My husband continues to say he will do stuff but not follow through.

posted 3 weeks ago in Married Life
Post # 2
Member
75 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Tell him in a calm voice “Don’t be sorry. Be better.” Then walk away. 

Post # 3
Member
4952 posts
Honey bee

What is he so busy doing that he can’t manage a load of wash? If you say video games, I’ll straight up tell you to leave him.

Post # 4
Member
163 posts
Blushing bee

It’s one thing being lazy but being rude to you about it is even worse… 

Post # 5
Member
1246 posts
Bumble bee

Stop doing his stuff. If he runs out of clean laundry because he’s too lazy to run a load, then I guess he’s out of luck. 

He has NO incentive to make a permanent change and start equally participating because the stuff keeps getting done- by you.

Nothing boils my blood like a messy husband post, or a post like this when the woman runs around doing all the household chores when the man gets to hang with his friend, waste time on video games, or sleeping in, etc.

Stop doing everything or just do your own stuff. He’ll get the message pretty quickly.

Post # 6
Member
832 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

They say marriages don’t usually end over big things, but lots of little things.  
You can’t change him.  He probably doesn’t ‘see it’. He focuses on something else.  Either find a way to work around his faults or try counseling.  
If he’s good about doing x, y, and z then play to those strengths and give up getting him to care about a, b, and c.  If he starts the laundry will you finish it? – that sort of thing.

What you’re doing isn’t working.  I would be pulling my hair out too.  You are not his maid or his mother. I’m sorry you’re going through this

Post # 7
Member
964 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

Stop picking up after him and stop asking. He’ll figure it out

As a clutterbug myself, I say his issues stem from lack of empathy and lack of mindfulness. You can’t fix the first, but there are classes that help with the second. Mindfulness, meditation, yoga, that kind of thing

His occasionally rude responses to you tell me that he doesn’t know or care about the mental load you carry. Instead of telling him to do something, have you tried telling him WHY it matters so much to you? 

My mom nagged, yelled, and berated me all my life about household chores. I tuned her out and did it begrudgingly only when asked, because even when I did do a chore, I’d get yelled at for not doing it right. Damned if I did, damned if I didn’t.

FH’s positive reinforcement worked really well for me. He told me he didn’t like doing laundry or dishes, but he did them because they had to be done. He can’t focus when the house is a mess. I still leave a trail wherever I go, but I really try to make a point of loading the dishwasher, folding the laundry, and scooping the litter so it doesn’t all fall on FH. 

Post # 8
Member
5398 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

Get a chore calendar out and hang it on the fridge. Highlight his weekly chores. Forgetting is not an excuse.

Post # 10
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee

If you end up doing the chores for him in the end then why would he bother? There is no consequence for him here other than you yelling at him and frankly that’s not very motivating for an adult. 
Do your own laundry (and you kids if you have them) but put his into a basket in the laundry room and tell him he is responsible for his own stuff until he gets it that he has to contribute too. Do this repeatedly every time he stops doing his share. Maybe if he goes to work in dirty socks he will remember no?

Post # 11
Member
6783 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

Tell him since he can’t or won’t be an equally contributing member of the household that cares for and shelters him, he’s got to go live in the garage or something. You’ll call him inside when you want some dick. 😛 (J/NJ).

My husband is (and remains) a sloppy person with indoor hurricane habits. I’ve noticed, though, that working together on things has helped him learn some of the skills he didn’t learn growing up. So, we’ll do things like fold laundry together (and have our son join in, too) while watching a comedy special or family show. Then, the things he doesn’t mind (or likes) doing on his own, I leave almost entirely to him or let him take the lead – like cooking and washing dishes. He does still need to be reminded and will slack off after a while of doing great, but he is much improved (and I’ve also relaxed quite a bit, too).

Are there areas where your husband already does great where you can ADD more for him to do, or have him take the lead more? I noticed that when I started asking my husband to do more tasks that are in his wheelhouse (like building things for me and reno projects), I was much less irritated about his weaknesses in the cleaning arena and he was happy to do something he knew would absolutely make me happy.  He constantly has a nice looooooooong Honey Do list, now 😉 and every weekend, he asks me “Sweetie, do we have any projects this week?” And since I’ve been more appreciative of him doing things I can’t do on my own, he’s been more open to doing more of the things where he completes them “imperfectly.”

Lastly, I agree with separating out his laundry and only doing your own. I would also give him two sets of his own raggedy towels and tell him to use those and not to touch the others – the nice towels are for the inside dwellers, not the garage trolls. It’s not ideal, but it’s better than having to keep after him like a mother child situation. That’s exhausting and terrible for arousal and intimacy.

Post # 12
Member
2 posts
Wannabee

View original reply
Mermaidmimmyof3 :  

 

Is it feasible to take a vacation by yourself? Consider a period of time that is at least 3 days. 

you get to disconnect mentally (hopefully) and physically (definitely) from the issues. 

He gets to find out if he does things on his own pace, or not at all.

Post # 13
Member
4607 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

View original reply
Mermaidmimmyof3 :  I’m honestly not one to recommend being petty but in this circumstance I think it is a valid way to make a point. Seriously start only cooking for yourself and the kids, wash only your dishes/clothes etc. Buy only what you and the kids use at the shops. Any mess or job he leaves undone like laundry etc, pick it up and put it in the backseat of his car. It will make for a tense few weeks but hopefully it will make him realise how much of the physical and mental burden you pick up to keep your whole family’s lives in order because he decides to shirk his share of the responsibility.

I get that some people are naturally less particular about certain life chores and may be a procrastinator by nature but he crosses the line when he starts giving you back chat and attitude when you get upset by his lack of follow through in ‘adulting’. You are not his mother and he chose to have children and as part of being a parent you have to be responsible and take on the fair share of the work involved in raising them. He isn’t doing the right thing by you or his children and when being called out for it, he gives you attitude and sass. That is not good enough. 

Post # 14
Member
122 posts
Blushing bee

Stop doing everything for him. Only do things for yourself and your kids. 

Post # 15
Member
727 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

I find that giving my husband a choice works quite well. Like, I’ll say ‘we need to wash dishes and fold laundry, which one do you want to do?’ and then we’ll both do our task at the same time. 

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors