(Closed) my heart is hurting. please help fellow bee

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 62
Bee
979 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2008 - A tiny town just outside of Glacier National Park

It sounds like you both need to talk to a therapist about what happened. Forget forgiveness from God… you need to forgive YOURSELF. And he needs to forgive you. What happened, happened. The only mistake you made was hiding it from him. Shame can’t survive in the light of day. Talk to a qualified professional and get help, possibly together.

Post # 64
Member
291 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

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@lostheart165: “If we were to walk away now. what man is going to want me with a past like this?” Honey!!! You should be asking what decent man would care about your past? The answer? NONE. NO DECENT MAN SHOULD CARE ABOUT THIS. On the scale of 1 to “I murdered my little sister in her sleep and stole her piggy bank money and ran off to Mexico to start a drug cartel,” this incident isn’t even a blip. It’s less than a speed-bump. If this is all you have to be ashamed of from your teenage days, count yourself lucky. You were a victim of a crime. What is there to be ashamed of??? If every woman blamed herself for being victimized, nobody would leave the house. This is no way to live.

I’d be willing to bet that if your fiance actually worked through his issues, he would discover that his hesitation to get married isn’t about your past at all, but rather about his own reservations about committing to you. Seriously, please please please do not beat yourself up over something like this. Life is too short. If your fiance decides to break things off because he doesn’t want to get married, THIS IS IN NO WAY YOUR FAULT. It’s his fault for not recognizing his feelings sooner, and for using your “past” as an excuse.

Post # 65
Member
641 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

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@lostheart165:  I’m sure you’ve been a model girlfriend, I’m saying he’s not ready, HE’S the flawed one. Maybe this is one of those times where if you love something you let it go. If he comes back, you know he was yours all along. I just think those texts are his way of holding you at arm’s length while he figures himself out. Give him the space to do so. Maybe a trial separation? You deserve someone who loves you unreservedly. If he can’t do that, he’s not the one for you.

Post # 66
Member
458 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

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@Baal:  this and what Sooby Says.

I’m sorry to say this, because you clearly love him, but the whole thing just reads like an “it’s not you, it’s me” lead up. I think for your own self respect you should give him space to either realize he’s being an idiot (because he is, seriously, nothing you have done warrants his ridiculous reaction and 95+% of men out there, certainly the good ones, would never remotely hold this against you) or to be along his merry way so you can meet someone who truly loves you and wouldn’t play with your mind and your heart.

Post # 67
Member
4304 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Oh boy.  I don’t know which of your boyfriends is more abusive.

First of all, contact the police and get those pictures taken down.  If you were 15 in them and they are online, that is fking illegal.

Second of all, if your boyfriend wants a woman that’s never been with ANYONE else before, then he can go out and find her.  He knew you had a past.  And fuck him for taking an obvious weakness and using it against you.

If he’s not sure – dump him.  Plain and simple.  He’s absolutely right, after 4 years he is 100% wasting your time.

There a TONS of guys would never, ever make this an issue. 

Post # 68
Member
488 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

A little over a year ago, I was at a party without FH (he was out of town), but I thought I was with friends. Something terrible happened and the next morning I realized a guy there had gotten me piss drunk on purpose and taken advantage of me (not all the way, but definitely enough…). I didn’t know how to tell FH, but I couldn’t keep it inside, so I called him crying and just told him everything. He was furious at the guy and frustrated that I let myself be put in that situation.

BUT we got through that in a healthy way. He came over as soon as possible and spent the next few days with me. He understood how I was feeling, and I understood how he felt. We both knew that it wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t gone to the party, hadn’t been drinking, etc, BUT he never blamed me. We dealt with it, and per my request we don’t talk about it anymore.

The point is, s**t happens. If you want to marry this man, you need to be confident that your relationship can withstand whatever life decides to throw at you. What happened to you was terrible, but there are infinite other hurdles that you will need to overcome as a couple. It doesn’t sound like he’s secure enough to take it.

Post # 69
Member
2959 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

 It’s time to forgive yourself and move forward with life. ALL of us have done in our past that we are not particularly proud of, it’s being human.

He’s holding the past against a CHILD that was victimized at the age of 15? Honey, God has already forgiven you and so should your bf. If he can’t get past this, then let him go

Post # 70
Member
1686 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

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@lostheart165:  first of all…

1 I’m the super jealous type and hate ‘sharing’ you with any guy in any way or form. 2 is i had so much trust in you then boom i had my whole world and vision of us get shattered.”

really? seriously…really?

and second of all – If we were to walk away now. what man is going to want me with a past like this?

Any man who is a real MAN. That’s who.

Do you have any idea how many pics have been taken of me naked by my ex husband, ex boyfriends? By my now husband? In a context other than being in a shitty abusive relationship, I’m going to go ahead and say it’s a pretty fuckin normal thing.

Something that happened to you at 15, and was then publicized by an asshole piece of garbage is NOT your fault.  Even if you were not in an abusive relationship, and this guy just decided now he’s a douche and posted those – NOT your fault.

This doesn’t make you a bad person, your past is not even close to something that cannot be forgiven.  In fact, no one should need to know about it.  I don’t blame you for not mentioning it, why would you?  You were embarrased, ashamed, and you didn’t think it would ever come to this.

What kind of MAN wants to know this shit anyways?  My husband absolutely 100% does not want to hear about my past sexual experiences, nor would he EVER want to know what pics or videos have ever been taken of me. You should not feel bad for any of this.

Your Boyfriend or Best Friend should be the one ashamed.  He has ZERO right to make you feel guilty over this, nor does he have any right to feel jealous.  This is ridiculous childish pathetic behaviour, and you absolutely deserve better than this crap.

PS – If this is something he can’t get over, he has another thing coming to him when he wakes the fuck up and realizes what the real world is.  He’ll have to go looking for someone who lived under a rock to find someone without a past, especially one as innocent as yours.

Post # 71
Member
47 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2011

@lostheart165:  

“He says my past isn’t punishing me (I feel like it is, coming back to haunt me)”.

“I have been very ashamed of this. I cannot describe how many nights I’ve cried and begged for forgiveness from God”

           I just wanted to tell you that, if you already went through the experience of having low self esteem in your past, Why would you repeat it in the present? Why do you think you deserve to be judged and punished? Why do you think you need forgiveness? You’ve done nothing wrong. Everybody has a past and past is only a part of our lives where we learn and have experiences. Past is not a tag or a label that dictates who we are, no; it is just learning. And I sincerely think that you should stop thinking so bad about yourself before you solve anything out. The worst part of low self esteem is not that we feel judged by others but that we are constantly judging ourselves. If you don’t value yourself now, you will allow anyone NOT to value you in the future, and you will even support their reasons for not giving you any value, ’cause you feel guilty and you actually feel you deserve it. Well… let me tell you… nobody deserves to be unvalued. Stand for yourself and shake this guy’s head and firmly ask him if he really wants all the good things he has with you and all the happy moments he can have for the rest of his life to be exchanged for his thoughts about your past. If he can’t move on, if he has changed his opinion about you because of your past, then is time for you to move on. You don’t deserve to be judged. 

Post # 72
Member
2447 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

OP, your current Boyfriend or Best Friend sounds like an asshole. Don’t marry a man that manipulates you into thinking the reason he can’t marry you is because you were taken advantage of at a young age. There’s nothing wrong with you and you deserve better.

Post # 73
Member
2902 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

He is taking something that is deeply disturbing from your past and using it against you. This is one of the most cowardly and damaging things I have seen on the Bee. What a sad little man

🙁 You deserve so much better. 

And for what its worth, I have a past (as does everyone) My fiance knows it’s the building blocks that have made me who I am today. He would never use my past (good & bad) against me. It’s such a dirty way to play.

Post # 74
Member
1462 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I just want you to take care of YOURSELF….Put your feelings first because it was you that went through it. If he cant move past it then he is not the man for you. Loving someone is unconditional, committment, loyalty, and respect.

Dont try to fix it because you will be saying by your behavior that somehow he is right and he is better than you because he needs to be convinced that you are worthy.

If he wants this relationship then he wont need any convincing he will take this time and think about what you mean to him and what his life would be without you.

YOU ARE SPECIAL AND I KNOW YOU ARE HURTING BUT KNOW THAT YOU ARE LOVED.

BIG HUG

Post # 76
Member
624 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

I agree with everyone here who is saying your Boyfriend or Best Friend is a jerk. I feel like this needs to be pointed out… He lied to you for 2 YEARS.For 2 years he has been mad about your past and not telling you how he feels.

 On top of that, he should be there with you protecting you from this scumbag that just got out of jail. NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT.Your ex took advantage of you and that is wrong. You should not be feeling guilty, you were young and being abused. My Boyfriend or Best Friend would hunt that man down and kill him.

 Everyone has a past, and you do not have to disclose your entire past to anyone ever. He is turning this whole situation into something about himself. It is not about you and the hurt and shame you feel from some douchebag, it is now about him and his feelings. Which frankly, shouldn’t be factored into this. He should be saying “Honey I will love you always and unconditionally no matter what”  Not that he Is jealous and doesn’t want to marry you now.

 You need to get rid of this douchebag. How great was your four year relationship if he has been lying to you for the last 2 years? 2 years that he has been unhappy and hiding things from you?! He is a jerk and a hypocrite. There are a million other men that would love to be with you and not care about your past and take care of you. GO FIND ONE OF THEM.

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