(Closed) My heart is breaking while trying to wait.

posted 6 years ago in TTC
Post # 3
Member
2400 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@want2beeamom:  I was in the same boat as you. I have said some pretty mean things to my Darling Husband because he has not wanted to start trying. Honestly almost got a anulment because of this. I finally just broke down to him and he came to the realization that this is what I want and we are a team. You will never be financially ready for a baby, even people with lots and lots of money don’t have all the money for a baby. Unfortunatly there is no way of showing him you won’t forget him when the baby comes. Try to have serious talks and tell him it is hurting you inside. I’m sorry your going through this I know it is tough.

Post # 4
Member
2400 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@want2beeamom:  Also you need to ask yourself…are you willing to wait ten years? What if ten years comes and he doesn’t want to? You need to come to terms that you might not have any kids if you choose to stay.

P.S. Not trying to put things in your head. This is just what I went through and did.

Post # 5
Member
1660 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@figgnewton:  I am rushing out the door right now, but I will try to remember to come back and respond to you. I was in a similar situation, where I wanted desperately to start trying and my Darling Husband was not ready. He could not really articulate a reason, other than being scared of change. The only difference with our situation was that that we had not been married long (but had been together for 5 years) and were older, 33. I know how hard it is when you want something so badly and your SO isn’t on board. The end of my story is that eventually my Darling Husband agreed to start trying, even though I don’t know if he was quite ready, because he knew how much it meant to me. We got pregnant right away, had a miscarriage, and then got pregnant again very soon. The miscarriage helped my Darling Husband realize that he was ready to be a dad, but he hasn’t been as supportive during this pregnancy as I would have liked… I don’t know if that was because he wasn’t quite ready or if that’s how he’d be no matter what (he has an anxiety disorder and some other problems, so he is a little self-absorbed due to those issues)… our baby girl is due in 3 weeks, so I’ll let you know how he does once she gets here!

ETA: I found one of my earlier posts about this: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/should-i-push-hubby-to-ttc-or-just-wait

Post # 6
Member
3638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

@want2beeamom:  Firstly *hugs*. Remember that you have a wonderful husband who loves you and does want to raise children with you, he is just scared.

I haven’t been in your situation, BUT this is my advice. 

You know how some men can start to feel like all their girlfriend wants is a ring and a wedding and they don’t care about actually marring them? It sounds like your husband is feeling like he is just a means to an end. He is just a way for you to have a baby and be a mum.

I think you need to try and let the conversation lie for a little while, just so that he can have some space and feel like he can breathe.

Then, when you start to bring it up again, make sure you talk about how you can’t wait to see him hold his first child. How you are so excited to see him push the swing and teach them to ride a bike. How you know he’ll make an amazing dad. How you can’t wait to have him in the labour room, supporting you and being excited about the birth of his child. 

My guess (and this is just a guess) is that you’ve been saying that “I want to try for a baby” “I want to be pregnant” “I can’t wait until I’m a mum”. Which are not bad things to say! But he may be feeling very left out. 

Also remember to look at this practically. Ask him how much he would like to have saved before having a baby, and why. Ask him what he’d like to have achieved before having children and work out a timeline for it. 

Then start talking about how you’ll have to find a babysitter/ask your mother/ask your sister (whichever) so that the two of you can go on date nights together, alone, without baby. Talk about how when they are older and can sleep over at someone’s house that you can take little trips together to rekindle the relationship.

Talk about how, to you, the most important thing that you can teach your child is how to have a good relationship and a good marriage and that you can’t wait to set that example with him. 

He’s probably really, really scared. You need to let him know that you are too, but that overall you are excited, not to be a mum, but to be a family.

 

Post # 7
Member
2450 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

you feel like you are breaking, so let yourself break. let him see what this is doing to you. stop pretending, stop acting, stop hiding. there’s no way you can make him understand your feelings with words… but he might understand what he sees.

 

Post # 8
Member
869 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I’m sorry you are going through this, its not easy.  I was in the same exact situation with my ex-husband.  He always had an excuse to wait..more money, bigger home, etc…  We had so many discussions about it until I cried and cried.  Ultimately it was one of the reasons why our marriage did not work out.  I refused to sacrifice what I wanted.

Please consider talking to a professional.  Maybe in therapy he’ll be able to answer all they why’s and the why not’s.  If you need to have a meltdown, do it.

Hugs to you and I hope you work it out.

Post # 9
Member
485 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I agree with Tickles.  Can you have him set more “concrete” goals?  In his world…. he is never going to accomplish anything because “we need more money” is not a ‘reachable’ goal.

Really sit down with him and talk about specific things he wants to achieve or have in place before having children.  Then work backwards so you have both minor milestones and major milestones that you can “check off” as you reach your goals.

 

As far as you forgetting about him…. that is very common.  I can tell you it led to the break up of my marriage.  My husband could not TAKE the difference in shift in our relationship. Again… you have to get him to be concrete with you….. otherwise his “fear” that you will forget about him will be so abstract that even if you AREN’T he may feel as though you are.  So talk about what you want your marriage to be like once you have children and then set in place some things to accomplish.

For example….. he may say that he wants to have one date night per week.  That is both a financial goal as well as a time management goal.  So, figure out the cost of a sitter + dinner + activity and then start a “date night fund”.  Additionally, you need to set some goals so that you have a reliable sitter that you trust as well as a backup in case something comes up.  This will show him that you are taking his “fears” seriously.

 

Also….. your Darling Husband is 28 and you said he ideally would want to wait 10 years.  Talk him through what waiting until he is almost 40 to have his first child really MEANS.  Do-able yes….. but he will be 50 when his kid starts football.  56 when they start to drive.  almost 60 at their high school graduation.  Then go FIND some people that age and say “you would be that age at this milestone”.  How old are his parents now?  if he’s 40 when he has his first, he will be almost 70 when his kid is his age now. 

I can tell you this….. I was 29 when my daughter was born and I was tired then!!!!!  I am 41 and freaking exhuasted.  My Fi and I were discussion TTC and we actually just dealt with an ectopic pregnancy.  But it really struck me how much OLDER I am.  God love an older mom…. my sister just had her 1st at 38, but I can’t imagine just STARTING to go through all the sleepless nights and diaper changes and staying at home with sick kids at this age.  It made me really appreciate how indpenedent my 12 year old is.

 

One last note…. just as you look at waiting bees and know that they would be in a MUCH better position if they weren’t so consumed with waiting…. the same can be said for women who are either waititng to TTC or actively TTC….. You need to have something else so that is not your #1 focus.  Your kids CAN’T be your ENTIRE life.  You have to have other passions.  If it’s not your job…. well, are you in the right career?  Do you have hobbies?  Do you have girlfriends?  Make sure that you will be adding a child TO a full life.  Not having a child to fulfill your life.

 

Good Luck!

Post # 10
Member
1430 posts
Bumble bee

I felt ready to try for babies sooner than my Darling Husband. But we ended up agreeing on a new timeline which we both were ok with and having a month to look forward to made the waiting easier. But his 10 years is a little ridiculous. And most likely not true.. if he does in fact want to be a dad I really doubt that desire wouldn’t surface much sooner. 

I think it is a positive thing that you got to the root of his fear though. I believe my Darling Husband has a similar fear in some ways. I think the best way is to reassure him what you would want your marriage to be like after kids.  Date nights, weekends away, kids in bed at a certain time, ect. Atleast so he knows you are still looking forward to being a WIFE too, not just a mommy.

My only other advise is to look up the thread on here for waiting TTCers about a Pre-TTC bucket list. Make a list with your hubby of things you would like to do before trying so you can have other things to think about.  For your own good you really need to try and enjoy life right now if your husband just isn’t ready. Maybe if you start having more fun together and not being so consumed with being a mom he won’t see the topic as being so scary. It is kind of like the waiting bees who are waiting for a ring freaking out and scaring their BF off and as soon as they relax a little their Boyfriend or Best Friend proposes:) I know my husband was way more open to talking about getting engaged, and then babies once married when I was calm and mello verses the times I was a emotional crying girl. But I do feel for you, we are just starting the TTC process and know that once that feeling is in your heart that thats what you want it is difficult to think of anything else. Hang in there!

Post # 11
Member
3638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

@3xaCharm:  This is all fantastic advice, especially about how old he will be when certain milestones in the child’s life are reached. 

But make sure you talk about all if this in a calm, open way. Don’t make him feel silly for any of the fears which he has (I’m sure you won’t, but just be mindful that it can happen accidently). 

Planning your future and your children should be fun!

 

Post # 12
Member
313 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2005

You will never be financially ready to have a child, it’s just not possible, however his attitude has to change before you can really try to have one.  You are still very young, I had my first child at the age of 31 when my biological clock smashed me in the face with the force of a freight train.  My husband wasn’t exactly ‘ready’ per say but once he held her he has been there constantly to help and loves her more then anything, it honestly brings happy tears to my eyes.  Your husband has to grow up a little and stop with the ‘me me me’ attitude, it can effect the family and relationship and worse of all break a trust that he’ll take care of the baby when it eventually comes.

Post # 13
Member
4657 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

My husband was scared when i first went off BCP (8 months ago) because it was such a huge step. But now, 9 months later, we are still not pregnant, and it has made him realize how much more he wants it after we haven’t been able to conceive yet.

I understnad your husband’s fear about being forgotten once the baby comes. I fear that myself, but in the way that I fear I won’t have enough time for my husband and won’t be able to give him as much attention as before. A baby is EXHAUSTING and frustrating at times and I am concerned that I won’t have the energy to be a mom and a good wife at the same time.

How do you think he would react if you got pregnant by accident? Would he be livid?

Post # 14
Member
8041 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@want2beeamom:  I would be careful that you don’t drive him away. Is 3 years so bad? Are there not some things you want to accomplish before you have a baby?

I get that it is hard to wait for something you want so bad, but if you keep pushing, you will drive your husband away, and you will likely have to wait even longer to TTC because you’ll be going through a divorce and starting back at square one.

I’m just being realistic here. You’re both still very young. When you’re married, you have to compromise on some things. It takes two to become parents. If you completely disregard his wishes, then he will resent you.

 

Post # 15
Member
250 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

A friend of mine told me that when she was pregnant with her first child, her husband went to a session/class/workshop at the hospital specially for Dads and soon-to-be dads.  He said that it was extremely insightful about what to expect and it was really great to be in a room and talk about the guy’s perspective with other guys.  Pregnancy and childrearing mostly circulate around the mom, and we forget that it would be helpful to them AND to us, if they got a little coaching too. 

I’m not sure if there is anything like this in your area, but it might be good for him.  If for nothing else, than to get to the bottom of why he’s so adamant about this, and to be able to work through it.  Good luck!

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