(Closed) My husband had a necklace made for me after I told him not to

posted 4 years ago in Married Life
  • poll: Reaction?

    Relax. He gave you a gift. Say thank you and move on.

    This is an unacceptable blatant disregard of your feelings

  • Post # 46
    Member
    853 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    Your husband custom designed you a piece of jewelry and you are complaining about it and asking strangers for help because it isn’t exactly what you like. For goodness sake, take a look at yourself. 

    You are saying it’s about him listening to you and not the jewelry. In that case, go talk with him about it instead of complaining about him online.

    Post # 47
    Member
    3878 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    I would be annoyed that he didn’t listen to me. You told him multiple times you didn’t want it and he ignored you. Now you are supposed to act like you love it? I would be annoyed he spent so much money on a non returnable item that I repeatedly told him I didn’t want. Giving jewelry is super sweet, blatantly ignoring you and going ahead to give you an expensive gift you said you didn’t like is not. I would tell him, “While this is so sweet and I know it means a lot to you, it’s not my style as I told you multiple times before you purchased it.”

    Post # 48
    Member
    1586 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: April 2017

    View original reply
    Smoochism :  I completely agree with you. I would feel very annoyed – it sounds like OP didn’t drop subtle hints or send mixed messages, she very clearly communicated “I do not like or want this” and he went ahead and did it anyway. It seems very arrogant, almost like the husband thinks he knows what OP likes or needs better than OP herself. I’d be having a come to Jesus talk with my Fiance if he did this.

    Post # 49
    Member
    473 posts
    Helper bee

    Depends, if he just wanted to have it done to maybe get you to change your mind about it when you see it, but is totally cool if you don’t, without getting all hurt about it, then I dont think its a problem. He might just have been eager to see his own design become “real” and you were the only one he wanted to gift it to. And he can *obviously* not wear it himself since I assume it’s designed for a woman.

    Thell him it is beautiful but not your style and display it on a shelf or something! As a home decoration, or frame it if that is possible! 🙂 give it to your (future?) daughter or grandkid or something! 

    If he expects you to wear it is it very concerning though! I’d be very uneasy about that. That would come off as very controlling.

    Post # 50
    Member
    3029 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: November 2016

    I would sit down with him and be honest. Every household is different but, in mine, making a large purchase such as that and also when he knows it’s nothing you would wear would be an issue for me. Especially if your money is joint. 

    In the end I would probably suggest having him gift it to his mother or sister. You could save it for any children or a niece. Or you can let it sit in your jewelry box if you wish. You could get it reset in the future yourself if the stone is something you like just not the setting. You’re not obligated to wear it if you don’t like it in the end. He technically cannot dictate what is done with it once gifted.

    While, technically you cannot dictate a gift and it would be poor form to consult the gifter over it, it’s your spouse so you should be able to communicate with one another especially if this happens again for another expensive item.

    Post # 51
    Member
    380 posts
    Helper bee

    I would be annoyed but I would still say thank you and wear it occasionally and maybe bring it up in a month that you were wondering why he went ahead with something you clearly expressed that you didn’t want. 

    Here’s my somewhat similar situation.

    Last night my boyfriend brought home subs for dinner. Earlier, I had texted him my exact order and he took it upon himself to add 3 extra toppings and have the sub grilled (when he knows I HATE crunchy bread of any kind lol). So I was very surprised when I unwrap my sub and see it covered in sauce (I asked for no sauce) and crunchy as hell, and my mind immediately went to: Why do you think you know better than me? It wasn’t that he had made a mistake reading my text. It was that he thought I forgot to tell him all of these extra things, which annoyed the hell out of me because it felt like he thought he knew more about what I liked than I do.  

    In the grand scheme of things, it’s not a huge deal. I totally get that! And I thanked him for the sub but am looking forward to going back today and buying my actual order lol. But I understand why you felt your feelings were disregarded because I felt the same way over something as stupid as a sandwich lol. He should have listened when you communicated with him and I do think that is a conversation worth having- but give it some time first. 

    Post # 53
    Member
    469 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2016

    View original reply
    TwilightRarity :  +1 for all of your responses. I commented earlier in the thread and was hoping I wouldn’t be the only one disagreeing with the “your husband did something nice, appreciate it” comments. I feel sad for the poster who said men would stop caring as much if you don’t appreciate everything (including a gift you explicitly said you didn’t want). Men don’t get a cookie just for doing something. When your partner listens to you and does something thoughtful for YOU (not with his interests in mind), that deserves some appreciation. But men are not fragile and stupid. They have ears. My husband would never be so egotistical as to go against my wishes and then expect appreciation. 

    Post # 54
    Member
    49 posts
    Newbee

    Pick your battles. This is not something worth getting into a fight about because let’s be honest- if you bring up how upset you are he is probably going to be a bit defensive and pissed that you aren’t just grateful. I understand where you’re coming from but honestly it’s just not worth the discussion.

    Post # 56
    Member
    7558 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    I actually can’t believe anyone is on the husband’s side here? I don’t care that he custom designed it…she told him in very clear language that she doesn’t like this sort of thing and he got it for her anyway. Who does that? Why would you purchase a gift for your wife that you KNEW she wouldn’t like? The gift is supposed to be about the recipient…which this clearly wasn’t since she told him she wouldn’t like it.

    There’s something perverse about it…it’s like he’s saying “I don’t care that you hate this, I think it looks nice on you, so you will have it and you will wear it.” It’s fucked up and controlling. I would be disturbed if this happened to me.

    Post # 57
    Member
    1128 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    Let’s see it OP

     

    Post # 58
    Member
    94 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: October 2016

    Does your husband tend to ignore your opinions and act like he always knows what’s best for you? Is this a one-off or is this part of a pattern?

    I COMPLETELY disagree with all the PPs saying you should shut up and get over it. This is not a case of what style you prefer. This is a case of someone blantantly ignoring you despite repeated, clear instructions. 

    I’ve dated a couple of people like this and it was the WEIRDEST thing. Like, “oh, I like that movie!” — “No you don’t, that movie sucks.” One guy even tried to physically shush me but sliding his open palm (gently) down my face and over my mouth at a restaurant as I was saying “For my side, I’m going to get mashed potatoshhhhhh” (that’s what it sounded like lol). He apparently knew better what I should order(!!!)

    I’ve found that the best response in this situation is to get face to face with the person, look him directly in the eye, and in a neutral tone ask “Why did you do this when I repeatedly told you no?” (or the appropriate variation of that question). Make sure to phrase it as what you asked/said, because that is the real issue, not what you like/wanted. He will sputter, make excuses, and generally not answer the question. So repeat the question again, using the same exact words. And again. And again… until he really answers the question.

    Post # 59
    Member
    189 posts
    Blushing bee

    View original reply
    misskate18 :  I agree with your comment. I don’t know why people are telling the OP to be quiet and be grateful. His behaviour comes across at best tone deaf.

    Post # 60
    Member
    56 posts
    Worker bee

    For our wedding, myself and my husband decided we would choose each other’s wedding rings and present them to each other at the ceremony as a nice surprise for one another but also it seemed like it would be a nice wedding gift to each other also. A lot of people thought we were mad for doing that but as he’d already chosen a beautiful engagement ring and has bought me beautiful jewellery in the past I thought I could easily trust him with this. I had already told him what I liked (style, colour ETC) and one of the things I stressed was that I’m not a fan of wishbone style rings, no disrespect to anyone who wears one, it’s just not my thing. Imagine my annoyance when his best man takes the rings out of his pocket and that’s what he produces. It didn’t spoil the day and I kept quiet about it but a few weeks later I confessed that I didn’t like it and I also told him that I was annoyed he hadn’t listened to me as I told him I didn’t like that style of ring. He told me that as it wasn’t a full wishbone and was just slightly curved he thought it would be ok as the style showed off my engagement ring well. I understood his point but I was still irritated. I told him I needed to change it as I wasn’t happy to wear something every day for the rest of my life that I really didn’t like so I exchanged it for one that was exactly to my taste and only £40 more in cost. 

     

    Moral of the story, we should be able to tell our partners if we aren’t happy with something, especially if they’ve blatantly ignored our wishes. I felt mean for telling him but he was wrong to disregard my wishes. 

     

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