My husband doesn’t eat dinner

posted 2 years ago in Married Life
Post # 17
Member
854 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2019

If those are the details I think you have the right to be hurt and should communicate that to him.  I know it’s one thing if I choose to cook on my own volition, but if I’m doing it specifically to cater to the other person’s needs and they then turn around and say they are not hungry, yes I would be frustrated.  Also, is he sharing any of the cooking needs?  If he is the one specifically requesting and thinks it’s important he should definitely be helping, especially since it gives you more flexibility of who is handling baby care and who is doing the cooking.

Post # 18
Member
2535 posts
Sugar bee

Sounds like it’s time to bust out the crock pot, get some slow cooker recipes, and take a lot of the stress off. 

Can do stews, soups, roasts, chicken… all sorts of things that can have the house smelling great all day, but not require huge amounts of efforts. 

That and do things like make a huge lasagna, cut into portions and freeze. Then you can heat up on the fly. 

Get creative! Dinner is a pain for everyone!

Post # 19
Member
1004 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I would get frustrated with my husband too when he did stuff like that. Eventually he “learned” to have a lighter lunch, or text me and say he ate a lot, can we move dinner back a bit?

Post # 20
Member
150 posts
Blushing bee

Ok to not be hungry or not eat dinner but he should have told you before you started with the cooking, he seems to be acting like a kid. I wouldn’t make a big effort to cook for him again. I would make something simple for myself.

Post # 21
Member
2412 posts
Buzzing bee

Given that you have a new baby, I don’t think either of you needs to be spending half the day in the kitchen cooking time-consuming dinners.  Crock pots, insta-pots, casseroles, etc.  

I also recommend trying to remove emotion from the notion of sitting down to eat dinner together. My SO and I don’t always eat dinner at the same time due to different schedules. One thing that has worked for us is if the person who doesn’t want to eat will make a cup of tea or pour a glass of wine and sit and keep the hungry person company while they eat.  You might try that.

Post # 22
Member
9135 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

I kinda don’t see the big deal. I cook and then realize when I’m done that I don’t really want any of it and most of it ends up in the fridge. Leftovers are a wonderful thing in our home — they always get eaten eventually and save us a ton of time in later days, so it’s not a wasted time/effort spent cooking in the first place. If there are things you make that you can’t save for another day, then I’d just ask Darling Husband first whether he’s going to have any before making it.

No matter if we eat different things at different times, we always keep one another company at the table though.

Post # 23
Member
79 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

I’m going to disagree with the majority of posters here who say its not a big deal. I’m a person that really does care about eating together as a rule. I grew up in a household that ate dinner together every single week night and plan to do the same when I have kids.
When Fiance and I first started living together, he would sometimes eat before he got home or not want to wait for dinner to cook. I just ended up having a conversation with him about how important dinner was to me. I now wait until he gets home to decide whether to grab something quick or cook a meal. This seems to work for us. It sounds like you guys just need to communicate better!

Post # 24
Member
1305 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

I second the bee that suggested cooking a batch of food on the weekend together and freezing individual portions in tupperwares. I do that with chili, soups, spagetti sauce, etc.

Post # 25
Member
1004 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Would it help if you guys set a “dinner time” that works for your whole family? That’s what we finally did when I would get frustrated when I didn’t know when my husband would be home from work (varied 30+ minutes sometimes) and finally I said we eat at 6:30, if your butt isn’t out of your desk chair by 6pm, then it’s your responsibility to text me to tell me you’re running late. NOT when you leave (bad habit of his – but come on, it’s not rocket science to look at the clock, realize you’re still sitting down, and either leave or text the wife).

Post # 26
Member
2927 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

I think dinner issues are pretty common.

My husband works rotating shifts. One week he’ll be on day shift, the next midday (like a swing shift), then evenings then overnights. Then the cycle repeats, and to make things crazier, sometimes he’ll work a weird shift in between (like on his week of middays he’ll work an evening shift). So we need to plan meals ahead of time.

My husband likes to cook so sometimes he will go all out and make a complicated meal. Depending on my day, sometimes I grab a late lunch and I’m truly not hungry when he wants to eat. But if he put the effort into cooking then I will eat with him. We’re pretty good with leftovers so even if I don’t eat a lot we’ll eat it up the next day. But I think it’s pretty crappy that your husband asked you to cook and then he didn’t eat.

One of my friends went through this with her husband. She would go all out and make a Food Network worthy meal and her husband either wouldn’t eat or would just pick at it. Her resentment came out in an argument (wrong way to discuss it) but it fortunately did lead to a conversation about expectations. For her husband, it wasn’t about having a fancy meal, it was more about just not eating out. So for him, rotisserie chicken or pasta with frozen meatballs was fine for dinner. She felt relieved she didn’t have the pressure of coming up with something special.

I’m sure your husband’s depression has something to do with his lack of appetite. You’ve also gone through a lot of changes with a new baby. I agree with the others that you need to sit done and come up with a plan for when you’re going to meal prep and what days you want to have a sit down meal. I also agree that one pot meals/skillet meals are your friend. Don’t overthink this.

Post # 27
Member
385 posts
Helper bee

loden :  my Darling Husband and I don’t like a lot of the same stuff, so if I always tried to come up with something we both like, it wold either be the same few things we both do like over and over again, or it would be these time consuming meals. We recently relocated for his job, so i am out of work for a little while, which means I’ve volunteered to take on making dinner. Usually before he leaves in the morning or at some point throughout the day, I’ll ask him what he wants for dinner. If it’s something I don’t like, I usually end up making my own dinner separate from what I make him, but that way we both have leftovers for the next few days, which means I don’t have to make anything knew unless I/we want to. If he can’t make up his mind about what he wants, he just makes himself something when he gets home. 

I, much like your husband, don’t always eat dinner either. I usually either have a late lunch, or I’m simply not hungry at the time that my Darling Husband eats. A lot of the time, I do more of a “snack” for dinner like crackers and cheese or veggies and dip. It is nice when we can eat together, but it’s not something we expect of each other. If it’s the “dinnertime conversation” you’re wanting, he can still sit with you while you eat and you can talk about your days. 

I know it can be frustrating to make a dinner you know he likes only to have him not eat it, but try not to take it personally. Since he does eat the leftovers, it’s clear that he does enjoy your food, he just may not be hungry at the same time you are. I would say you two should probably stick to making your own dinners, or if possible, can he make dinner for the both of you? I’m not sure what his schedule is like, but you seem to work long hours and I think it would probably help the situation if he would cook instead of having that responsibility added to your many. Of course, if his hours are equally as long, you’ll have to maybe switch off and on as to who makes dinner what days, but if my Darling Husband was working 11 hour days and I was working 8, I would offer to make dinner. Similarly, if I was the one working 11 hour days and he was working 8, I would sort of expect him to take over dinner. 

Post # 28
Member
854 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

this might sound terrible… but does he like that dish?  there are times when i’d eat if i loved what was in the kitchen but not if i wasn’t a fan. this is especially true when i’m on the cusp of not being hungry. 

Post # 29
Member
2347 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

Im often the not hungry one in this situation but I always sit down and try a bit/ pick at it and talk with my husband about our days coz that’s important to him. Then leftovers in the fridge. 

I think this is more a relationship issue than a dinner issue 

Post # 30
Member
576 posts
Busy bee

So your husband is behaving exactly like your lo will in a couple of months. Time to start practicing for the future.

Rule 1: Like every good chef, you should only cook things you really like to eat. This way, you are cooking for yourself and can enjoy the meal even if everyone else doesn’t want to eat.

Rule 2: Whoever doesn’t want to eat, doesn’t have to eat, but risks not finding anything left later on.

Rule 3: Family meals occur at a set time, at which everyone should be at the table, whether they eat or not. They are time to socialize, chat about what happened during the day and teach children table manners. Whoever is not at the table at that time / doesn’t eat at that time is responsible for finding his food later on and runs the same risk as above.

Rule 4: The fact that someone doesn’t want to eat your food is not to be taken personally, neither as a reflection of your cooking, nor as the way they value your time. Remember, you cooked something you love, so whether you get to share it with your loved ones, or whether there is more for you, it’s a good outcome.

Rule 5: If someone wants to eat different things from the ones you usually cook, is responsible for learning how to make them, providing the produce necessary and preparing them.

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