Thank you all for your kind words. Today was a very hard day.
Today I had the chance to say goodbye to him. He is being cremated this afternoon and then I will be taking his ashes to the church on Saturday for a mass in his honor. I cried today, begged him to take me with him, laughed telling his stories about the funny times. I love him so much and my heart aches as I write this but I hope that he is watching over me. I wrote him a letter that is being cremated with him. I think I apologized for evrything I possibly could have, told him I loved him, asked him to come back, asked for an answer. He has a tattoo on his forearm that reads “I am right here with you” he got it after a year of us dating. He always said he would protect me. Oh how I love that man! How beautiful his heart is, how sweet how big I wish i could put it in words but I can’t.
No marriage or relationship is perfect, so I do sit there and wonder if he was truly happy. That’s what breaks my heart even more. I know that now he is at peace and he no longer has any of his demons but I feel like I will always wonder. Was he truly happy? Because he made me the happiest woman on earth even though we had our ups and downs he gave my life meaning. He still does. He always will. I hope he’s always going to look over me, and guide me in the right direction. And most of all I hope that he was happy.
Saturday I will be taking his ashes to church. After that his parents have requested to take the ashes and fly them to Poland. We were both born in Poland but grew up here. I think that’s what bothers me. I want him here with me. When we met with the priest and church people today they pulled me to the side and asked me what is it that I truly want. I want a piece of him with me, always. I want his ashes, he is my husband is doesn’t matter if it’s been six months but we spent almost 4 beautiful years together. Our love story lives in my heart, my memories our first kiss, the first time we spoke. We have not been in touch with his parents for over 2 years, maybe a few conversations with his dad here and there but nothing really serious. And now they want absolute control. I feel like he is up there in heaven screaming at me to stand up for myself. That I need to do what I feel is right. We shared this life, we were a team we did everything together. Oh, how much I love him no one will ever understand. He is my life, my happiness.
So now I have asked to split his ashes and have a pendant made with his hair, that way I can carry his with me everywhere I go. I will be keeping a part of his ashes and then plan on having a small ceremony to lay him to rest. He needs to be close to me, I can’t have him all the way in Poland, we never planned on going back, that was never the plan. I just wish I could speak to him one last time, to make sure that he was happy, to have some questions answered. I miss him so much, not his texts or calls him, his laugh his smile, his lips, his hands, his tattoos, his hair.. I miss all of him, even his stupid rude jokes and how he use to “make funnies”.. Oh I miss him.
I don’t know why I keep writing, maybe it helps in a way. Maybe this is just another part of grieving.
My love, wherever life takes me, I will have you there with me. You told me right before you passed that you are proud of me and know I can do this, even though I am in absolute doubt at the moment, I will love this life for the both of us for as long as I can. And I will see you soon, I wish I could go with you, oh how I wish I was there with you. I would give anything to just have you by my side. You are the love of my life, the reason for my existence you showed me and taught me things that I never knew were possible and you were taken from me too soon. I love you Kochanie. And I will spend the next few years being the crazy lady talking to herself in her car as I drive because I will be talking to you. I love you sweetheart, my sunshine, Sloneczko moje.. Always&afore we infinity and beyond, there is no limits to my love for you.