(Closed) My husband had a necklace made for me after I told him not to

posted 4 years ago in Married Life
  • poll: Reaction?

    Relax. He gave you a gift. Say thank you and move on.

    This is an unacceptable blatant disregard of your feelings

  • Post # 31
    Member
    11381 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2015

    View original reply
    aussiemum1248 :  

    I don’t have any reason to think she misquoted herself, but I agree that two people’s memories can be very different. 

    Post # 32
    Member
    593 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2017

    Also in the minority here, but I’d be super pissed if my fiancé went out of his way to get something I wouldn’t like. A gift isn’t about the giver it’s about the recipient.

    Post # 33
    Member
    19 posts
    Newbee

    Men try to show their appreciation in weird ways. Always appreciate everything they do because if you don’t thats when they stop caring as much.

    Post # 34
    Member
    3040 posts
    Sugar bee

    I’d be annoyed with the fact it was a waste of money (a necklace I would never wear), combined with the total disregard for my taste.

    Post # 35
    Member
    15196 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2011

    I’d be annoyed.  If i told him multiple times and meant it, then I’d be pissed he still wasted money on it.

    Post # 36
    Member
    363 posts
    Helper bee

    I agree with you. Totally weird. Why would he have something made for you after you very clearly told him you didn’t want it? Makes no sense to me. Sounds like one of those situations where he just assumed he knew best. He got an idea in his head and couldn’t let it go. 

    Post # 37
    Member
    7890 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    I bet some of it was lost in translation. When you saw the CAD, I wonder if he’d actually already purchased it at that point too. What’s done is done, but I would talk to him about it. I hate wasting money like that. 

    Post # 39
    Member
    7160 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2016

    I would be annoyed by not being listened to and also because there’s a lot of stuff/experiences I can think of that I actually DO want and I’d prefer that my husband give me those things, not something just to give me something (or something he wants that I have clearly expressed that I do not like).

    In your place I’d speak with him later, when my ire had gone down and ask him what made him decide to move forward with the purchase and what his thought process was when you said do not buy it and that you wouldn’t like it. Finding out more about his perspective might help you feel a bit better (and also avoid a similar miscommunication in the future if that’s what it was).

    All these women on here doing their very best version of mansplaining and basically saying shut up and wear it are proof that we still need feminism, though. If your man is so delicate that he can’t handle having you speak with him about a purchase he made for you that you’d explicitly told him not to, you’ve got bigger issues than a necklace.

    Post # 40
    Member
    9391 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2016

    yeah.. I’d be weirded out and put off.  DH and I are rather proud of our communication and this would be a blow to something we’ve been careful to cultivate and maintain–it’d definitely warrant a conversation.

    Does this hubby knows best thing happen often or is this a total one-off?

    Post # 41
    Member
    7638 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    View original reply
    TwilightRarity :  “All these women on here doing their very best version of mansplaining and basically saying shut up and wear it are proof that we still need feminism, though.”

    I don’t think this has anything to do with feminism or (that word I really don’t like) “mansplaining”? I’d pretty well say the same thing if the gift was from her mother or best friend, and I’d say the same thing if the genders were reversed. (ETA: I do agree it was a communication problem though).

    Post # 42
    Member
    7160 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2016

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    aussiemum1248 :  I said that because of the number of responses I saw that said “Wear it, your husband did a nice thing.” or some version of it as well as the explanation(s) that specifically pertained to how “men” are. If that doesn’t apply to you, feel free to let it go on by. I think those types of comments are dismissive of the facts of the situation:

    Person A told Person B they were going to get something for them. Person B said No thank you. I do not like that. Person A moved forward anyway. Person B said, again, at a different time- Do not get that for me. I do not like it. Person A acquired said item and presented it to Person B anyway.

    No matter the genetalia of the people in the story, Person A comes across as dismissive of Person B’s words- the gift wasn’t about Person B and what they want. It’s about Person A.

    But somehow, the presence of a “husband” in the story makes some women say to appreciate the item because it came from a husband and ignore that he disregarded words that were said to his face on more than one occasion- why is that? Why would women encourage another woman to be okay with her husband dismissing her words just because a penis and a gift are involved? I can understand if the question hadn’t been posed or if the purchase was already made- which is why I said to ask him about it. But your partner ignoring a direct- No, I do not want that – isn’t cool and women telling another woman to stop complaining and wear it isn’t cool either. It’s as dismissive of the poster, IMO, as the husband asking her about something he wants to buy her, being told no, and buying the shit anyway.

    Post # 43
    Member
    56 posts
    Worker bee

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    litttlemisslamb :  That’s not nice, she’s only asking for advice and/or opinions, that’s exactly what this site is for. If you don’t agree say so but do it constructively.

    Personally, I can see why it’s a little irritating as he clearly didn’t listen to you when you told him over again you didn’t like it, I’d find that abit annoying too. Not so much because of the jewellery but just because I was ignored after so robustly stressing that it wasn’t what I would like. It is still incredibly thoughtful and kind though which is a great thing as men can be thoughtless at times so it’s nice he’s not like that. It’s not worth falling out over but when it next comes to an occasion like your birthday or Christmas perhaps stress to him to please take you seriously over these things because you’d hate him to waste his money on something you won’t love.

    Post # 44
    Member
    56 posts
    Worker bee

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    Aimee Victoria :  Even if it’s wrong? They aren’t children, they should be able to take constructive criticism if they’ve done something wrong without it ruining things. A person does not stop caring over that, that’s just madness and if they do ten they’re just immature.

    Post # 45
    Member
    2234 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: February 2016

    So I can kinda see both sides. I’ve wanted to buy my husband something in the past and he’s said no but his word choice and tone made it imply to me that he was just being cautious of money. I genuinely thought he would love it and was saying things like “it doesn’t matter about the cost”, “I want to buy you something nice”. In the end we found something better together but when you’re so excited about a present for them it’s hard to hear no or when you really, really want to do something nice for them it’s hard to hear your idea doesn’t stack up.

    Ny husband wanted to buy a necklace for my birthday and I just didn’t like it. He’d taken the day off work and gone shopping and seen this necklace he thought would match my engagement ring. He said it was a lot of money if I wasn’t sure which is why he texted me a picture of it. Me saying I would prefer something else, again made him think it was because of the cost of it and that wouldn’t be a factor to stop him treating me. I was at work and so I had to tell him no over text. But saying a hard ‘no’ is as hard as hearing that your present idea is rubbish, because you don’t want to hurt them.

    So I get why you’re upset and I’d probably be upset if my husband had bought me the necklace. I don’t know if it’s pushy, I suppose it would depend on how many other things he’s done that are pushy. I think it’s a case of trying to talk to each other and say that you both might have miscommunicated because you didn’t want to hurt the other.

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