My hubby is avoid-ant and hard to communicate with, what should I do?

posted 6 days ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
5189 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

Since you say there is more to this story I’m assuming this isn’t a new thing and this guy has always been like this?

I do not want to paint everyone with the same brush but a significant amount of men who expect their partner to be “a good Christian wife” are misogynistic and subscribe to very strict gender roles. However it’s interesting that he expects you to do all of the house work and childcare but also work outside the home and bring home a pay cheque.  As a “good Christian husband” isn’t that his job?

Bee it sounds like this guy has no respect for you, I am not one to jump to divorce on these posts but I don’t think anything will change for you in this relationship, counselling or not. 

Post # 4
Member
8770 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

SachKitten :  Am I interpreting correctly that he works either 24 or 36 hours per week? I know 12-hour shifts are rough, but people manage all the time. Have you two set up a chore schedule? There are apps you can use, or a wipe-off whiteboard. If the two of you decide together who does what when, and memorialize it somewhere so he can’t say “I didn’t agree to that” or “I forgot” or “I’ll do it tomorrow”, that might help.

Post # 6
Member
8770 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

SachKitten :  “I am trying to uphold the standard that God set for me” But God doesn’t want you to be a doormat though, right? And your husband can be a misogynist and have caveman-like ideas of gender roles without being Christian. Is the problem that he just doesn’t want to do the work, or that he thinks it’s your job to do the work? A chore-chart/schedule can help with the first, but rarely the second.

Post # 7
Member
6314 posts
Bee Keeper

SachKitten :  How do you think he would respond if you made a comprehensive list of everything that needs to be done and sat down to divvy it up–your initial next to x, his next to y, and z next to things you will hire out (cleaning services save marriages). 

How would he respond if he opened the refrigerator to find no groceries, the closet to find no clean towels, clothes, etc.? Stop being a martyr. If he’s going to the store to buy beer hand him a grocery list. Stop making it so easy for him to do so little. 

Post # 9
Member
93 posts
Worker bee

SachKitten :  so you pretty much get the shit end of the stick and he gets to do whatever he wants while someone raises his kids, cleans, cooks and brings in an income..

Nice husband you got there.. you are not being a christian wife you are being a doormat and until you show him you mean business he will continue treating you this way.. 

I don’t see what a third party counselor will help with hell just nod his head say he will do it and he wont and youll go through that cycle on and on just wasting time and money

I suggest you start with NOT cooking and cleaning and letting him fend for himself.. obiously clean your kids clothes and keep their rooms tidy and cook for them but don’t do anything for him see if that gets him going if not then I dont know.. honestly this sounds like a nightmare to me and I would be seperating.. you sounds miserable

Post # 10
Member
61 posts
Worker bee

You may just have incompatible views on what “must” be done and what “should” be done.  My husband and I completely see eye to eye on this topic — we make it an absolute priority to relax and recharge (whatever that means….sometimes working out, sometimes engaging in a shared hobby, sometimes being complete couch potatoes) during our time off from work.  Housework / laundry /meal prep all need to get done, sure, but never at the cost of marital discord.  Neither of us are neat freaks and neither wants to be a slave to the house or yard….we work way too hard at our paid jobs to lose our free time to that which we just don’t enjoy.  

That  said….we have many friends who are neat freaks and sticklers for their manicured lawns.  Great for them – I’m happy if it makes them happy – but that could never be me.  The trick is to be paired with someone who shares your views here.  I’m wondering if you two are just not built the same.  Is this a new problem?  How long have you been married?  (Also — just curious — are your two kids also his kids?  Asking because you called them “my kids”).

Lastly, can you afford a house cleaner or lawn guy?  Getting a little outside assistance to free up some time might be something to think about.  I have a house cleaner who comes in every other week and it is a God send!

Post # 11
Member
920 posts
Busy bee

I’m just here to say that this would have been me had I married my ex boyfriend, and he hasn’t changed as a result of our relationship ending. His next girlfriend dumped him for the same reasons. Those red flags were present very early on for both of us ladies.

Have these issues been ongoing? He may just be a lazy, unmotivated person. It seems like you’re not a good match— you’re not “Type A” enough to enjoy carrying the majority of the load, and he’s not capable of rising to the level you need to feel like things are balanced. 

It’s good that marriage counseling is on the table. You need to go in prepared, with a list of things you do every day to keep the house running smoothly. Give it to him and the therapist. Ask him if he has any intention of assisting with the children he helped create, and the house he enjoys living in. 

Post # 12
Member
1207 posts
Bumble bee

So he only works 24-36 hours a week max? And he can’t be bothered in his 4/5 days off a week to do anything other than relax? Nothing will change bee unless you are serious about leaving, you’re married to a lazy, selfish man who doesn’t care that you’re running yourself ragged looking after the kids, the house and him, while he sits back relaxing drinking beer.

You deserve so much better than this, you deserve a partner. You mention being a good Christian wife and that being behind your decision to keep letting the issue go and carry on doing everything while he does pretty much nothing, but that’s not being a good Christian woman, it’s being a doormat. You don’t have a traditional Christian marriage where he goes out and works while you stay at home to look after the house and kids, therefore he doesn’t get to do nothing other than work. If he wants a relationship like that he needs to find another job that earns more so you can quit yours. He’s having his cake and eating it at the moment at your great expense. 

I am not usually one to suggest divorce as the first option unless there is abuse, but this man has very little respect for you, you’ve discussed this numerous times and nothing changes. He is taking you for granted as he assumes you’ll never leave, he doesn’t care whether you’re exhausted, stressed and unhappy, as long as he can carry on living the easy life. He knows you’re right which is why he agrees to change, but he doesn’t care enough to actually change because he knows or assumes you’ll never leave even if he doesn’t. 

I honestly don’t think he will ever change, therefore, imo you should divorce. 

Post # 14
Member
61 posts
Worker bee

For those jumping to the conclusion that her husband is lazy……careful!  I am FAR from lazy, but I also see no value in vacuuming out my footprints every time I leave a room like one of my good friends does.  I am only partially exaggerating (I laugh at her all the time – and she at me – at our incompatible households), but the point is, we really don’t know all of the details.

Post # 15
Member
5192 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

My husband is not a talker. He does not want to have deep conversations about my feelings, he gets uncomfortable. He isn’t open about his emotions. He hates conflict.

But he listens to me, despite his lack of healthy communication, I feel heard, understood, and loved. Even if he says little when I want to have deep discussions, he takes what I say into account and he makes changes if I’m asking for them. He remembers what I say.

It’s not that your husband isn’t a good communicator or that he hates conflict… it’s that he’s not listening to you and he’s not following through when he says he will. That’s not a communication thing.

I would wish you luck in therapy but I’m not sure if you can force him to actually give a damn.

And what does being a “good Christian wife” mean to you? So you forgive, but what are you forgiving? He hasn’t changed anything, so why would you be forgiving him?

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