My husband can be clingy- how to tell him in a nice way I need space

posted 2 months ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
6161 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

If you can establish your needs with your husband in an honest and open way, then he can get comfortable with the fact that you needing your space doesn’t mean you do not love him.

I can be really terse in how I communicate my needs and thoughts at times. A lot of men would be uncomfortable with that. My husband, on the other hand, just spontaneously and laughingly told me last week “Sweetheart, I love how curt you are.” because he knows me and is certain of my love for him, even when I’m done talking to him on the phone in a particular moment and I tell him that.

If your husband can understand “My needs are not against you; they are FOR me.” then you will have more leeway to be yourself. And maybe you’ll be less frustrated when him being himself has him being a little more clingy than you would prefer.

Post # 17
Member
6441 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

I’m not sure how people automatically jump to “controlling behavior!!” when a guy calls or texts a lot. Some people are just needy; that’s not inherently evil unless there’s other things to indicate an issue.

I would just be straight with him and tell him that when you’re visiting family, you’re in a different headspace and sometimes you like to get away. So he needs to forgive you for not picking up everytime he calls or responding each time he texts. Or tell him outright that your lunchtime is too short to eat AND talk with him, so you will catch up when you get home. That seems fair to me.

I remember Dh used to call me at lunch while I was at work, and I would answer the phone and pretty much ask him what he wanted. He would say he just wanted to chat. After a few minutes I would tell him I needed to go, and he would suddenly get to the point. I finally laid into him after work one day and told him I had limited time, I had asked him what was up and he didn’t tell me, and that if he called me at work in the future, he had to GET TO THE POINT or not call. He didn’t call to just chat in the future. Simple. 

Post # 18
Member
9672 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

I didn’t use the word “evil” and I didn’t jump to controlling. You are putting a tone into my post that definitely wasn’t there. It’s obviously not enough information to make any assumptions on but it’s not just excessive texting, it’s calling as well. And maybe he is just needy but it’s also a very common early behavior of abusers and it’s important for women to keep an eye out for warning signs in their relationships.

Theres absolutely no harm in pointing it out. I didn’t suggest OP run or take any drastic actions. Just pay attention to how he reacts to her request for some more space. echomomm :  

Post # 22
Member
1332 posts
Bumble bee

If he has no issue with you going out with friends without him and he’s not controlling in other areas of your life then it just sounds like he’s a bit more needy than you are. I think it’s a bit OTT to call it red flags and suggest he could be an abuser when it sounds like he just wants to spend a bit more time and have more contact with OP than she personally prefers. 

I text with my fiancée throughout the day while I’m at work and sit next to her on my phone or iPad when she’s watching stuff I’m not interested in, so from my perspective he’s not doing anything crazy. The 5 calls over the weekend are a tad excessive from my perspective, but it sounds like it’s because he misses you. 

The best way to approach this situation is with honesty, just say you need more alone time and the repeated calls and texts are distracting and you’d rather speak to him in person than over the phone all day. 

Post # 23
Member
164 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

This was actually a huge issue for myself and my husband. He would tell me that he felt like I didn’t care about him because I didn’t want to spend as much time with him as he did with me. I felt like I could spend 25 hours a day with him and it wouldn’t be enough! We go to couples therapy (highly suggested for everyone!) and I brought up multiple times that my husbands desire to spend so much time together can come off as controlling , isolating, and smothering even though logically I recognize that it comes from a place of love. With support we figured out that our ‘love languages’ are different (sounds cheesy and I totally didn’t buy it at first so I get if you think that sounds ridiculous)-basically he feels loved by spending time together, and I feel loved in other ways. He also grew up in a family that spent every waking second together whereas my family has a lot of downtime. He revealed that he also felt insecure because of all the time I wanted to spend by myself. Therapy has helped us shift the way we attribute motivation to the other person but our biggest agreement was that we try to pick 1-2 activities every day where we have quality conversations and no outside distractions. The rest of our time together can be ‘separate but apart’ (for example he can be watching tv and I can be on the computer) or we can be doing our own thing. It’s helped a lot and I feel like I get a lot more quality time to myself and with my family and friends-plus I’m a lot less resentful!

Post # 24
Member
137 posts
Blushing bee

It’s just been a year of marriage- he might not want to cling to you or be touchy feely as often after a couple of years.

Post # 25
Member
477 posts
Helper bee

I have no idea why people jump to him being so controlling, and it being a red flag. Nothing in her post made it seem like if he was controlling. If she said he gets angry if she goes somewhere without him, fine. But she said nothing like that. 

He does seem like he is more needy than you are obviously. What about when you were dating, was it the same? You know your husband better than any of us ever will so you should know if you saying you need a little bit of me time would hurt his feelings or not. 

Post # 26
Member
1572 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - Location

elderbee :  Lol wtf WHY do you feel sorry for women accompanied by men in stores? I don’t mind going clothes shopping with my husband at all…no pity needed 🤔

Post # 27
Member
137 posts
Blushing bee

jayrock :  I guess many women would rather go clothes shopping with other women or alone? 

Post # 29
Member
793 posts
Busy bee

Nothing of what you described in your post OP sounds abnormal to me (I haven’t read any responses) that being said… just talk to him. Just explain you love him but you feel suffocated. You deserve to have your boundaries respected.

Post # 30
Member
140 posts
Blushing bee

anonymouse88 :  He might be clingy because he doesn’t have much of a support system with that kind of tough family situation. Perhaps you could address the issues that affect you the most and leave out the rest for now? For example, you could start with talking about the calls at work.

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