Post # 1
Hi bees! I’m a semi regular here so I have to do this anonymously. Actually, it’s two of us – my husband knows I’m asking for opinions here. Maybe I can convince him to actually write as well.
“John” and I have been married for three years and we love each other very much! He has a high powered career and is very in command in his work life. Surprisingly though, in the bedroom he is “passive.” He lets me be the dominant one which is great since although I’ve been “passive” in the past with exes I was never “dominant” until John. One thing he “likes” in the bedroom is hearing about my past “experiences.” I don’t have all that many (lol) but I have indulged him on his interest from time to time. Last year we ran into an old flame of mine and afterwards in bed John was all over me wanting details…
A couple of months ago, I told John that a friend of mine might be moving to our city and that we should invite him over for dinner. That guy was also an old flame and we have intermittently stayed in touch. John was cool with that and so “Tom” came over. The evening went well and John and Tom got along really well. At some point John told Tom that he knew about my relationship with him in the past. Tom laughed and said he didn’t John knew so he hadn’t said anything. I said that John cool with that kind of stuff and that was that. At some point we were all a bit tipsy and John whipered to me that I’d better give him all the “details” afterward. I coyly told him “maybe.” I think Tom overheard all that and teased. Later on after Tom had left, as expected, John was very amorous and wanted “stories.” So I told him a bit and we both had one heck of a night….
Well two weeks ago, Tom did move to our city and as it turns out accepted a position with John’s firm. I found that out when John came home that day and had an ashen look on his face. When I asked him what was wrong he told me that Tom was now with his company and in the same department but different sub-department. He met Tom at the office and said he was friendly and all that but John felt really weird. So we were supposed to go to a social where Tom would also attend but John refused to go. He says he feels like Tom now knows about our personal life and that he feels “funny” and uncomfortable around him. I’ve told John that there is no reason to feel that way and that Tom has not acted in any way inappropriately.
Anyway, John has been feeling worse by the day and I’m not sure what to do to get him back to his old self. I will pass over any suggestions you provide. I just don’t think there’s any reason for John to feel the way he does.
Post # 2
- Wedding: December 2014 - 13th ~ TN
JaneandJohn: You need to remind your husband why you are with him and not this Tom fellow, and maybe let your relationshop with this Tom go.
Post # 3
It sounds to me like John might be into cuckolding, but either doesn’t realise it yet, or is trying to hide it. He thinks that Tom has got the measure of him, and understands his unusual fetish.
The truth is that Tom probably thought nothing of what he saw, and just thought it was good natured teasing, indicating that you and John had a very open and honest relationship, and felt free to discuss your pasts with each other.
John needs to realise that because his fetish is somewhat unusual, others do not necessarily jump to conclusions about it… it is not the first thing which occurs to someone in that situation. He has no reason to be embarassed. Tom has no clue about what John is into, and it will doubtless remain that way, unless John tells him.
Post # 4
Actually, commenting again to follow. I have a feeling that this thread could end up being very interesting…
Post # 5
JaneandJohn: soooooo you guys are “talkers”. That’s great! And you’re open with each other about your past, that’s even better. Unfortunately you just found out that it’s one thing to have face-less or name-less people in your fantasy worlds and it’s a completely different thing to out a face, a name, and a regular frequency of interaction with said fantasy world. Sooooo simply remove Tom from your fantasies and sexual activities (maybe even keep said fantasies off the table for a while until the JaneandJohn intimacy gets re established, especially for John), and go on with your lives. Yes, John may now find himself comparing himself to Tom, etc., etc., but if he lets it go there’s no reason why Tom should ever again be a part of your private lives. My personal advice? Reassure your husband in bed that he’s got no reason to feel weird or uncomfortable. 😉
Post # 7
I don’t think there is anything you can do to prevent your H from feeling the way he does. Feelings are feelings. Short of leaving his job, he’s going to have to get past it if they work together. Your H was all for being open until it all became a little too close for comfort. Many people keep boundaries on relationships with exes just so that this kind of thing can’t happen. Lesson learned.
I agree that Tom probably thought John was just kidding around unless what he overheard something more explicit than what you wrote here or it was quite obvious John wasn’t kidding.
Post # 8
- Wedding: June 2014 - San Francisco, CA
Rachel631: My first thought exactly.
OP, have you considered exploring this together as a couple? Maybe start by listening to the Savage Lovecast, podcast of sex, love, and relationship advice columnist Dan Savage.
As for your friendship with Tom, as long as there are no lingering feelings, there’s no reason you can’t continue to be amicable and get coffee sometimes or whatever. But maybe socializing as a couple isn’t a great idea, at least until the hubs is back to right.
Post # 9
JaneandJohn: Are you sure you didn’t have a threesome and just neglect to tell that part of the story? I was pretty sure that’s where this was going.
Tell us what really happened.
Post # 11
Hi bees. Sorry I’ve been off for a while trying to sort this out.
No, we didn’t have a threesome for heaven’s sake! And no, John is not a cuckold like one of you suggested.
The thing is that when John and I were being cute with each other, Tom DID hear. Soooo I looked at John and then told Tom about John’s interest. Neither guy seemed taken aback. As a matter of fact I’mpretty sure they both laughed. Anyway, Tom asked if I’ve told John about any of our times together. I don’t think I answered but I know that Tom then recounted a couple of the wilder ones. John was pretty cool about it all. And that was pretty much it.
When John saw Tom at the firm things changed. Tom was friendly and all that but when they went for a coffee Tom brought it up and basically told John that he had lots of stories and that I was a wild one and stuff. So John kind of freaked.
Post # 12
That’s different than the way you told the story originally. Tom didn’t “overhear,” rather, you looked over at H and with his approval told Tom how H gets his private thrills. The fact that Tom then shared more than John could handle is something the two of you unfortunately opened yourselves to. John could have quickly put a stop to it by saying he really isn’t all that comfortable hearing it.
Post # 13
Well this is embarrasing for me because John says that he didn’t give me his approval and that I made him look small in Tom’s eyes. And then as well afterward when John thought about the stories Tom recounted, he asked me how come we haven’t trieed this and that and I really didn’t have an answer. Just a mess!
Post # 14
Based on your last posts, I think you need to do two things for John:
(1) Apologize for misinterpreting the situation and sharing the info with Tom. I think a big part of this is reassuring him that you won’t share that again with anyone else.
(2) Explain to John that just because you haven’t done certain things, it doesn’t mean you wouldn’t do it with him (if that’s true), but for you, your relationship with him is deeper and goes beyond just the physical.
If Tom doesn’t bring it up again, it should fade away over time. If he does bring it up again, you made need to reach out and ask him to knock it off. (You can frame it as bothering you instead of your husband to preserve peace at work.)
Post # 15
You’ve got yourself in a pickle here. I’m not going to lecture you on what was said and all that jazz. Hindseight is always 20/20, but now you’ve got to fix this some how. Now that your husand knows your sex life in a much deeper level, with your pervious partners, John may be feeling less than a man. Here is a stranger to him, that’s been with you in more intimate ways than he has. So you could try to livin up your sex life with John, by getting down in some pretty crazy places: skinny dipping, roadside sex, public bathroom sex, elevator sex, etc. You’ve got to ensure your husband he is the bigger man, that you want him, and not to be threatend by Tom’s stories.
Talk to your husband. This is something that can manifest and get really really bad. I’d hate to see your relationship fall apart over this.