(Closed) my heart is hurting. please help fellow bee

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 47
3694 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Your boyfriend is a jerk. 

You are a victim, you did nothing wrong and do not deserve to be treated like that by someone who claims to love you.  No one who loves you should make you cry like that. 

I had a one night stand before I got married – before I even started dating my husband.  Thing is… my husband still works with this guy.  But he doesn’t know who it was.  I told him I had slept with my ex and had that one night stand but didn’t name him.  Because it doesn’t matter, it’s the past.  If I told him now, he’d be a little hurt, but it wouldn’t dissolve our relationship.  He hasn’t told me all the girls he’s kissed (he was a virgin), or that he’s seen his friends topless.  But I don’t care, because he chose me.

Post # 48
917 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

He doesn’t love you, doesn’t want to marry you, doesn’t know how to split up with you, so has latched on to your past as an excuse.

He’s as big a douche as your ex.  And he’s a coward, to boot.  Kick him to the kerb and move on.  Any man worth anything will understand what happened, and put it in the proper prespective. 

Post # 49
10983 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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Post # 50
867 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

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@lostheart165:  i know that you love him. but these are not the kind of texts that would be acceptable to me if i was scared because my abusive ex was out of jail and close by. i believe that people who love you will rush to your side when you are scared. don’t you want a man who wants to protect you and comfort you? i think you need to focus on yourself and your needs which are clearly not being met. your man sounds immature about “sharing” you and he acknowledges that he is jealous. guess what? you’re not a thing to be “shared.” you are a person who deserves love and respect. i hope that you stand up for yourself. your man should be angry with your ex for mistreating you and trying every day to make you happy, not freaking out over something that happened years ago and when you were under duress.

so yeah, if i were you i’d call a friend to come hang out with you and stop texting your bf until he begs for forgiveness.

Post # 51
1458 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I hate to say it but your current BF doesn’t seem to want a relationship with you.  He’s using all of this other nonsense about your ex as a excuse. 

If he wants a future with you then I think you need to suggest counseling…both separate and as a couple.  If he isn’t willing to go to counseling then let him go.  You’ll find someone out there that really wants to be with you in good times and bad. 

Post # 52
3028 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Hope you don’t think this is a healthy relationship just because he doesn’t hit you!

IDK why, but I get the feeling something is missing here, not sure what and don’t want to make allegations but this isn’t sitting right with me on your bf’s end.  

Post # 53
1572 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

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@pookiesmom:  +1.

This is absolutely NOT something that you should be punished for. I myself have a past that I am not exactly proud of, and I can never in a million years imagine my FH judging me for it.

Your FH is judging you based on things that happened before you even met him. That is NOT OK. You shouldnt be made to feel bad about things that happened while you were much younger!

Post # 55
285 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2018


Post # 56
3060 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

You have gotten a lot of great advice on this thread.

I agree with the PPs. Your boyfriend is being a dick and he has absolutely no right to be holding this over your head. He should be supporting you and he should make an attempt to be understanding. Instead, he is sitting on a high horse and cowering behind a “religious” facade that gives him the right to judge you. It’s despicible.  

I hope you’re able to heal from this whole situation soon. I recommend counselling for closure. Good luck <3

Post # 57
926 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I agree with bearlove talking with a clergy member could be helpful. Obviously you’re not to blame for your ex’s actions, and he has no right to hold this over you. As long as your bf realizes that he shouldn’t be feeling the way he’s feeling, then maybe there’s some hope for the relationship. If you even still want the relationship after all this. If you’re going to stay in the relationship, see if there’s someone you can get counseling with to deal with this issue once and for all. If you guys do end up getting engaged at some point, please make sure to get premarital counseling to make sure all of this is behind you before saying I do. Best of luck to you, I’m so sorry you’re in this situation.

Post # 58
2267 posts
Buzzing bee

@lostheart165:  Get the pictures taken down. They are child porn since you were underage. Report them.

Post # 59
511 posts
Busy bee

He should not be punishing you for it for something you did when you were 15!!
I think that he should stick it through with you physically and emotionally, and move past it together. 

Post # 60
640 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

After reading the texts it just sounds like he doesn’t want to marry you. I’m sorry, I know that must hurt. He’s trying to be nice about it, but it sounds to me like he needs time to figure himself out and can’t figure out how to break up with you in order to do it. I know you want to fix things. I do that, too. The question you should ask is “does HE want to fix this?” Or does he only want to fix himself?

Post # 61
734 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

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@lostheart165:  A real man won’t think that your past is something to feel anything other than sympathetic about.

Believe me, there are men who have forgiven more troubled pasts than your’s. And especially since your past wasn’t exactly your choice – its not something that you would even ask a boyfriend for forgiveness for. A real man would realize that his involvement in this situation would be to console you and nothing more.


I know a woman who married a man because she had a young child and she felt that it would be hard for her to find a man who would be okay with her having a child. She felt that it would be hard to find a man who would “forgive” her past. This man was also nice to her – sometimes. But then he would do little things here and there to make her feel bad about herself (and her past… he said he didn’t know how to “deal” with it when she told him that she had been raped by a college professor and he was angry with HER for the fact that it even happened). She always questioned it though because he COULD be nice. He can’t be all bad, right?

She married him and had 3 more children. He is and was a bad alcoholic and for a while abused cocaine and would beat her. It didn’t start out that way though. At first he would nice. And then he would take that away and be mean. Then he would be nice again and since he knew that she tolerated the small amount of cruelty he gave her before, he knew that he could get away with a little more. Little bit by little bit it progressed into beating her and her children.

Now she is completely brainwashed by him and betrayed 2 of her children and they no longer speak to her or her husband. One of her other kids only talks to her twice a year and visits because he feels obligated. And the last is a clone (but ten times worse) of her husband who is also abusive to her. She is nothing but a shell of a woman and a puppet for her husband and youngest daughter.

And unless she finds a way to change, she won’t be seeing any of her grandchildren. Its my FI’s mom and if we ever have kids she won’t be seeing them and obviously neither will his dad. She already has grandchildren from her oldest child (the step-child of this father) and she doesn’t see them anymore. People tried for years to help her, but she never took it. People have given up realizing that they can’t change her mind.



Just telling you this to let you know that sometimes it doesn’t seem like much at first, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t abusive and won’t get worse. Sometimes abusers like to see what emotional manipulation they can get away with first and then you will completely lose yourself because you keep remembering how nice he “can” be.

Please do what is best for you and keep this in mind if you want to have children yourself in the future. You deserve a better life than what my Future Mother-In-Law has had. Everyone does… even she does.

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