My husband continues to say he will do stuff but not follow through.

posted 3 months ago in Married Life
Post # 16
Member
191 posts
Blushing bee

I could have written this post myself! I have a husband who does the same thing; you ask him to do something and he’ll forget, or put it off. But hell, if I say “finish the laundry” and he does it 3 weeks later, hes technically “finished the laundry”. I hate that response. Obviously I want you to do it NOW. 

My therapist said to use this: “when you [do not follow through with what you said you would do], I feel [upset, ignored, rejected, undervalued etc]. My request is [that when you say you are going to do something, you follow through with it till it’s completed]. Can you agree to this?” And then you have to wait for them to give you a yes or a no. If they give you a wishy washy answer, its counted as a “no”. Then you say “Ok, the consequences of you not following through with your word will be [I will be dumping all your laundry in the garage/not doing your laundry/not picking up after you/not making dinner for you/not doing your chores for you/etc.” And then do that consequence as soon as you see him not follow through on his word.

I had a crying screaming fight with my SO about this last week and I said that through bubbling snot and tears and so far?? He’s been pretty good. Hope he keeps it up and your man keeps it up too!

 

Good luck!

Post # 17
Member
117 posts
Blushing bee

View original reply
secondtimer18 :  That’s the same technique I use with my toddler 🤦🏻‍♀️

Post # 18
Member
117 posts
Blushing bee

I don’t understand why so many of these “men” get away with being treated like and acting like children. What did he do when he was single and presumably living on his own? I would try the chore chart first I guess, even though he has two eyeballs just like you and can see what needs to be done. I imagine he’ll do the same with the chore chart so maybe scratch that and go straight to only taking care of yourself and the kids like several users have already suggested. 

I wouldn’t be in any kind of a “loving” mood until he started getting his shit done, iykwim.

Post # 19
Member
220 posts
Helper bee

Just commenting to say I have the exact same problem with my husband about following through on promises, chores he’ll say he’ll do etc. It’s really the only thing we fight about and it’s become a huge issue in our marriage. I don’t have any advice, I so so wish I did for my own marriage. But I wanted to add that I don’t think it’s always because your partner is a selfish A-hole as previous posters have suggested.

My husband is one of the most selfless people I know. He spends hours helping me with my work, he gives up his time without second thought when I am sick to support me in hundreds of ways (I have a chronic illness so this is all the time), he gets up early every day so he can wake me up with a up of tea (he doesn’t even drink tea and wouldn’t need to get up for an hour after me) etc. But still every week he never does the things he promises he will around the house, chores etc. Despite reminders. 

Ive come to the realisation it’s because we have a very different natural acceptance for how things ‘should be’. He’d be genuinely happy in an unhoovered, messy house. He’s genuinely happy winging things and scrabbling around at the last minute. The challenge is where all the things he’s agreed to do are things I’ve asked him to do/we’ve ‘jointly’ agreed we will split – but they just don’t stay in his mind as things that need to get done. Any advice for me too would be really appreciated – but it’s not always a matter of selfishness or of ‘letting’ a partner get away with things. 

Post # 20
Member
1304 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Here’s the thing… these men are all employed, which means they’re fully capable of prioritizing asinine/ boring/ routine tasks when necessary.  Some of them are managers themselves, which means they know shit rolls up or downhill when it isn’t taken care of properly by the right person. 

They aren’t blind. They aren’t young children. They are showing you disrespect by CHOOSING the behavior they’re showing.  Start treating it like the disrespect it is with the full blown reaction you’d have if your child, coworker, or anyone else intentionally disrespected you repeatedly. 

Some of you are accepting behavior from your 30/40something year old husbands that you wouldn’t accept from your 12 year old sons.  Yet, you’re teaching those same sons (and daughters) that this is how adult men in heterosexual relationships get to behave. 

Laundry isn’t done? Then it’s trash. Put it in a box at the friggin curb.  His shit is all over? Dump it.  He can’t be bothered to get groceries? Make dinner for yourself and your child.  He can’t be bothered to clean the tub?  Tell him he can’t use it, or get yourself a hotel to take showers. 

This nonsense only stands because it works.  If you won’t do it for yourselves, do it so your daughters see that women don’t have to keep putting up with this shit, and teaching your sons that women aren’t their housekeepers by default.

 —–
And yes, I’ve done this same thing, for the same reason using the same explanation.  I don’t have this problem anymore.   When my mother told me “your father was like that”/ “men are just like that”, a lightbulb went off in my head.  Men are like that because they learned it at home.  I refused to keep this crap going for another generation. 

Get mad, ladies!

 

Post # 22
Member
6919 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

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coffeecakez :  very true. I discard things so regularly in my home that EVERYONE (my mother, my husband AND our son) will ask me if I threw something away if they can’t find it. If you treat it like trash, I will too.

OP – I also agree with the significance of the fact that your kids are watching you two and will be more likely to emulate this dynamic. If you take a drastic action, it won’t just be your husband who will notice. In fact, your kids may receive the message before he does. When I was a young teen, my aunt went on strike. We all found out at a family gathering because one of my cousins piped up and said “Mommy’s not going to do that. She’s on strike.” She stayed in the house but left her husband  to do EVERYTHING. They had three children and a home and responsibilities and she put it all on his plate to make her point. Not only did HER kids notice, *I* always felt that that option (or something else beyond begrudgingly cleaning up after a grown ass man) was available to me because I saw her do that.

It’s not just what your husband gets from this. It’s also what your kids get. And what are they doing around the house to care for the home that protects and nurtures them? They should all have jobs, too.

Post # 23
Member
1444 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2019 - USA

View original reply
SmartCookie1 :  I agree with this advice. If he’s not going to pull his weight, don’t do his share. Don’t let his laziness affect what you need to get done. If you need to do laundry, literally just take his shit out of the wash and leave it in a wet heap on the floor. If you need to do the dishes, take his dishes out of the sink and leave them in a pile on the counter. Do your share and nothing more. Grown ass men don’t get any coddling from me when it comes to being an adult and stepping the F up. 

If this continues and he’s seriously okay with letting things go this far, I would really start to lose respect for him. Especially the fact that he has no respect for your shared household. 

Post # 24
Member
124 posts
Blushing bee

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kia2019 :  For your situation I’d say you need to explain the practical benefits of a clean house to health. He may be happy not doing dishes- point out household vermin will be happy and aattracted to the stuff left on the dishes. Also this seems like a situation where a chore chart would be helpful if put in any obvious place, like the fridge. Highlight his responsibilities. If he has a problem forgetting, he needs to find a tool to help him remember, even if a chore chart doesn’t work for him. It’s not acceptable to forget things all the time at school or work, so we all find ways that help us remember. 

For OP- I agree maybe leaving things on his plate will help, but there have been times the “don’t clean” tactic hasn’t worked because the spouse was perfectly content to let the house get gross and unmanageable. I think you need to explain to your SO that this is a matter of respect and that he’s not a child. It’s unacceptable for him to talk down to you or not do his chores. 

Post # 25
Member
1444 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2019 - USA

View original reply
revonue :  OP has reminded him numerous times (kindly as well) to do his share. His response was first negligence, and second, negligence with a side of eye roll. This guy doesn’t need a chore chart- he needs to grow up. I have no desire to help people who are willfully refusing to help me. I’d rather have a good roommate than have a husband who trashes my house. 

Post # 26
Member
3638 posts
Sugar bee

My exH was exactly like this.  One time he offered to help find someone that we could hire to fix this issue we had in our condo.  All he had to do was find someone to hire (I had set aside the money for this, so it wasn’t a cash issue).  I reminded him every couple of months about it and he would say that he was working on it.  Finally after ONE FULL YEAR of waiting, I took over and found someone and within a week, the project was complete.

He offered to help and it took him a year….you can imagine how he reacted when I asked him to help me with something that he didn’t feel like doing.

I am happy that all of those frustrations are in the past and I feel very #blessed to have met someone who will not only do something right away when I ask him, but also does so many things on his own without any prompting on my part.  

Post # 30
Member
279 posts
Helper bee

I had a husband like that. Had. If they find his body, I’ll be shocked. It’s hidden under the damn pile of laundry he refused to touch. 

ok but srsly, my ex husband pulled this ish and I hired a maid without telling him. He was playing Halo when she showed up and started cleaning around him. He was so embarrassed he asked me why I hired her. I told her I couldn’t handle it and clearly neither could he so I hired the help. He complained about the money, about being embarrassed to have someone else see the state of our messy apt. I told him I needed it clean for my sanity and I didn’t care who helped me: him, or her, but I just needed help. 

long story short he didn’t actually start cleaning, he just embarassedly complained the night before cleaning day n just picked up enough of the mess to not seem like a total slob when she showed up. She was a lifesaver and godsend. He and I divorced shortly thereafter. 

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