(Closed) My husband asked to buy a toy for $1K. I refused due to cost. Am I unreasonable?

posted 1 year ago in Money
Post # 61
Member
5757 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

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paula461 :  I’m not saying you go for no reason, nor am I saying you shouldn’t go, but you mention going to restaurants multiple times a month so it adds up. My point is you both spend money on things you enjoy and you both view the other’s spending as pointless and something to be cut out.  That is your problem.  If you add up the things you enjoy spending money on vs him it looks like it could come out fairly even.

Oh come on, even AUD 14k on a vacation isn’t “cheap”. People can spend on whatever they like on whatever but justifying 14k as cheap for a holiday just because other people spend 20k is insane.

Does he value traveling to Europe as much as you? 

I’m not saying he needs to be spending 7k on hobbies every year, but I think you need to look at the full picture and sort out your spending together.  I think it is unfair to only look at his and decide it is unnecessary because it is a “toy” without considering all other spending. 

Post # 64
Member
939 posts
Busy bee

See, what many of us are trying to say is that it’s okay to spend fun-money, even when you need a bigger savings or have a mortgage to pay off. Life is short, the grind can get pretty exhausting, we all like to (/need to) splurge now and then and enjoy ourselves…but it needs to be done responsibly. It doesn’t really matter *what* you’re spending your fun money on, and rather *how much* you can spend. You like $80 sugar scrubs and he likes “toys”, you both like what you like and that’s perfectly fine, but you both need to find your limit and spend within that. The past few pages are full of Bees encouraging you to make a budget together…have you discussed that with him yet? If you both know you each get 2k to splurge with, for example, you shouldn’t have to be asking each other for permission to buy things, and judging each other’s purchases, as long as it’s within that 2k limit. 

Post # 65
Member
8258 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Your attitude is very telling. If it benefits YOU, its totally fine to blow $14k in a few weeks, $100 face creams, expensive dinners that your husband doesnt even want. But your husband wants to spend some money and you chastise him like a child. Why do you have such a power trip over your husband? 

Post # 66
Member
5517 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2019 - Paris, France

Get separate accounts! Put your money into yours and his into his. You both deposit money into your joint account for the bills. Then spend your own money as you wish. Oh- and get a post nupt that states all money in your accounts remains as yours. 

Post # 67
Member
452 posts
Helper bee

A vacation to Europe is a want, not a necessity. You didn’t NEED to go there at all, so you spent that $14k because you wanted to. Why is it ok for you to spend money on things you want and value, but it isn’t ok for your husband to spend on things he wants and values? Why are your wants important and defendable but his are dismissed as frivolous? 

This is why you need to have a budget with discretionary spending money for each of you that the other isn’t allowed to judge how it’s spent.

Post # 68
Member
2696 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

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paula461 :  Your hesitation to make a discretionary budget doesn’t make sense. You’re going to use spending money on purchases. That’s going to happen regardless, and it’s happening right now. The only difference with making a budget is that you’ll have a set amount in place, which could limit spending and will allow you to know how much is being used in that way each pay period or month. 

There’s no good reason not to budget this out. You’re not going to be spending more or be more likely to spend if it’s budgeted out.

ETA: Every adult, no matter the country or circumstances, should have a budget. Every single adult. That’s just basic financial responsibility.  

Post # 69
Member
3220 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

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paula461 :  wowza, we went to Europe from the western US for 10 days and spent about $3500-4000 total, including flights.  And that was staying in nice apartment AirBnBs and houses.  Just sayin 🙂

I do understand not wanting to make a budget… my husband and I don’t have one either as it just seems like too much of a hassle.  But, we are relatively aligned on our views on spending and our respective spending amounts.  In your case, it seems like you need some boundaries that you two have both agreed upon, so it seems necessary.

And no, I realllllly don’t think you deserve more spending money because you make $30k more than him.  My husband makes at least twice as much as me, but he’d never say he deserves more of that money than I do…. how disrespectful to a partnership.

Post # 70
Member
241 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2021 - Smoky Mountains

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zzar45 :  Regarding the $7k: I read that as they have a $7k/month cost, not that they have paid it down and only have $7k remaining.

If they only have $7k left to pay, I have no idea why they wouldn’t be in agreement to just throw their discretionary income straight toward an emergency fund (which I said is a must no matter where they are at financially, since they have no savings at this time per OP post), along with paying off their mortgage ASAP. Not taking expensive vacations or buying $1,000 toys when that money could knock out a debt and free them financially! Live like no one else now so that you can live like no one else later.

 

My post and my comments still stand. Create a budget together, build emergency fund right away, build savings account of 3-6 months expenses after that, pay off all debts ASAP, don’t spend frivolously, set aside a budget for entertainment/fun that both agree upon which still allows them to build their financial future while enjoying some fun things too.

Post # 71
Member
241 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2021 - Smoky Mountains

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paula461 :  There are ways to travel and bet budget conscious.

Fiance and I both got roundtrip flights to Barcelona for $700 total — that is for TWO tickets, to get there and to return home… $350/ticket each. This is because we have researched how to buy plane tickets at the right time for incredible deals. For our lodging, we researched and waited for Airbnb cost that met our goal and now have *one week* in a whole apartment to ourselves, in Barcelona and ten minutes from the coast — for $400. For two people, we are spending $1100 for flight and accomodations for a week-long European vacation.

 

And it’s not because we are special or have any connections. You just need to be willing to take the time to research, plan ahead, and sometimes be a little patient.

 

It’s your money and you can spend it as you want, but many people here are just trying to express that a budget is a way to make your money work for you, to provide security, to build a solid financial future, AND to be used for fun, travel, and entertainment. A budget makes room for all of these things.

Post # 72
Member
895 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2019 - Country/barn

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rosadiaz :  these are great tips! I’m the saver and my husband is the spender. I think this could work for us too 

Post # 73
Member
915 posts
Busy bee

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paula461 :  It seems you don’t want to set a budget. I think you both should come to an agreement together on what is reasonable discretionary spending. That money can be dispersed to each of you once a  month (auto transfer perhaps). I think equal amounts would be reasonable. It seems you have been holding making more money over his head. That could soon lead to relationship breakdown. His request to come up with a budget is very sensible.

 

If you want him to work more that is a different issue that should be addressed. If you prefer to work your life away and he wants to actually enjoy his when he’s not working, there is a fine line.

Post # 75
Member
8258 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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paula461 :  Many of my girlfriends who make much less money than me but married well or to someone established have gone many times to Europe and have spent much more.

You sound like such a petty bitter person =\

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