Post # 1
My Chinese husband and I moved to China 2 years ago to help his parents with their business. He said we were only staying here for a few years so that he can save money so we can open a business in our home Australia. Now, he is saying that he is happy in China and he wants to stay here for more than 10 yrs and possibly forever. He also needs to support his family and all his relatives by working with his parents. He said he is not happy in Australia anyway. The problem is, I am not happy to live in China cause of the environment, smoking anywhere, health system, and worried about education system for our future child. (no kids yet nor preggy). We love each other so much but he’s pretty much decided that he wants to stay here in China. I really don’t. 3 yrs maybe, but not forever. I told him my concern but he’s pretty much decided. He said we can possibly go back to Aus when his relatives have passed away as he needs to support them all. I have asthma so I can’t stand people smoking. He said I should get over it and try to get used to it and if I’m not happy here I should just go back to Aus and get divorced. Apart from this, he treats me well and we love each other. I’m so confused and don’t know what to do. I hope someone here can give me some advice so I can see clearly and decide. Thank you.
Post # 3
@RedBee123: It sounds like you already have an answer: he’s put his family over your health and well being. You can’t just “get over it and try to get used to” smoking if you have asthma. I’m not sure how severe yours is (my inhaler lives in my purse), but at best it’s extremely unpleasant. At worst it’s potentially ER visits, and you mention not having much faith in the healthcare system.
He doesn’t sound like he’s willing to budge. Can you see yourself in this same position in 5 or 10 years? If you’re sure about having children, could you imagine raising them in this environment and placing them in the current education system?
Post # 4
I don’t know what to tell you… 🙁 I feel terrible for the situation you’re in. It’s easy from the outside to say you should definitely leave and go home… but I know it’s much harder than that when you’re in it.
Personally, if my husband or SO told me “if you aren’t happy, go home and get a divorce”.. that would tell me that he doesn’t care or value me or our relationship enough to work on it. In a marriage, you should do everything you can to save it and make it work, but it can’t be one sided. You want and need a partner who values you more than anything else, who compromises and makes decisions WITH you and not FOR you. He’s made up his mind and put himself and his needs 100% first and if he loved you deeply, he wouldn’t be able to make such a callous comment…
I think you likely have some serious thinking to do and need to follow your heart, your gut. You only live this life once. Don’t spend it with someone who isn’t right for you, or in a place you can’t stand… Life is meant to be lived and enjoyed. Find what makes you happy and don’t look back
Post # 5
Think about what you want and if he is not willing to compromise, then you have your answer. There comes a point where love has to be paired with respect for it to go anywhere and it sounds like he’s showing you and your future together very little of that. I by no means want to tell you to walk away from a marriage, but it definitely needs to be a sit down, we’re making a decision now whether you like it or not kind of thing. No “well, in 2 years I’ll reconsider”…that just leaves you two years you could have been starting your life for you.
Post # 6
It sounds like he made a decision and if you are not willing to conform, you have your answer.
I also think it’s screwed up (to say the least) that he would (1) fall back on his word and manipulate you into moving there with him in the first place (2) choose being with his family over his own wife’s health.
Post # 7
@soy: +1, sadly. This is a fucked up situation.
Post # 8
He sounds like a complete ass, and I’m sorry he’s put you in this position. He doesn’t sound like much of a man to me.
Post # 9
Oh, I’m so sorry OP. Have you told him that this is something you absolutely don’t want for your future? I think he may be discounting your feelings because he can give himself a BS line like “Well, she’s fine living here for three years, she’ll be fine longterm” – ignoring the fact that it’s not what you WANT. For whatever reason it seems he’s made his choice, but I know it must be terrifying to imagine actually leaving him. Can you go stay with your family or friends in Australia and re-group for a while? I mean, if you’re seriously planning to leave, maybe letting him know what’s on your mind and that you’ll be making arrangements soon unless his stance on this changes, and leaving for a month long stay in Australia would wake him up to the fact that he’s going to lose you with this attitude he has now. Maybe that would shake him out of this and working towards a solution? Either way, good luck on doing what you know is right – for yourself and those kids you mention wanting some day – whatever that is.
Post # 10
@RedBee123: He said I should get over it and try to get used to it and if I’m not happy here I should just go back to Aus and get divorced.
That’s not what a loving husband says to his wife. He’s made his choice, and it’s not you. Now you have to make yours, and based on your post, I’d say go.
Post # 11
Maybe he’s calling your bluff?
Post # 12
I would leave. I have pretty bad asthma too, and Fiance would NEVER do anything to put me in harm’s way. Your husband seems like he has picked his family over you (even though you technically are his family). I say don’t risk your health to stay in China with him. He is being unreasonable. Hopefully it works out and he decides not to stay but if not, it’s time to do some serious thinking regarding if you want to stay with him or not.
Post # 13
mmmm is this partly a cultural thing though? i think in china involvement in family is far greater than what we’re maybe used to and supporting parents and extended relatives is a given
the problem is, taking smoking out of the equation – OP isn’t happy in china but equally OP’s husband isn’t happy in australia. so either way someone is going to be miserable
actually if you get good health insurance china does have some fabulous health care which is a bonus. pollution and smoking – yeah fair enough. i lived in china for a few years and it was pretty bad
not sure in this case what the middle ground would be
Post # 14
I’m sorry, but the minute he told you to suck up your health issues or move home and get a divorce your marriage was over. Telling you to put your health issues aside is beyond unacceptable, and it sounds like he frankly just doesn’t care. I’m so sorry that you’re in this position, but you can’t stay in a foreign country you hate with a man who doesn’t care and who won’t ever put you first.
I know some of this may be cultural, but is that enough to keep you there? It wouldn’t be for me.
Post # 15
I was going to say ‘no, dont get a divorce’ and then I continued reading and he basically says he doesnt care. I am sooo sorry but he sounds like an ignorant jerk. I say do what you have to do.
Post # 16
I think you already know if you wanna leave. 🙂