(Closed) my heart is hurting. please help fellow bee

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
Member
1853 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

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@lostheart165:  SO, your bf is mad that your asshole ex boyfriend manipulated you into taking nude pictures of  your underage self and then distributed  said child porn online?

Really?

He’s mad at you?

He’s a dick. Read my sentence allowed to yourself a few times.

I can’t even imagine. If it were me, my Fiance would be hunting down that asshat with a angry mob.

That’s the kind of man I want for you-not a loser who makes you feel bad for someone exploiting you and distributing child porn on the internet like it’s your fault somehow.

 

edit: And another thing-this whole “he has to share you” thing. Really?? How the FUCK does he think you feel, knowing pedos are looking at your photos? But it makes HIM uncomfortable and angry? Fuck this guy.

Post # 33
Member
1508 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

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@YogaFaerie:  This.

You wer the victim not your Boyfriend or Best Friend and although he has the right to be upset by it, he cant blame you for it. He should be supporting you not blaming you or making you feel bad.

It sounds like you both might benefit from some therapy to learn how to deal and to see if you can work past this together.

Good luck!

Post # 34
Member
1398 posts
Bumble bee

You can’t do anything to make your bf get over this.  He has to put on his big boy pants and do it himself.  Honestly, he is continuing the drama by holding this over your head.  

Post # 35
Member
11373 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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@lostheart165:  

What was your ex in jail for since you said he didn’t get any jail/prison time for what he did to you.  Are there other crimes?

Never mind, I see other Bees were confused as well.

In any case, I think by staying with your current bf, you’re retraumatizing yourself over and over by constantly having to rehash the whole ordeal for no good reason.  He is blaming the victim, which tells me he lacks empathy.

People who lack empathy are bad, if not dangerous partners.

Post # 36
Member
983 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

As an adult, I’ve willingly taken nude pictures and videos with my ex’s and current SO for our own private purposes. even as a legal, consenting adult, distributing them online would be a huge violation of trust and privacy. however, I would not be with someone who judged me for having a life and sexual past before him. The fact that you were a minor and you were in an abusive relationship completely dissolves any ground that your SO thinks he has to stand on. He needs to understand that what happened before happened because you were being manipulated by an aubsive asshole. He needs to understand that you feel ashamed because abusers are really good at making their victims feel like the abuser’s actions and the following consequences are the victims fault. the fact that he is holding this against you is only reinforcing the notion that you did something wrong. Let me be clear here – you did absolutely nothing wrong. Nothing. He needs to understand that whatever discomfort he feels is absolutely microscopic compared to the violation you feel. Honestly, I think he is being incredibly selfish and he needs to stop thinking of it as ‘my gf’s nudes are on the internet’ and start thinking of it as ‘my gf was abused and victimized and she’s suffered a tremendous violation.’ OP, I know you love him but I’m grossed out by your BF’s behaviour. I think you should show him this thread, see a therapist to help navigate the emotions this entire ordeal is causing and invite him to participate in your sessions. He is not being amazing and kind right now but I believe he does love you. Hopefully he just needs a hand seeing this objectively and will soon realize that he’s being a total dick by blaming you for the actions of your abuser.

Post # 37
Member
1311 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

OMG…. This is bs. A true love is to accept the person for who and what they are. Accept tat the past is in the past and work on moving forward. Sound like he is using this as an excuse…. let me guess… he is in his early 20’s ? At least that’s what it sounds like. I understand that heavy religius beliefs can alter someones thinking, but in the world we live today, media accesible to young girls, provoking songs on the radio….  It’s just highly unlikely that you can get together with a person in your 20’s that has a clean history. Tell him to get off his high horse. He is not a saint.

You have done nothing wrong. If he really loves you, he will get over this.

Post # 38
Member
691 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

OP I say this with kindness, but maybe putting this online and asking strangers for help isn’t the way to go. I know it’s anonymous, but with any kind of legal situation you can’t be too careful. My advice, seek counseling to move past the trauma and consult a lawyer. It’s time to be strong. Good luck!

Post # 39
Member
2417 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

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@MissFireFlower:  +10000000

OP-You deserve someone who is willing to help you work through the trauma and get over it, not someone who continues to punish you for something that isn’t necessarily your fault.

Please, please, please go talk to a counselor about this. Contact the sites where your pictures are still up, especially since you are underage. Take a break from this guy you are dating because he sounds like a wack job. Get a restraining order against the ex.

Take time for yourself and give yourself the ok to move on with your life from this. I know that you are already hurting enough as it is and you d o not need someone constsanly telling you how much you screwed up when you were younger. We all make stupid mistakes when we were teenagers.

As far as the “sharing you” thing goes, I don’t know many people who haven’t been with just one guy and as far as I know, no one has ever said that they hate having to share them. You are committed to the current guy and that is all that should matter.

Sending hugs and good thoughts your way <33

Post # 40
Member
603 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

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@bearlove:  +1

Post # 41
Member
2902 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

From my (limited) understanding isn’t your religion based on forgiveness? He doesn’t sound very forgiving. Also, it’s absolutely not your fault. This sort of thing happens A LOT. You were young and impressionable. You should not have to apologise to anyone, least of all this man hiding behind the Church. He should be supporting you not holding this one indiscression over your head. 

 

Post # 42
Member
914 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

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@MissFireFlower:  +10000000

Seriously, how dare he make you feel like the bad guy? You are the victim here!

Post # 43
Member
2188 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2024

@MissFireFlower +a milliion!

Your Boyfriend or Best Friend is punishing you for something you did when you were a teen, it’s not like you are taking nude pics of yourself now and putting them online. He needs to either get over it FOR REAL or you need to break up with him.

@HisIrishPrincess what your grammy said is SO true, boys don’t get over things, men do because they realize there was life before them and your Boyfriend or Best Friend is obviously not a man or he would accept that this horrible thing happened to you and he’d be there for you and want to move on, instead he is punishing you for shit that happened before you were together.

Also @HisIrishPrincess your dad sounds great to just say to your mom, ok well can we get married now? love that, EVERY woman deserves a man like this and I’m happy to say I have one now Smile

Post # 44
Member
1293 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

you have lots of great advice here.. I just wanted to tell you that you are in my prayers.

 

 

Post # 45
Member
129 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Try couples counselling. It’s not your fault and he needs to understand that. 

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