- 5 years ago
- Wedding: November 2013
I don’t post on here much, but I do lurk. I am not looking to garner any sympathy from anyone or anything of that nature, I am just sad and feel like I need to get this out. I don’t have many close friends, and I’ve actually got a class that is about to start in 17 minutes (FI is also still at work =(), so I’ll make it brief..
My grandfather is supposed to walk me down the aisle. Well, not so much walk me the entire way as hand me off to Fiance. My grandfather had hip and knee replacement surgery, so we agreed to have my little brother escort me most of the distance and then let my grandfather escort me up the steps to my Fiance. My father is not in the picture (abusive, alcoholic, etc), and I am extremely close to my grandfather. He is my only living grandparent. I call him at least once a week on my way home from work to chew the rag, check how he is doing, update him on my schooling, and listen to him complain about the weather and how he broke his computer this time…
Back around Christmas/New Years, he was diagnosed with Non-hodgkin lymphoma and has been doing chemo. Given that he’s 82, he has done extremely well. Finally lost some weight (he was a chubby fellow) that his doctor had been trying to get him to lose, kept most of his hair, didn’t get sick, didn’t really have any adverse effects…he even did PT for his knee and hip during it! The nurses were all amazed!
He finished up back in June and went home to NC (he was staying in DE with an aunt who was taking care of him) to take care of some things. He came back up to get some tests done last week and today he found out (PET scan? PEP scan? Not sure) that the lymphoma is still in his neck.
He is too old to do radiation and they have already done chemo. He has also ruled out some treatments because of his chemo thus far…so they’re sending him to an expert for a second opinion and some alternatives, I guess. He told me that he may not get his tux after all and that we’ll have to see how he does.
I am so sad. I love my granddad so much. I have always told him he has to be the one to walk me. He has to stay alive (before the cancer, obviously…) and that he’s as tough as the cockroaches and would survive nukes.
We are planning to have a memorial table for our grandparents – FI’s grandmother passed on Memorial Day of 2012 and I lost my grandmom (granddad’s wife) in November of 2011. My cousin is getting married three weeks before I am, and apart from my MUCH older cousins (like…10 years older than us, married, and with children), we’re the oldest of the younger group (It’s hard to describe..there are about 12 of us. My grandparents were very good Catholics – had 7 kids, lol!) to get married and I want my granddad to be around. My grandmom only got to see two of the grandkids get married. Out of 12. 🙁 At least she lived to see them, though, and her great-grandkids.
I just don’t want to have to add my granddad to that table. It means everything to me for him to be there and dance with me, even if he’s in a wheelchair and I just hold his hands. I am so afraid he will get very sick or go downhill or die…and of course I don’t expect nor want him to exert himself if he is very sick.
I am just very sad. And I had to share with someone..Thanks for listening!