(Closed) My Heart is Breaking.

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
458 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Wow!  I’m so sorry!  Is there anyone else you can talk to in order to confirm his whereabouts?  I think one of the bigger questions is though, do you trust him?  Do you believe that he’s telling the truth?  Because if not, maybe you two should take a step back and re-examine.  This girl sounds pretty cruel.  I’m sorry she’s being such a witch to you.

Post # 4
Member
5 posts
Newbee

i would be concerned about the other guy "not having seen him in months" when your fiance said he was with him. when it comes to things like this, i feel like there is truth in something everyone is saying. if you don’t trust your fiance, you need to make some very important decisions.

Post # 5
Member
792 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Wow, just wow. I am so sorry. This is a terrible situation. I second everything bridetobee said, do you trust him? Has he been acting weird lately? What are your instincts telling you? When someone cheats usually there are signs, you just need to notice them. It’s strange that his one friend said he hadn’t seen him in months. Until you figure out what’s going on I would put ALL wedding plans on hold. You two may need some counseling as well. You must get to the bottom of this and you need to find a way to get this horrible toxic cousin out of your life. I need to run to work but I’m going to think some more about this… I am truly appalled and disgusted. I am so, so sorry. Nobody deserves to be treated and talked to like that.

Post # 6
Member
1455 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I agree with Maganda286 that there is probably some truth in everything. Maybe he wasn’t with his friends, but doing something not as bad, but still didn’t want you to know about, and J knew that and took it and ran with it. There are SO many things that could be going on. I agree about counseling or maybe just get these characters all together and let them hash it out themselves so you can see what’s true.

Post # 7
Member
241 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2009 - University of Michigan Union

Oh no, this is a horrible situation! As far as the cousin, my sister’s ex fiance (my sister is a lesbian) terrorized me behind my sister’s back, and very publicly on her wedding planning blog. She even left nasty comments on my blog here! I did not like her and did not trust her character, and eventually it all came out and my sister ended their engagement. Just wanted to tell you that I know how it feels when a future family member spreads things about you in the internet!

As far as the possible cheating situation, I agree with the advice given above… I am so sorry that you are going through this!!! 🙁 

 

Post # 8
Member
124 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Ugh, I’m so sorry to hear about this. That is just awful that J is trying to ruin your relationship! If I were in your shoes, I would first make sure that J doesn’t know how I’m feeling–she seems like the type who wants a reaction out of you so for now, don’t focus on her. Focus on your relationship with your Fiance and whether or not you really trust him. I do have a question though, how has your Fiance been handling this mess with J? Does he stick up for you, has he confronted her about her behavior, or even talked to her parents? It just seems a little off that he would allow this to go so far. Good luck! *hugs*

Post # 9
Member
6009 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

Oh, bridezilla, I am so sorry.  I feel so terrible for you right now; what a horrible thing to have to deal with only a few months before your wedding.  It sounds like, from your post, you might see a little validity in the other woman’s claims.  And the fact that one of your Fi’s friends said he hadn’t seen him in months is a huge red flag to me.  If he had been out with that firend, wouldn’t his buddy have said so?

Honestly, my advice is to stop and just freeze things for the moment.  Don’t do anything else with the wedding; the relationship needs to be the focus right now.  Maybe you could move back in with your parents for a little while because it is going to be really hard to think things through rationally if you are with him 24/7, sleeping in the same bed, and worrying about non-essentials like household chores.

If he continues to deny everything, I think you need to do a little investigating.  I wouldn’t ask J or the other woman for more information; they don’t seem very trustworthy.  I would ask your Fi’s friend who said he wasn’t with your Fi that night.  Do your Fi’s friends have girlfriends, wives, sisters?  I would ask them for help, too, because they might confide in them instead of telling you what really happened. 

I’m a big believer that affairs aren’t necessarily a deal-breaker for all relationships, but your Fi absolutely needs to know that recovering from this situation is a pretty big process.  Even if he had nothing to do with this woman, and everything J and she are saying is lies, it’s still bound to take away some of your trust in the relationship and in your Fi.  It goes without saying that if their claims are true it’s going to be even harder to get over.  You’ve said before that he is not really interested in counseling, but I honestly think you have to push the issue.  If there was an affair, a counselor will be able to help you evaluate the situation and decide to stay or go; if there wasn’t an affair, the counselor will be able to give you some tools for dealing with J so you can protect your marriage.

Whatever happens, honey, we’re all here for you.  I’m definitely keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.  Stay strong and listen to your instincts.  You’ll make the right decision. 

Post # 11
Member
235 posts
Helper bee

Hi Bridezilla,

((Biiiiig Hugs))  I’m so sorry you’re going through this so close to your wedding day.  I can undertand how you’re feeling because I’ve been in a similar situation before…  I’ve learned that when you feel something is wrong, in your gut, you have to trust those instincts.  No matter how close it is to your wedding day, you should step out of the wedding planning mode and take time to yourself to look at the situation objectively.  Things that are issues only get worse if they follow into the marriage unresolved.  I agree with the others who are urging you to do a little more investigation, but at this point in the relationship, you’d hope that you know him better than for him to lie to you and you have to search for the truth.  I think that you two should have a heart-to-heart and unaccusingly ask him if there’s anything he wants to share with you or if he has any fears… and let him know that you’re very open-minded to whatever he has to say. You never know what might come out of that, then you can avoid he-said/she-said drama.  Stay strong and I hope you get to the bottom of this.  Please keep us posted.
Take Care! 

Post # 12
Member
159 posts
Blushing bee

looks like you’ve gotten some good advice.  good luck!

Post # 13
Member
2271 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Oh dear, I am truly sorry for your situation. How horrible of FI’s cousin – some people are just plain nasty and apparently have nothing better to do with their time but cause trouble.

But the real problem is that there is doubt in your mind. Like a previous poster – what are your instincts telling you?

With my ex – he started going out with his boys – at first once a week, then twice, until it was almost every nite and my instincts were telling me something was going on. Ex swore up and down he was just going out to drink with his buddies and listen to bands. Then I started getting calls for him from a female friend and when he would walk outside to talk to her, I KNEW what was up and then finally I caught them. To make matters worse, it took me over a year to get the bastard out of my house – apparently he thought I should continue to pay all the bills while he ran around with his skanky girlfriend.

NOW, I am NOT saying your Fiance is cheating! But do listen to your instincts. You should not be getting married if you have serious doubts. As heartbreaking as things may be – take it from someone who has gone through two divorces because of cheating – the heartache of divorce is far worse.

Post # 14
Member
1765 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I wish I knew what to say, but *hive hugs* and be strong! Listen to your instincts and try to go to couples counseling. I do wonder though does he know how his cousin treats you? He just lets her get away with it?

I would have a serious talk with him, ASAP.

Post # 16
Member
1765 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

It sounds like he is really serious about being with them, but only you can know. I can understand why you’d have doubts though, looking at your families’ history–that can be scary! (My parents are together, but my dad’s dad was quite the ladies man, and my dad never wanted to be anything like that!)

I wish you the best of luck figuring out what is best for you!

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