(Closed) My heart might check out after Christmas… help.

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 47
Member
12340 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

@AquaGrey8962:  So now I’m almost positive that it’s not going to happen, and it’s ALL my fault.

If it doesn’t happen, it’s HIM, not you.  HE’s the one deciding not to do it.  I could have almost told your story… I was 28, with my x-bf for about 6-7 years at the time.  We’d taked, I’d been fustrated, waiting.  Well, he’s an ex for a reason, I was tired of waiting.  We talked a few months later, and I asked him why… what took so long??  His response: he wanted to make sure still.  STILL!?!  If after 6-7 years he didnt know, wasnt sure, what was going to change his mind.   He definitely confirmed with that statement, that my leaving was the right thing to do.

Post # 48
Member
2405 posts
Buzzing bee

I have to tell you, I honestly think that setting yourself up to hope that he’ll propose at Christmas is postponing/stretching out the pain. I think he has been showing you all along that he’s not truly committed — he didn’t even get around to asking you out or saying he loved you. It sounds to me like he has serious issues that you can’t fix, and that won’t be fixed unless he gets some significant therapy, and I don’t think he’s going to do that. You are waiting for him to change into someone else. I truly believe that there are other men out there who are more deserving of your love and devotion, AND who will return it so that you feel loved and appreciated the way that you should.

Post # 49
Member
6458 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

I think you need to stop worrying about when he’s going to propose.  I was like this for a while.  My now fiance and I had been together for six years…no proposal.  I moved in with him, and nothing.  I moped and complained and harped about it, and he was finally like, “I do not want to marry you any more when you complain and get mopey.  I will propose when I want to propose.  I will find the right time.”  I was fine for a few months after that, but got really upset on Valentine’s Day.  He HATES Valentine’s Day, which I know.  We only celebrate it because it’s my half-birthday…  So I was upset for being upset as well as really being upset (ha).  I cried.  He told me, “Why would I propose on Valentine’s Day?  I want to propose at a time that is special to both of us, not on a day I hate.”  And he did propose.

I don’t understand why you think it makes sense to propose after you had surgery or after you got into a car accident.  That seems like the worst time to propose.  I don’t understand why Christmas or New Year’s or Valentine’s Day are good times either.  It’s so predictable that guys don’t want to do it, I think.  I think you should cut your guy some slack.  Stick to your original timeline…and also STOP TALKING ABOUT IT TO HIM.  Good luck!

Post # 50
Member
9168 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

There’s no reason why he can’t propose between now and xmas if that was his plan all along. No offense but if he doesn’t propose at xmas give or take a month, I’d be out of there.  Sounds like a big old excuse to me.  Sorry you’re dealing with this 🙁

I’m sorry but an argument a month before my bf planned to propose would not have stopped him from proposing.  Don’t beat yourself up for it – proposals aren’t something you need to earn for being on your best behavior.  

I also have a hard time buying the money reason, but then again my Fiance found a way to make it work and buy a ring when he had been unemployed for a year.  There’s really never a good time to buy a diamond (and I’m in the boat that it doesnt have to be a diamond!) Was it the most responsible thing for us to do? No probably not, but we wanted to get engaged and married and he was sick of waiting for a job to come around, so we made it work.  A week after we got engaged, he got a new job…

Post # 51
Member
530 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

He deffinatly sounds like hes giving himself an out =c If he loved you enough he wouldnt be so conserned about money and more conserned about your happyness. ( not saying he doesnt love you im sure he loves you alot! but he should be more concerned about you n less about money). My Fiance doesnt have any concernes about money, thats what I worry about. He’s reasonable but likes to buy things he wants or he’ll go out and buy something he knows I want.. n i just have to say no no no. I dont know what youve talked to your bf about but maybe just talk to him about his concernes about money vs your happyness if the engagment doesnt happen? I hope it does!! Keep your chin up!

Post # 52
Member
721 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

I think you should sit him down and explain to him that you love him, have decided that he is the one you want to be with for the rest of your life, to have children with, to share life’s joys and sorrows with but that you are not willing to wait around forever for HIM to decide if that’s what he wants from you.

By now, he should know one way or the other. Tell him you will not mention it again and that he can think about it and make his decision. Give him until December 31st to decide what he wants to do or that you WILL make plans to move forward with your life without him. And then do it. That way you put the ball solely into his court and he can decide his future for himself – whether he wants you in it or not. Good luck ((Hugs))

Post # 53
Member
894 posts
Busy bee

@AquaGrey8962:  I’m so sorry you’re going through this. 🙁 This whole situation is heartbreaking. Lots of hugs.

Do you think there is any possibility of him still proposing by Christmas? Maybe he’ll do it another day so it’s still a surprise? I mean there’s still New Year’s Eve afterwards, and all sorts of holiday time before. I don’t want you to get your heart set on it, but it’s probably good to not check out just yet.

Post # 54
Member
759 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

If it were me, I’d give him a timeline and make it clear that if the timeline is not met I will no longer be in it with him. Tell him you’re not trying to pressure him but if he knows he wants to marry you then he should be able to get it done but the longer he puts it off the more you wonder if he’s all that certain of his feelings toward you.

 

He knows how you feel and wny you want to get married and that you want to now. He needs to man up or step to the side so you can find someone who will.

 

That’s just me though, what I would do.

 

My Fiance and I are flat broke. I mean it’s bad while we’re finishing up school. He told me one day he was waiting to propose until he could afford a ring. So I showed him many rings I LOVED that were well below our budget and within 3 weeks we were engaged. Maybe $1,000 is a bit above his budget for now? Maybe look around and find some cheaper and perhaps this will nudge him along?

Post # 55
Member
2515 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Been there, said all those things. If he is the one you want to be with for the next 80 years, then a few more months won’t matter. I know, SOOOO much easier said then done.

Post # 56
Member
576 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@AquaGrey8962:  The point of a proposal isn’t the surprise.  It’s the representation of the prospective commitment you will make.  Duh.  I know you get that, not sure why he doesn’t.

Have you discussed marriage at length before this?  Has he communicated that he wants marriage?  That he sees children in his future?  That he understands the commitment?  If the answer is “no” then I’d have to say you can’t really expect a proposal from him given there has been no conversation about it.  If the answer is “yes” then your boyfriend is being a total jerk.

Wait until Christmas, see what happens and reassess.  Not much else you can do in the meantime.

Post # 57
Member
8066 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

@RayKay:  Agreed!

OP, are you sure this is really the right relationship for you?  Marriage will not fix your relationship issues or change him.  Is this really the type of man you want to spend your life with?  I would think carefully about this.

Being 28 and in a relationship with someone for 6 years is not a good enough reason to get married to someone who doesn’t treat you as a partner.

He didn’t want to ask you out, he didn’t want to say “I love you,” and he doesn’t seem to want to propose.  I would probably have been out of this relationship.  You shouldn’t have to fight for love and respect.

If he doesn’t propose on his own, I would leave.  DON’T SETTLE!!

Post # 58
Member
2187 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I think you are being very reasonable about this – considering the fact you wnat to start a family and your father’s age. But may I suugest you wait until after New Year’s? It’s only a week later, it’s NOT on Christmas and if he doesn’t propose by then, consider your options.

Post # 59
Member
603 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@MadameTussaud:  +1 to this. Please find someone who can deal with your feelings. They are valid.

Post # 60
Member
327 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I’m just not sure that this guy is for you? You sound very romantic and he’s very passive about relationships. Are you going to be okay with this for the rest of your life? He’ll probably put off having children and on and on. My DH is like this. He knew I was ready to walk away and he did propose.

Can you go and spend some time with family or friends to get away? Maybe it will make him realize he needs you.

Post # 61
Member
327 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

btw I just want to tell you that you’re ONLY 28. It’s not old enough to settle and you’re still young enough to find someone new, get married and have children before your 30s are up.

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