(Closed) My heart might check out after Christmas… help.

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
629 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I’m going to venture a different avenue here, just food for thought. You say you want to get married because your dad is sick and really want him to be at the wedding. What if you guys plan a small ceremony with a few close friends and family and have a simple engagement with a less expensive ring for the time being with plans to upgrade later? 

Post # 19
Member
215 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2005

I also feel that he gave himself an out.  If he was going to propose (heavy on the IF), then he should have no  problems showing you the ring and proposing now.  It seems like he’s just trying to string you along and truth be told you aren’t getting any younger.  I love my hubby to death but we dated a very long time as well and I told him after we had married that I would only have waited one more year if he hadn’t been interested in marriage.  

I do have to agree with Wine, start prepping for the worst.  Have you ever thought of proposing to him?

Post # 21
Member
3209 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Ugh. I would tell him honestly how yoU feel. I hate ultimatums but I think you would be justified to give one at this point. Or I would just propose to him! If he complains about him not being the one to do it, oh well, he had his chance! And it was completely unfair for him to tell you he was going to propose on Xmas and you ruined it! He could have easily said something like “don’t worry, plans are in the works! You won’t have to wait much longer”… Without completely giving it away. Makes me wonder if that was true or if he made it up.

Post # 24
Member
215 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2005

@AquaGrey8962:  

Never found the right moment to say “I love you.”?  No offense but that sounds like a load of horse manure.  If you love a person, you either find the right moment or make it and remind them of it every day.  It seems like his motto is : I was about to do it.   For me I think if you really wanted to, you would.  He was ‘about to ask  you on a date’, he was ‘about to say I love you’, he was ‘about to propose on Christmas’, I’m curious as to when he actually does anything.  Good luck to you, I can’t imagine how painful it is for you right now.  Would you keep us updated? I would love to know when he actually does propose

Post # 25
Member
365 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Question: Other than the official title, how would being married change your relationship from how it is now? Do you live together? Are you opposed to having children before marriage? I know I wouldn’t be able to have a child with someone unless I was married, but that’s just me not every one feels that way (look at Brad and Angelina lol)

Maybe his “reason” is money (or lack there of) but you really don’t HAVE to have money in order to get married. I’m sure you have talked about that with him. You could have a casual, backyard style potluck wedding and ask all your guests to pitch in. Nontraditional sure, but could it be beautiful and memorable? Absolutely!

I think the biggest red flag for me is the fact that you have told him your concerns several times and he doesn’t seem to be taking your feelings into account. Doesn’t have to be a deal breaker, but it’s at the very least cause for concern.

Don’t settle. I think it’s a very fine line between knowing when to walk away and knowing when to fight for someone you love. You obviously love him or you wouldn’t have been with him this long. Still, don’t settle.

Post # 27
Member
1047 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I’m sorry you are in this position.  Given your age and how long you’ve been together, I can understand wanting “the next step.”  It doesn’t make sense to me WHY a man would do that….finances should have nothing to do with it.  I mean, you’ve been living together (I’m assuming) for a while and still having financial difficulties so why would getting engaged be any different you know?

If you are seriously thinking about leaving him, then you need to be prepared to do that no matter what.  DH always tells me that he and most of his guy friends hate how us women threaten something and then don’t follow through on it.  All it does is show them that we aren’t serious about whatever the issue it.  If you’ve given him ultimatum of a year (not Christmas) then you need to remember that.  

If you are really wanting this to work out, maybe you should show him your post.  Or maybe tell him you are sorry for putting him the position of “ruining his proposal” but that you’d still like it even if it doesn’t happen on Christmas.  

By The Way, when DH proposed to me while visiting his hometown, I completely expected it to happen on New Year’s….when it didn’t I was disappointed but didn’t pressure him.  He proposed on Jan. 7th, our last night there and I was completely surprised. In hindsight, he wishes he would have done it while there so we could announce to everyone but he was too scared I would say NO for some reason….

Post # 30
Member
1335 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Soooo…. he didn’t have the balls to ask you out officially, he didn’t have the balls to say I love you first, he clearly doesn’t have the balls to propose to you… I don’t see this man doing anything more at this point.  Him reminding you that he stood by your side in the hospital is just his way of deflecting what else he hasn’t done.  Him saying he was going to propose on Christmas and that you just ruined it is another way of deflecting blame from him onto you.  You need to stop letting the sh*t roll downhill and make him own his part in all of this.

And if he claims you don’t have enough money to get married, he sure as hell will drag his feet about having kids.  Kids are expensive and a big commitment.  There’s no way he’s going to give the “ok” to have kids when he couldn’t man up enough to do any of these other things.  But that’s just my take on it.

There are loads of other men out there who do want to get married and start a family. I vote for ditching this guy and finding someone you don’t have to drag to the altar.  It already sounds like you’ve checked out anyway if you’re thinking through the logistics of splitting things up.  I have a feeling you’ll be much happier when you walk out of that place free and clear of his drama.

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