My husband can be clingy- how to tell him in a nice way I need space

posted 2 months ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
1582 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - Location

saturnian :  totally, and I often prefer shopping alone, but I don’t feel *sorry* for women who are accompanied by men…how weird is that?

Post # 32
Member
306 posts
Helper bee

Wow people are a bit extreme! I can’t believe people actually thought this was a red flag and meant there might be future control issues?! He just sounds like he likes his wife lmao. It’s totally fine however to want different levels of communication throughout the day, just tell him! 

Post # 33
Member
1546 posts
Bumble bee

Lol @ red flag. What ISN’T considered a red flag on weddingbee, seriously?

Just tell him to tone it down (but be kind about it). He may think you like all the attention he is giving you. Or he may not realize how annoying he is being. Some people are just chatty and feel connected by way of constant communication. 

Post # 34
Member
250 posts
Helper bee

She wrote that he doesn’t annoy her when she’s out with friends. A controlling guy would try to cut off friends or dictate when she meets them. Clearly not the case here.

Post # 35
Member
8327 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I didn’t really mean to sound as if l actually pitied them, l just often see (usually older women ) looking a bit sad and harassed with husbands pulling dresses and even underwear for them and feel they would like to have chosen for themselves or with friends. 

I don’t see at as at all ‘weird’ as a pp , said to fear they may be being somewhat controlled. I don’t mean young and confident women. I’d rather be alone or with my sister or friends for clothes shopping and l guess l think most women would too, , that’s all. 

jayrock :  

Post # 36
Member
688 posts
Busy bee

Sounds like anxious attachment –

A talk about both of your needs might help.

– what would give you the space you need  

– what would have him feel safe and connected

 

Post # 37
Member
152 posts
Blushing bee

Was he the same before marriage?

Post # 38
Member
3420 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

chocolateplease :  right? How dare people have mismatched needs for intimacy! Lol 

I am all for picking out red flags when I see them, but holy Jesus, not everything is a red flag! Wanting affection and attention aren’t red flag. *Demanding* more than your partner is comfortable with is. Doesn’t sound like OPs husband is demanding or controlling. He just craves more affection than she does and they need to figure out how to balance that. 

Post # 40
Member
10705 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

anonymouse88 :  

That was going to be my question; did he ratchet up the clinging after you married him.  This does make it more concerning.  

A lot will turn on how he handles your discussion.  If he genuinely hears you and can accept and respect your need for less contact, problem solved.

If not, I would have a problem with him.

Post # 41
Member
143 posts
Blushing bee

Did you bring the issue up with your husband yet?

Post # 42
Member
472 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

anonymouse88 :  Yeah plenty of the bees are overreacting.

I am like you.  I would hate for my husband to call or text me while at work, unless he needed something.  I see him that evening!  I also would not want to sit and watch something I wasn’t interested in.

But I have colleagues that text back and forth with their SO all day and do good morning texts and stuff, so I understand that different levels of communication are needed for different people. 

I think you need to bring communication up with him in general.  Ask him what his needs are, what he wants to get out of it.  Then you explain yours.  Then you reach a compromise.  Maybe you send him a text at lunch, but he drops the other texts and the phonecalls?  Maybe you use his sports time as “you” time. 

Neither of you are wrong, you just have to work towards reaching a middle ground where both of your needs are met. 

Post # 44
Member
95 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2021 - Toronto, Ontario

anonymouse88 :  Hi Bee, I know this was posted about a month ago and it seems like you solved it recently, but I want to bring up something to your attention. This may not be the case for you guys necessarily, but it definitely was/still is (it’s never 100% solved) for us.

What you described your husband it sounded word for word EXACTLY like me. I used to/ still sometimes do the same things. Call, text, etc. 

I suffer from separation anxiety. I only found out fairly recently that this terrible feeling I’ve been dealing with my whole life actually has a name and that I’m not alone in the world. Separation anxiety is almost impossible to understand from a partner’s perspective. My FH just could not make sense of it and was really bothered and frustrated about not getting the space he needed. 

For me, it is a sense of safety when my partner is around, and a TERRIBLE AWFUL feeling of distress when he is not. My psychologist explained that it is actually a biological “caveman” reaction. Our partners or loved ones are our safety blankets and then when they are away it becomes scary and distressing. People with separation anxiety have a hard time connecting their “reptile” brain to the modern brain. Often, this anxiety is linked to past experiences, especially from childhood. 

The reason I am bringing this up is that, before I went to see my psychologist – I just thought of myself as a “crazy clingy annoying gf” ..and so did my now FH. For some reason, he put up with that for so long..lol..I thought that’s who I was and he just has to accept me for my crazy self. 

FH would get so frustrated, and annoyed (similar to you I feel) and we had a talk and I decided I would try to be less annoying. This lasted a couple of months MAX. When you said that he doesn’t call you at work anymore, text, etc., I got a REALLY heartwrenching feeling. I remember being in that position (like a year ago).. where I would hold myself back..and a few months later I just exploded in a full out breakdown that caused a massive argument. It’s taken many psychologist visits for my FH and me to understand what is going on with me. We had a conversation just the other day, where he told me how before he just didn’t understand why I was acting the way I was acting when I knew for a fact I was being unreasonably clingy. He now understands the reason behind these actions and what this disorder is all about. 

Again, this may or may not be the case, but from what I gathered it sounds a lot like my experience.

I would advise you both to do some research on separation anxiety, because if that happens to be the case – He is not being clingy…it is a WHOLE OTHER BALL GAME! Separation anxiety takes a lifetime to fix (I am significantly better now, but still struggling). It takes the BOTH of you to work on it and understand each other. 

I’m sorry this is a long Too Much Information post.. but I know what it’s like to be in this situation and it is awful. 

 

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