Post # 1
I’m so upset 🙁 I always wanted to elope first off. My FI vetoed that idea, so I wanted a smallish black tie wedding of around 50 people. Doing the preliminary guest list we realized 50 was impossible, so we made it out to about 80. Went over it again today, realized we missed a whole bunch of people, we now have a whopping 140 people, and these are still preliminary guest lists!!!! It doesnt include some of my FI parents friends 🙁 This makes my dream black tie wedding (I had already gotten prices from all the vendors and had wiggle room) of 15k go to almost 23k. Is it too horrible that I want some of these people not to come??? Honestly, I just want to elope!!!
Post # 3
@minipenguin: Your growing guest list sounds just like ours back in the day! 🙁 Hugs to you. Are these people all necessary invites? It sounds like there’s a better compromise there somewhere – maybe you guys should sit down and whittle down the list because to go from 50 to 140 and still not be done is pretty drastic! What’s most important that you stay true to you and what you’d like for your wedding day, afterall! 🙂
Post # 4
Is it possible to cut down to only immediate family? If you’re already stressing now the future does not look fun.
Post # 5
Hah, I wanted to elope too but I know my FI’s family would have been crushed. So the plan is a black tie wedding with around 50 people, how funny that our plans were/are so similar! It has been hard keeping our guestlist low, but we came to terms that we’d just have to keep it to our very closest friends and immediate/closest family. Most people have been very understanding that we want a small wedding and I don’t feel that anyone has really been offended. I want a small wedding because I want it to be intimate and to include the most important people in our lives. I would go through your list and use that type of requirement to narrow it down. We didn’t invite anyone that we don’t see, or at least talk to, on a regular basis. This even includes not inviting aunts and uncles that maybe we just aren’t close to and haven’t seen in a few years.
Post # 6
i wanted a smaller wedding with 80-100 guests. FI said he had too many people he HAD to invite.
our guest list is 137, i hope at least 10 say no if not more.
Post # 7
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
It sounds like you need to scale down the list. We chose to have a small, high-end wedding. Our cut-off was immediate family (none of my 9 aunts/uncles, none of my 30+ first cousins, etc.) and friends that we hang out with on a regular basis (or would hang out with if they lived in the same state). That really helped us narrow down the list to our nearest and dearest.
Post # 8
This sounds like us, lol! Putting together the guest list made me want to elope. It was so frustrating. We somehow cut our list down from 140 to 100.
Post # 9
Thanks guys 🙂 I feel better now, yesterday I was crunching numbers and I freaked out a little bit because those extra 8k are almost our entire honeymoon budget! Unfortunately, those ARE close family and friends. Close family is 60 of those invites, I think maybe 18 might not come since it is out of town for them and they have small children or money is tight, which I completely understand. The others, the problem is that apparently my FI and I are just ridiculously sociable (read my FI is the friendliest man on the face of this Earth, put to shame only by my dad) hahaha honestly, when I told my best guy friend my original guest list he laughed in my face, and predicted the future, he told me my guest list would triple, he was right. There are about 20 out of town guests on his side, hopefully some will RSVP no (I feel terrible hoping for this since they are FI childhood best friends and wonderful people but still, its a lot of money!). There are about 10 guests that could be cut, so it isn’t the end of the world. I’m hoping for about 100.
We actually had a little situation with FMIL yesterday after I wrote this. She isn’t contributing to the wedding at all, and I mean AT ALL, my traditional parents are giving us 15k and FI is contributing 10k, but that is supposed to be the honeymoon. She decided to announce to FI that she was bringing 15 guests, people FI and I dont even know! At $170 a head that is NOT acceptable, when we told her, her answer was and I quote:”too bad, I already invited them, and you are trying to manipulate me by not letting me bring guests!” WTH????? FI simply told her that we wanted to keep it to close family and friends, and if they were very important to her she could pay for them but she could bring up to 10 guests due to space constraints not 15 and she should have asked us first before inviting these people. That went down about as well as force feeding a cat castor oil. I am expecting a phonecall today over this.
It will all work out, I just panicked yesterday!
Post # 10
@minipenguin: Keep us posted! I’m glad you’re feeling better today!
Post # 11
@minipenguin: it’s not horrible. when it comes to the guest list, you have to be picky if you want to keep it small. i originally wanted a small wedding of 50 and after counting my aunts and uncles (mandatory guests), we were up to 32 people already so i had to increase the number.
we made a list of “absolute, hands down, must be invited” guests and came up with about 80-90 people. we’re hoping to settle at 70-75.
we went out to dinner with a couple who is getting married one month after us and they are inviting 230 people. they opened it up to their entire family and the people who expected to be invited. the bride’s parents are inviting 50 people of their own that the bride never met.
so there you have it. two very different perspectives. you can have a smallish intimate wedding that requires you to explain yourself every so often (i had to tell an aunt that my 2nd cousin wasn’t invited because we wanted to keep it small and intimate inviting our closest family, friends, and people closest too us at this point in our lives) or you can just invite everybody without setting up a real criteria.
the latter takes discipline.
Post # 12
@snd485: I will cut this list down somehow. I am a firm believer in quality over quantity like
@lovekiss: said. I would much rather have 90 guests and treat them like kings, my FI on the other hand doesn’t get the point of a fancy wedding and would much prefer a big wedding with all his loved ones. His guests list has 25 people mine doesn’t lol Bothof our lists will go down. Needless to say there is no B list hahaha
Post # 13
@minipenguin: i just read your last update regarding fmil’s friends. i was just going to ask why they would be necessary to attend. (only if she was contributing – which she is not). how can she invite them? it’s not her wedding. only hosts or guests of honour are allowed to invite people to a function.
i think you need to stick to your guns on this and invite only who you want to invite. like you said, at $170/head, i’d only want close friends and family.
Post # 14
@minipenguin: Have you considered scaling back on aspects of the wedding itself, bringing down the per person costs, in order to have all those who are close to you there? It’s just one way of doing things, but some say that you shouldn’t cut people from your wedding in favor of the “stuff”. Make your budget fit your crowd, you know? Years from now, the details will fade, but you will have memories of who was there and moments you shared with them. I’m only sharing this because this approach didn’t occur to me right away.
Post # 15
@mypinkshoes: My FMIL is an increidbly sweet and kind woman. She is also incredibly selfish and egocentric, she apparently assumed she could invite who she wanted because it was her eldest son’s wedding. Not going to happen. She is also going through a messy divorce (she is the cause of the mess btw) and lawyers are expensive, I dont think she has 2k laying around that she wouldnt rather spend on herself. The problem is that now she has to back down and uninvite these people. Honestly what I dont get is how she gets inviting people EIGHTEEN months before the wedding! We havent even told most of OUR guests who we’re inviting, this was just for a number to give to the vendors!
Post # 16
@minipenguin: I say try to convince your FI to elope. Maybe he’ll come around. Most of the time they don’t really want a wedding either, they just don’t want you to look back and regret it because (according to society) EVERY woman dreams about a big wedding.
ETA: Or maybe you can just do parents and siblings…or if your family is small enough to include first cousins. I wanted to elope, actually we both did but we felt is was important to include his children so we had an intimate ceremony with parents and siblings (7 guests) and that was the perfect compromise.