(Closed) my heart is hurting. please help fellow bee

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
4031 posts
Honey bee

@lostheart165:  Honestly, I am a little confused. Is he blaming you for what happened or for hiding it? I understand that the situation is difficult to handle, but I do not understand why he cannot move past it. If anything, this should be much harder for you to move past it.

I do not understand why he is “jealous” for having to share you. All of this happened before you were together and in an abusive relationship.

I do feel terrible about you are going through, but I do not understand why he cannot support you emotionally and physically 100% when this is something you have been struggling with for so long.

Also, how old are you two? Perhaps he is not ready to get married (regardless of the pressure from everyone) because of age, finances, personal readiness, etc, or any other reason, other than this situation.

Post # 5
4031 posts
Honey bee

@lostheart165:  You have no reason to feel ashamed. I don’t think it is healthy to be with someone who is essentially putting blame on the victim of a situation. I understand that it is hard for him, but to say some of the things he has said and to behave this way is a little troubling. As much as it may hurt now, you may really want to reconsider your relatoinship and your future with him.

Is this relationship really healthy for you? Is this what you want from a partner or husband?

Post # 6
734 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@bmo88:  I wonder that too… if this is really a healthy relationship.

I completely understand why you hid it. It isn’t in any way a betrayal to your boyfriend though, and he’s kind of being immature about it.

1. You were in an abusive relationship

2. This all happened before you were with your boyfriend.

I really don’t understand his reaction, I really don’t. I think its inapprpriate considering what happened to you, and I’m very sorry. That is not only embarrassing but scarring. Your boyfriend should be more sympathetic…

Post # 8
7673 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

The police should be able to get your photos removed from those websites, at least if they are hosted in any western country. They are illegal in most countries.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Please remember you were underage and taken advantage of, and it’s not your fault.

Post # 9
1066 posts
Bumble bee

You were 15/16 years old!!! The concern with me comes from your comment about his family and church pressurizing him not to take the next step with you. You are not a bad person, and they shouldn’t treat you as such.You made a mistake! This is between you and your man, and if he doesn’t have the guts to defend you to his family and church then how can you both make this work? It is bad enough you have to re-live this horror. He should be supporting you,holding your hand, loving you,not making you feel worthless. He obviously loves you, but from your comments seems conflicted. He needs to stop visiting the pictures, and forgive you, and if he can’t,then he doesn’t deserve you. I agree with getting the police to remove the images.

Post # 10
2515 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

@bmo88:  +1

@YogaFaerie:  +1

OP- honestly, i don’t think he has the right to feel the way he’s feeling. it seems that he doesn’t understand what an abusive relationship is and what you went through nor does he want to understand. he’s being a jerk. 

Post # 12
1066 posts
Bumble bee

@lostheart165:  Maybe he is starting to judge you by your past behaviour which is unfair.Whether this is him,his church,or family.You need to reassure him that you are still the woman he loved,and that you just made a mistake,because you were young.HUGZ

Post # 15
1625 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@lostheart165:  I think you might want to talk this over with a clergymember…it sounds like you two are religious and this is where the purity issues are arising from.  Go talk to a pastor/priest/whoever alone first and explain the situation (get his feedback–my guess is he will say you were a victim and want to make things right), then ask if your SO would like to speak to him alone or with you.  

Post # 16
5660 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

A guy who is basically punishing you for something like this when you were only 15 years old and being manipulated isn’t THAT amazing. You should feel no guilt about this In my opinion, and he needs to reconcile with himself that everyone has a past and has made mistakes, em including him. he’s being unfair and judging you do something which he has no right to Judge. I hope he comes around and realizes how unfair he’s being, if he’s really the kind of guy you want to spend your life with. although I wouldn’t want to spend my life with someone who doesn’t accept me, faults, history and all. 

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