(Closed) My heart might check out after Christmas… help.

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
Member
1047 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

@AquaGrey8962:  I understand about the pets issue.  When I divorced, I had to leave my 2 fur-babies with my ex-H b/c I couldn’t take them to my parents.  It still hurts to this day….and my ex-H had to put one down and I wasn’t there.  Talk about heartwrenching.  I miss them so much but I couldn’t stay in that environment anymore.  

Post # 33
Member
629 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

That little ceremony at your Aunts place sounds lovely!

I hope you don’t mind me saying but it seems to me like you have some deeper issues than just him not proposing. I would caution you that if he miraculously does propose at Christmas, you should really think about if this is the guy you want to spend forever with. Never let the dream of having a wedding overshadow the reason for having a marriage. 

I really think that you can find someone who connects with you better emotionally. Sounds to me like you do so much for him and he doesn’t reciprocate? I hope I’m understanding correctly. 

Post # 37
Member
320 posts
Helper bee

@AquaGrey8962:  Can’t you propose to him? If he’s so big on surprises, why don’t you drop one on his unsuspecting head this Christmas?

ETA: Sorry, hadn’t read all the posts. Looks like this has been covered already.

Post # 38
Member
1335 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@AquaGrey8962:  Even if he had a crappy upbringing, you’re not his mom.  You can’t fix what she didn’t do right, and your job is not to raise him.  He’s a grown man.  We all come with baggage and a past… it’s up to us as adults to mature and deal with our baggage.  Even if he has good intentions, it doesn’t mean he’s necessarily the right person for you to spend your life with and raise a family with.  There are lots of nice men out there, but I’m only marrying one and I was picky about which one it is ;o)

Post # 39
Member
365 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@islandlily84:  Never let the dream of having a wedding overshadow the reason for having a marriage.  THIS! I see SO many women do this and I think it’s sad, not only here.

That’s really the essence of why I was wondering what would change in your relationship if you were married. You would still feel like the “housewife”. You would still feel like you were living in “his” world. And you would still have debt. Marriage is not a solution to any of those issues.

Is it?

Post # 40
Member
2721 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

I think he’s being a jerk by dangling a proposal in front of your face, but it will only happen if you don’t do anything to piss him off.  My guess is he wasn’t really planning to propose at Christmas, but when you brought it up, he saw his chance to make you feel like shit and possibly not bring it up again for fear that he would scrap the plan again.  

 

Post # 42
Member
147 posts
Blushing bee

My friend received a $250 engagement ring and they’re saving for a small wedding in a couple of years time. They’d have liked a nicer ring and a bigger wedding… but their current financial status means they’d have to wait 5-10 years, and it’s important to them to make a commitment now so they’re doing small and simple instead. Money is never an excuse for not making a commitment. 

Has your SO said why he hasn’t proposed? Has he not made up his mind about staying with you yet, or not decided that you’re the one? (which is totally unacceptable after 6 years). Or is he just afraid of commitment, doesn’t believe in marriage, etc? 

It sounds like he’s making excuses for not proposing. Not enough money, you ruined the surprise, wait just one more year, etc. I greatly doubt if he was going to propose at Christmas… he’s just given himself an excuse not to. It doesn’t sound like he’s excited about committing to you at all and he certainly isn’t considering your emotional concerns. If you’d been together less time then I’d suggest giving him a while longer… but 6 years is way beyond how long I’d be willing to wait. So I agree with your decision to leave if he doesn’t propose over the holidays, no matter how hard it may be. 

Post # 43
Member
365 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Well one thing I have come to learn from my relationship is how to love someone and stay with them IN SPITE OF THEIR FLAWS. There are things my Fiance does that in the past I would have walked away from without looking back. But there comes a time when you DO work through it and you DO stay. You put down roots with someone and you find a way to LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY.

Take that with a grain of salt and decide what’s best for you in the long term.

Good luck. Keep us posted.

Post # 44
Member
345 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Me and my fiance are not in the greatest financial state right now, but we figured we didnt want to wait to get married. so he proposed and were working out the whole money thing. So that really isnt an excuse. Also though if you push him to propose he wll never do it. My step sisters bf told her he would propose one day but wasnt ready quiet yet. so she knew he wanted to be with her forever, but she kept pushing and pushing and they ended up breaking up. So my point is, if it is meant to be it will happen. you cant make someone propose. and if you love him as much as you say you do,  you will wait it out.

 

Post # 45
Member
4811 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

@AquaGrey8962:  Hmmm…if you are wondering if someone has ruined your life they are really not the right person for you. You should never feel like your partner does not take your feelings into consideration and you are just along for the ride. I just feel sad to see you settle for that.

Do not confuse comfort, co-dependency, and fear for love and especially not for being the right person & relationship for you. Have you talked with your therapist about your relationship beyond the marriage issue?

Sometimes – not saying this IS you but just something to consider – I see women (and men) get so focused on an ideal, and on being proposed to (to feel “chosen” in a sense) to validate themselves and what they have “put into” the relationship that they don’t think about whether the other person and the relationship (and marriage) is really right for them and what they want.

Marriage will not change who he is or your relationship issues and dynamics. Think very carefully about whether you want to be with someone who does not communicate, blames you for his inaction, seems pretty emotionally immature, not on the same page as you, and that you need to apparently coddle and parent as he does not take responsibility for his own feelings and actions. I know I would not want that for myself and there truly are so many great, emotionally aware, communicative, loving and respectful men out there and I am sure in time you can meet one who ends up being just as eager to share a life with – and marry – you as you are with them.

It is hard to walk away after many years, and when you share a home together. I have so been there, and also had to leave a furry friend behind, but I will say I also felt a weight come off immediately when I put myself first again. New doors opened and some distance allowed me to realize I should never have to work so hard to be loved and wanted. I deserved to be loved and wanted just for being me. It was not long after I met my husband – a man who has never, not even one second, had me doubting or wondering what he was thinking…and with whom I have always felt so, so loved and wanted. Being together is easy and I only have to be me. We are in this togeher and equal partners – no one person “drives the bus”, this is our journeu together and my feelings are always heard, acknowledged and respected as are his. He IS the love of my life I am so fortunate & blessed, but it was not all luck that I met him, and married him, and have what I have with him. First I had to open my life to the opportunity and establish what I wanted and needed in a partner & relationship and work on myself (as my husband also was doing before we met).

Sorry this is getting long! I think it is time though that you thought of yourself and what you want and need. Based on what you have written I am not so sure that is being in a relationship, marriage or not, with this man. 6 years is a long time, but 6 years and one day is evdn longer. It may just be that this relationship has run its course and it was only ever meant to be what it has been. That does not make either of you bad or failures, or what you had a waste of time, it just means you are not right for each other and it was meant to be an experience to live and move on.  I am glad you are seeing a therapist and perhaps you can explore this further with them.

If I have read all this wrong, I apologize but I just can really empathize.

 

Post # 46
Member
1094 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I’m of two minds. So I will tell you those minds since you asked for advice and then give you an anecdote.

 

Opinion one: You’re together now. I was with my fiance for 7 years before he finally proposed (also for monetary reasons) and I had numerous friends date and get engaged in that period. It REALLY hurt and sucks. I totally get it. But you know what? You have each other. As long as eventually he puts a ring on it, what’s the rush? You have the rest of your lives and a ring is only a symbol of what you already know.

Opinion two: If he keeps telling you he is going to do it, he’s running from something and should be ashamed. Good for you for being assertive. Don’t demand a ring but let him know you are waiting and it matters to you. If he has told you it is coming multiple times, he’s either lying or better have one hell of a good reason for not doing it already.

 

Anecdote: My mom loves telling about how she got engaged to my father. After being together and her getting impatient, she romantically told my father “look, either give me a ring and we get married or I’m leaving you.” Thirty five years later and they’re still happily married and crazy about each other.

 

Note: I’m not saying demanding to be engaged or proposing to him is the right answer. I’m just sharing a story.

 

Good luck!

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