My hubby is avoid-ant and hard to communicate with, what should I do?

posted 2 months ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
6169 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

SachKitten :  I agree with PPs. Also, OP. Does your husband not do ANYTHING or does he not do things up to your standards? Because there is a difference and oftentimes we don’t realize that when our partners have tried to do something, we dismissed what they did as not good enough and they give up or stop trying.

Separately, maybe you should focus your religious efforts on your relationship with Christ rather than letting your religion dictate your burdens in your home. It doesn’t seem to be doing you much good in this situation. This issue isn’t about you being a “good Christian wife”. It’s about your husband not doing his part to care for the home that cares for him. It’s about him not sharing the burdens associated with the children he seems to be happily making. It’s about him needing to be an equal contributor to the responsibilities inside his home as well as outside. And it’s about the fact that if you are doing everything by yourself anyway (while he just works and contributes financially), you can do that without his crusty ass on your couch, drinking beer.

Post # 17
Member
5564 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

Are you actually joking? cart :  

Post # 18
Member
149 posts
Blushing bee

Zzar45, about what?  That we’ve only heard PART of ONE side of the story?? Nope, not joking.  The OP said that he works rotating 12 hour shifts and suddenly some of the PPs have interpreted that to mean he works 3 days a week and then does literally nothing.  She said they both have FT jobs….if he’s working 12 hour shifts , 3 days on, 2 days off, rinse & repeat, that’s 60 hours over a 7 day week with never having the same 2 days off or a consistent schedule, and we have no idea what he does.  Not saying that absolves him from housework, just pointing out that we’re jumping to conclusions with SO many details unknown?  Is his idea of feeding the kids lunch a PB sandwich but hers is a full 3 course meal?  We don’t know.  And ps, I’m NOT taking his side, I’m not taking anyone’s side, I’m just saying there are different levels of compatibility.  I do find it a little hard to believe that they took their time before getting married in order to recognize these differences…..these sound like traits that were always there to me.  But that’s besides the point.  zzar45 :  

Post # 19
Member
8835 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

SachKitten :  Not having an opinion is not the same as not doing your share of work. Sometimes I honestly don’t care about something and it feels harassing for someone to try to force me to give an opinion. So, without knowing any more specifics on this, I could be Team Husband on that one.

But he needs to pull his weight with the housework. Since he did his share when he had a roommate, that seems to indicate that if/when there’s a wife around, housework is her job. Not cool. I would try a schedule/app, but if that doesn’t work, I’m really not sure what will. 

Also, everyone doing their part to keep the home nice is part of how you raise your kids. Ideas of gender roles are also part of how you raise your kids. If he’s doing a reasonable amount of work to keep a reasonable level of cleanliness, but you have super strict standards, that’s different. But if your standards are “average” and he’s not doing anything, that’s a problem for everyone in the home.

 

Post # 20
Member
8835 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

cart :  I didn’t jump to conclusions, I asked the OP to clarify her statement, which was “rotating 12 hour shifts (2 to 3 days a week)“. Maybe she meant 3-on/2-off, or maybe she meant 2-3 days of 12-hour shifts plus a couple shorter ones to equal 40 hours. But since all she said was 12-hour shifts 2-3 days a week, it seems reasonable to interpret that as meaning 12-hour shifts 2-3 days a week. Hopefully she will clarify because it makes a difference.

Post # 21
Member
5564 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

I don’t know where you’re getting that he only has two days off, OP says he works full time hours in 12 hour shifts 2-3 days a week. Rotating between 2 and 3 days a week in 12 hour shifts would put him at he appropriate full time hours. 

And where are you getting that it’s a conflict of standards? OP doesn’t say he gives the kids a shitty lunch, she says he doesn’t do it at all. If he has multiple days off a week why is he leaving it to OP to run around doing household errands after she has done a day at work? 

Then there is the fact that despite the fact that even all he does is cut the grass he complains that OP is lazy if he ever sees her taking a break! The fact that you are brushing this off as him “not seeing mess” and having different standards seems insane to me given that OP has said specifically while she spends most of her weekends doing chores, household errands and cooking meals for the family he relaxes rather than helps. 

cart :  

Post # 24
Member
1115 posts
Bumble bee

I worked 10-12 hour days and longer when I was teaching. It was exhausting and I was not able to get much done…but that was every effing day and I at least was able to throw a load of laundry in, make myself a sandwich, and do the dishes. This man isn’t too tired, he is getting days off to recharge. 

It is making me so angry to hear that despite your doing EVERYTHING, if you even think to take a break he calls you lazy. That’s abusive in my opinion, in fact this whole situation is abusive because you are running yourself ragged and it’s not good for your mental, physical, and emotional health. To what extent this is you and what extent this is your husband, I do not know. 

If you want him to get stuff done and he says he is open to it, stop having big picture conversations and expecting him to just jump up and do things. Literally tell him what to do. Tell him to go to the store, to do some laundry, clean up the living room, take out the garbage, make the dinner, take the kids to the activities. Maybe he’s waiting for you to be mommy and tell him what he needs to do. If he refuses to do those things, then it’s time for conversations such as whether you can stay married to a man who expects a mother and not a spouse. 

Post # 25
Member
1115 posts
Bumble bee

SachKitten :  Wow. With your update, if it were ME I’d probably just say, “Well do you want a wife or not, because I refuse to stay married to someone who makes me feel like a servant just because he happens to make more money.”

I’m not suggesting you tell him that though. 

Well, maybe a little. 

Post # 27
Member
149 posts
Blushing bee

Thank you for the clarification.  I change my mind then – he sounds disgusting.  And it sounds like you are completely incompatible.  Sorry.  I don’t really have any constructive advice to offer that would come across nicely.  I wish you the best.  SachKitten :  

Post # 29
Member
1115 posts
Bumble bee

SachKitten :  Ok so I’m going to tell you about 2 different men. 

1st: Never cleaned. He would use dishes and then just leave them everywhere. He would open cans and eat food right from the can, and let that sit. He would smoke and his ashtrays were everywhere and they would spill over and get ashes all over the floor. He refused to do dishes or clean anything. If I refused to do the work, he would let everything sit until mold grew and bugs flew around and I would give up and do it because gross. I went overseas for a couple weeks, and I asked him to please clean the house and change the sheets for when I got home. He had two weeks and I had cleaned before I left. I came home to a literal MOUNTAIN OF GARBAGE in the middle of the living room! Fast food wrappers, ashes on the floor, etc. DISGUSTING. We broke up. I would visit once in awhile and he transitioned to living in one room and using paper plates and plastic utensils. 

2nd guy: My fiance. He doesn’t expect me to do anything for him at all. I made him breakfast today and he was gushing over it like I made him a fancy meal instead of an egg sandwich and orange slices. He comes home from work and then he’ll fix the washing machine. On the weekends he will grab a broom or mop and help me with cleaning the house. He’s pure gold, and I’m blessed.

The difference between these men is simply this – my age and level of experience/maturity. I put up with too much and had too low of standards when I was younger, and I got low standard men. I wouldn’t give a guy like the first the time of day now because I’ve learned to be more discerning with men. I don’t know if you can fix this situation with your husband, maybe you can, but he was this way before you married him and you CHOSE to continue. You can’t control him or change him, but if you don’t like your life, you can choose to leave. You have the agency of choice, no matter what you do here. 

I wouldn’t put up with this crap though. A husband who goes crazy if my stuff is over the floor, but cleans nothing and leaves his shit everywhere? A husband who never lifts a finger at home then has the audacity to call ME lazy? A husband who clearly cares about the house being clean to impress HIS relatives but places all expectation and blame upon you? No. No thank you sir. You can just f*ck right off sir. 

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