(Closed) My husband do not want to compromise. Should I leave our marriage?

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
34 posts

@RedBee123:  It sounds like you already have an answer: he’s put his family over your health and well being. You can’t just “get over it and try to get used to” smoking if you have asthma. I’m not sure how severe yours is (my inhaler lives in my purse), but at best it’s extremely unpleasant. At worst it’s potentially ER visits, and you mention not having much faith in the healthcare system.

He doesn’t sound like he’s willing to budge. Can you see yourself in this same position in 5 or 10 years? If you’re sure about having children, could you imagine raising them in this environment and placing them in the current education system?

Post # 4
2087 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I don’t know what to tell you… 🙁  I feel terrible for the situation you’re in.  It’s easy from the outside to say you should definitely leave and go home… but I know it’s much harder than that when you’re in it. 

Personally, if my husband or SO told me “if you aren’t happy, go home and get a divorce”.. that would tell me that he doesn’t care or value me or our relationship enough to work on it.  In a marriage, you should do everything you can to save it and make it work, but it can’t be one sided.  You want and need a partner who values you more than anything else, who compromises and makes decisions WITH you and not FOR you.  He’s made up his mind and put himself and his needs 100% first and if he loved you deeply, he wouldn’t be able to make such a callous comment…

I think you likely have some serious thinking to do and need to follow your heart, your gut. You only live this life once.  Don’t spend it with someone who isn’t right for you, or in a place you can’t stand…  Life is meant to be lived and enjoyed.  Find what makes you happy and don’t look back

Post # 5
351 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Think about what you want and if he is not willing to compromise, then you have your answer. There comes a point where love has to be paired with respect for it to go anywhere and it sounds like he’s showing you and your future together very little of that. I by no means want to tell you to walk away from a marriage, but it definitely needs to be a sit down, we’re making a decision now whether you like it or not kind of thing. No “well, in 2 years I’ll reconsider”…that just leaves you two years you could have been starting your life for you.

Post # 6
1089 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

It sounds like he made a decision and if you are not willing to conform, you have your answer.

I also think it’s screwed up (to say the least) that he would (1) fall back on his word and manipulate you into moving there with him in the first place (2) choose being with his family over his own wife’s health.

Post # 7
804 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

@soy:  +1, sadly. This is a fucked up situation.

Post # 8
7437 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

@soy:  +1

He sounds like a complete ass, and I’m sorry he’s put you in this position. He doesn’t sound like much of a man to me.

Post # 9
208 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Oh, I’m so sorry OP.  Have you told him that this is something you absolutely don’t want for your future?  I think he may be discounting your feelings because he can give himself a BS line like “Well, she’s fine living here for three years, she’ll be fine longterm” – ignoring the fact that it’s not what you WANT.  For whatever reason it seems he’s made his choice, but I know it must be terrifying to imagine actually leaving him.  Can you go stay with your family or friends in Australia and re-group for a while?  I mean, if you’re seriously planning to leave, maybe letting him know what’s on your mind and that you’ll be making arrangements soon unless his stance on this changes, and leaving for a month long stay in Australia would wake him up to the fact that he’s going to lose you with this attitude he has now.  Maybe that would shake him out of this and working towards a solution?  Either way, good luck on doing what you know is right – for yourself and those kids you mention wanting some day – whatever that is. 

Post # 10
1177 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@RedBee123: He said I should get over it and try to get used to it and if I’m not happy here I should just go back to Aus and get divorced.

That’s not what a loving husband says to his wife. He’s made his choice, and it’s not you. Now you have to make yours, and based on your post, I’d say go.

Post # 11
1508 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

Maybe he’s calling your bluff?

Post # 12
1655 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I would leave. I have pretty bad asthma too, and Fiance would NEVER do anything to put me in harm’s way. Your husband seems like he has picked his family over you (even though you technically are his family). I say don’t risk your health to stay in China with him. He is being unreasonable. Hopefully it works out and he decides not to stay but if not, it’s time to do some serious thinking regarding if you want to stay with him or not.

Post # 13
2874 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

mmmm is this partly a cultural thing though? i think in china involvement in family is far greater than what we’re maybe used to and supporting parents and extended relatives is a given

the problem is, taking smoking out of the equation – OP isn’t happy in china but equally OP’s husband isn’t happy in australia. so either way someone is going to be miserable

actually if you get good health insurance china does have some fabulous health care which is a bonus. pollution and smoking – yeah fair enough. i lived in china for a few years and it was pretty bad

not sure in this case what the middle ground would be

Post # 14
322 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I’m sorry, but the minute he told you to suck up your health issues or move home and get a divorce your marriage was over. Telling you to put your health issues aside is beyond unacceptable, and it sounds like he frankly just doesn’t care. I’m so sorry that you’re in this position, but you can’t stay in a foreign country you hate with a man who doesn’t care and who won’t ever put you first.

I know some of this may be cultural, but is that enough to keep you there? It wouldn’t be for me. 

Post # 15
8695 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

I was going to say ‘no, dont get a divorce’ and then I continued reading and he basically says he doesnt care. I am sooo sorry but he sounds like an ignorant jerk. I say do what you have to do.

Post # 16
2555 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I think you already know if you wanna leave. 🙂 

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