’s thinking clearly either. I agree she might need some professional help as her behavior seems erratic. 

In terms of your Aunt, personally I would want to file charges too. She may have a substance abuse problem if she ordered Xanax illegally. To steal money from your deceased father takes a certain kind of coldness that’s also indicative of an addict.

Hugs to you, I know none of this is easy to handle. Hang in there and take care of yourself.

Post # 6
7311 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

I have no words of advice. It’s unfortunate, but deaths can show us the worst in people. I’m sorry you are going through all of this.

Post # 7
1110 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

BakerBee16:  I don’t have any real advice to offer either, but I just wanted to give my condolences and give you a big internet hug.  Please know that taking him to the hospital was the right thing to do and I’m so sorry you’re going through this. 

Post # 8
7286 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

I think you and your mother need to extract yourselves from the whole situation. Whoever is the executor of the estate should be the one dealing with your aunt and her fraudulent use of your grandfather’s social security debit card.  Explain to your grandmother that her allegations against you and your mother are driving a wedge between the family and ask that she address any concerns with your actions in the days before your grandfather’s death directly with you rather than with the grapevine, and ask any family members who are spreading the gossip to please respect that there are two sides to every story, and that they should not be spreading rumors.

Then step out of it.

The death of a loved one can cause people to act erratically, and can definitely bring out the worst in some people. You are not going to be able to stop that situation. Almost every family has gone through it at some time or another, and it’s a story that is as old as time.  All you can do is remove yourself as far as possible from the situation so you don’t get caught up in the fallout.

Post # 9
2616 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

BIG HUGS TO YOU AND YOUR MOM.  i would say for your entire family but they seem so cold a hug wouldnt help..<br /> if your mom is POA then i would have her file a police report for the illegally px and social security. social security needs to be notified of the death asap too so they can stop all payments to the card and there wont beany way aunt can steal from them. grandma needs to stop enabling her daughter and start pressing charges.

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