- 5 years ago
- Wedding: November 2011
It has been almost a month since my husband left me. My healing journey is starting, but it is a very tough path. I can’t say too much on here, as XH (I can’t believe that I am already calling him that) knows that I am addicted to the Bee. But I do feel I can share my feelings and my healing.
There are alot of days when I am down, but the tide is very gradually shifting. I am not crying so much, and can see what needs to be done. I am returning to college this month, but am afraid to. See, XH and I lived off campus. We didn’t want the college lifestyle. My classes, as an MBA student, are in two locations, an hour apart from each other. The town we live in is halfway between. Focusing on being newleyweds, I didn’t take the time to make any friends out there. So, I am going back, by myself, and feel that I will be all alone. I do have a church to go to, and will be in class four days a week, which is great. But I have no job, so other than class and church, I will lack any social involvement. And that scares me – will I be able to conquer the dark, dreary hours of being alone?
I am looking at volunteering to fill the time, and have a gym membership. Though, it is a tiny country town and a tiny gym, and there is rarely anyone else at the gym. No classes, either. I am trying to find ways to avoid becoming the wierd single lady. No cats per the lease, so I’m safe there. But I just bought three plants.
I have been depressed before, and think that the enormous potential for depression is what scares me the most. I don’t want to be depressed – I want to get through college, and have friends supporting me, and be happy again.
My whole life, I have been a planner. Some would say a crazy, type A, OCD obsessed planner. Maybe that’s why I’m an accountant. So, whenever tides turn against me, I never seem to look back and say “what happened” but I always look forward and say “what can come”. I just wish my bank account could support my dreams sometimes.
I graduate in August with my MBA. I’ve lived in two states my whole life, and feel that I’ve never seen America. So my dream right now is to get a job somewhere outside of the northeast. Anywhere except NY, Chicago, or LA (or similar big big cities) and in any field that has to do with accounting, tax, audit or insurance. Should be easy, right? Wrong. My bast always seems to jump up and bite me – I have no reference from my last job, and my credit is lower than Hades. Working on that now though.
One last thing that is bothering me right now. I searched on Google today to find some sort of a self help book to deal with a broken heart during divorce. What came up was not what I expected. The results were all (or all seemed to be) about divorced people being damaged goods, and alot of people saying that they refuse to marry anyone divorced. I feel as if I have two huge red Xs on my forehead. My first husband committed a string of felonies a few months after we were married. We only got divorced because annulment wasn’t allowed. And now, I fell in love with a wonderful man who turned out to be abusive and wanted to run back home to what he said was a more loving home. So, I really feel as if I have no hope for the future, no chance of ever having someone love me again. And that sucks.