(Closed) My husband had a necklace made for me after I told him not to

posted 4 years ago in Married Life
  • poll: Reaction?

    Relax. He gave you a gift. Say thank you and move on.

    This is an unacceptable blatant disregard of your feelings

  • Post # 16
    Member
    2676 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2017

    Can we see it please?

    Post # 17
    Member
    2550 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2014

    Going against the grain but I think you have every right to be upset, I certainly would be. You communicated your wishes clearly and he disregarded them. A nice gesture, when declined, isn’t nice anymore if it’s forced on you. All the more aggravating if you two have joint accounts.

    The issue isn’t the necklace itself obviously, it’s the lack of respect he showed for your autonomy. It’s your body, if you don’t want to wear something he has zero right to make you. I would explain your feelings to him, I assume he acted without malice but he needs to know how you feel. Good luck!

    Post # 18
    Member
    4081 posts
    Honey bee

    I do think it’s rude. if any of these previous posters were in your shoes they’d have conflicted feelings too, I bet. I would be upset to have been ignored and I’d want to know WHY he ignored my wishes. 

    Post # 19
    Member
    6906 posts
    Busy Beekeeper

     

    View original reply
    amygdala :  I vote both – it was thoughtful (in a way) and you’ve got it now, so might as well wear it once in awhile.  But it still warrants a discussion – why bother asking you if he’s just going to disregard what you say?  What if it’s something else in future, like whether your kid can have Cheetos before dinner or go stay at a friend’s house?  Or where you’d like to go on vacation?  It’s not the literal present that is the issue here, it’s the blatant disregard for your feelings, which you say you made very clear.  I wouldn’t be okay with that and agree with 
    View original reply
    theatrejulia :  that it’s time to have a discussion about communication and spending to avoid similar problems in the future.

    Post # 20
    Member
    8021 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2010

    It was rude of him to completely ignore your feelings. Especially as a piece of jewelry- he’d expect you to wear it, not just set it on a shelf somewhere. I’d be annoyed.

    Post # 21
    Member
    87 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: October 2018

    I think it’s understandable to not be ecstatic about a receiving a gift you explicitly stated numerous you did not want. He did ignore your feelings on the matter, so of course your feelings are a little hurt. However, if he usually doesn’t dismiss your wants/feelings then I think you can give him a pass here. He meant well, so appreciate that and wear the necklace occasionally.

    Post # 22
    Member
    786 posts
    Busy bee

    I think it’s funny that so many people are saying “Get over it, just appreciate that he made you a necklace”, when if this were about a custom engagement ring, there would be plenty of people saying that for your SO to go completely against your wishes and design something you’ve said you don’t want, would be a definite sign for concern. These situations are the same. It’s not about him being nice enough to spend money on a custom gift, it’s about him blatantly ignoring her preferences on a present for HER. I would ask him why he did it. 

    Post # 23
    Member
    9832 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: April 2019

    Ok when I saw the thread title I thought humble brag. I was wrong and I’m sorry about that. It is a tricky situation since your husband made it especially for you, spent a good chunk of change and it is not something you would normally wear or particularly like.

    Perhaps talk to him and ask that in future you would like both of you to ask the other before making purchases of $X amount and agree between you. 

    Also, could you try talking to him to see if the necklace could be altered at all to suit you and what your preference is?

    Post # 24
    Member
    216 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2016

    Pictures or it did not happen 

    Post # 25
    Member
    545 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2015

    View original reply
    ArcadiaRose :  My thoughts exactly. 

    I’d be curious to know what in the world he was thinking. Does this exact piece made exactly this way hold some special meaning for the two of you? Then I’d be more willing to give him a bit of a pass – but even then not a full one. It seems like you couldn’t have been more clear that you didn’t like it!

    When things aren’t so fresh I’d definitely bring this up. I’d maybe say that I appreciate the thought he put into having something made but that I would appreciate it more if my thoughts and express wishes are taken into account if he ever does anything like this in the future. And then I’d drag the jewelry out once in a blue moon and maybe he’d realize what a waste it was lol

    Post # 26
    Member
    7638 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    View original reply
    amygdala :  My guess is he misunderstood how strong your feelings were about this. Let it go.

    This sort of thing happens in our marriage from time to time. I think I’ve made it clear that a particular thing is important, but DH doesn’t realise its importance.

    Post # 27
    Member
    1104 posts
    Bumble bee

    Just be grateful and thank him. And, next time something like this happens make sure you’re super clear about why you don’t like something and what you would like instead. It sounds like he was looking at this and you were kind of demurely telling him you didn’t care for it, but maybe he read that as you saying “oh no, you don’t HAVE to get me that!” instead of “oh no, I do not at all like that, get me this other thing instead”. This is a pretty typical male/female misunderstanding. 

    Post # 28
    Member
    11381 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2015

    I don’t think you were unclear. You told him twice you didn’t like it. You wouldn’t wear it. Don’t get it made.

     

    and he did. 

     

    If all is well but this, I’d let it go and in a few weeks start talking about how listening to what your spouse wants is the most moving way to approach a gift. Then lay out some examples of what you want and like. 

    If he often doesn’t listen to you, then you have a communication problem, and that would make this hard to let go of. 

    Post # 29
    Member
    105 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: June 2018

    Idk, I doubt it was an expressed, “i seriously don’t like it, please don’t buy it”.  Sounds like he tried go get something specific to their relationship, and op tried to soften her dislike. And he took it as her just not wanting him to spend money, or feel he had to make a grand gesture. Pretty common, my SO does this sometimes, and I tell him to save the money, literally the thought that counts.

     

    Neither party is wrong, just sit down and discuss it. This is probably a “lost in translation” situation.

    Post # 30
    Member
    7638 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    View original reply
    BalletParker :  There was certainly a communication problem, but I don’t think it’s necessarily his fault; nor can we sure that OP was as clear as she thinks she was.

    I’m reminded of the episode of “Everybody Loves Raymond” where they replay Ray’s and Deborah’s memories of an incident, and they’re very different.

    The topic ‘My husband had a necklace made for me after I told him not to’ is closed to new replies.

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