(Closed) My husband had a necklace made for me after I told him not to

posted 4 years ago in Married Life
  • poll: Reaction?

    Relax. He gave you a gift. Say thank you and move on.

    This is an unacceptable blatant disregard of your feelings

  • Post # 61
    Member
    346 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2018

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    amygdala :  I would be frustrated/annoyed in this situation. He ignored your opinion entirely!

    Post # 63
    Member
    469 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2016

    And also, OP, please don’t post a picture of it just so that people can tell you it’s “not that bad” and that they would just suck it up an wear it.

    Post # 64
    Member
    547 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2015

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    pinklemonade12 :  I probably would’ve been not so silently fuming about this for the rest of the night. LOL! Don’t mess with my food.

    Post # 65
    Member
    1255 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2017

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    tiffanybruiser :  I agree, and I’m also surprised and a little disappointed in all the bees saying she should be grateful. Hopefully this atypical of how her husband usually behaves and he will hear her if she tries again to tell him why this bothered her. At first when I read your comment I thought controlling was too strong a word to use, but the more I think about it the more I tend to agree. He thinks he knows what’s best for her and went ahead with something she expressly stated she did not want. Who cares if it was ostensibly a nice gesture? It’s a slippery slope, you know?

    When my now-fiance surprised me with a necklace for our six-month anniversary, I thanked him but it wasn’t really my style- it was a beautiful lab-created emerald, and I loved the color, but the setting was much larger than the jewelry I like to wear. I didn’t say this, but he could tell I was a little hesitant about it, and offered to exchange it if I wanted something smaller (he wasn’t sure how big it would be since he bought it online). I was honest about how I felt, and he exchanged it that same day for another necklace that was simpler, which I have worn every day since he gave it to me.

    I just think a relationship should be a partnership with each person feeling valued, heard, and respected, and there’s no way either of us would do something the other person had repeatedly said they didn’t want, whether or not it was a “nice gesture” or involved spending money.

    Post # 66
    Member
    1255 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2017

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    hollyberry4 :  Right? If the husband loves the style so much, he should wear it! I certainly wouldn’t after he ignored me like that.

    Post # 67
    Member
    274 posts
    Helper bee

    Are you by any chance one of those women, like my best friend, who will deny wanting something that she wants but feels guilty about? Her poor boyfriend always has to decode whether or not she wants it, or is just trying to be frugal or not materialistic. I could see him misinterpreting something she actually didn’t want because she does this, and I’ve told her so. If I tell my Fiance no, it means no and he knows he doesn’t have to think any further into it. 

    Just an idea as to why it could be well intentioned? Otherwise it’s a blatant disregard for your wishes OR a display of just how little you’re being listed to, and I’d be more than a bit annoyed, especially if it came from a joint bank account. 

    Post # 68
    Member
    7553 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

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    mrsptobe2017 :  Yep. For me, a gift’s value is 100% in the thoughtfulness that went into it. If my Fiance took the time to custom design something for me that he thought I would like, I would wear the shit out of it even if I didn’t personally like it. I’m just sentimental that way. Actually, he bought me this dress for Christmas a few years ago that was too big and not really my style…but I could tell why he would have thought I might like it. Imaginng him going into the store, looking at all the options and carefully selecting the item he thought I’d like best put a huge smile on my face. I love that gift, even though it’s not something I would have chosen for myself.

    BUT…if he knew for a fact that I didn’t like that sort of thing (because I explicitly TOLD him I hate it and said do NOT buy that for me!) and STILL purchased it for me…hellz no, that would disturb me greatly. It’s just an asshole move. It’s actually inexplicable to me why anyone would do something like that. It says a lot about a person’s character.

    ETA: Can we also imagine for a moment how different the replies would be if a man came on here and posted about how he has this gift in mind for his wife, it’s a piece of jewelry he really loves, but she told him she HATES it and not to buy it…yet he wants to buy it for her anyway? I can’t imagine that getting much support. So why are people flipping out on the OP? It is confounding.

    Post # 69
    Member
    26 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: December 2017

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    Bunnyang :  She DID talk to him already though. That’s the issue. She communcated her opinion and he totally ignored her. How can you tell her to get over it and learn to talk about it when the whole issue is that he didnt listen to her in the first place?

    OP, I am so sorry about some of these responses. You have every right to be annoyed especially considering it sounds like this isn’t some cheap piece of jewlery but something that might have set y’all back a bit. I have no doubt that half of the people telling you to get over it would be throwing a tantrum in your same shoes.

    Post # 70
    Member
    4746 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    I’m not sure, but I think I would thank DH for thinking of me and picking custom, meaningful jewelry, first. However, I’d follow up asking him (gently) why he decided to get it even though I told him it wasn’t something I wanted.

    He would probably be hurt, but his response is important. I

    (1) If he got it because he thought you were just worried about the cost (and thus pretending you didn’t like it), I would explain that I wouldn’t lie about something like that, but then let it go, as he was trying to get me something nice and misunderstood my objection.

    (2) If he got it despite knowing you actually didn’t want it/like it (not just cost-sensible), then he disregarded your feelings, and I would have much sterner conversation about not thinking he knew me better than I know myself or for thinking his opinons on something I’m expected to wear outweigh my opinions on it.

    (3) If he got it, but didn’t expect you to wear it – just wanted it for the meaningfulness of it (and it’s truly meaningful to you both), then I would thank him for the thought, chide him for wasting the money on something I wouldn’t wear – and then put it away in my jewerly box and let it go.

    Post # 72
    Member
    3035 posts
    Sugar bee

    I’ve been thinking about this since I replied last night.  OP, I do t think you are under any obligation to wear the necklace –  not even once.  Let it collect dust in your jewelry box, and presumably he will realize he wasted money and disregarded your feelings.  And if he ever asks or suggests that you wear it, you can gently remind him, “remember I told you I dislike that style and begged you not to buy it because I wouldn’t wear it?”

    Alternatively, maybe he could wear it?  

    Incidentally, I ran this scenario by my SO, who is also on Team Wife.  

    Post # 73
    Member
    2381 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: NJ

    What a jerk.

    This is a non-problem.

    Post # 74
    Member
    2091 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    I have a question, forgive me if I scanned to quickly and someone else asked already. Are you 100% sure he was not already working on and paying for the necklace before that first “idea” discussion? If he was already working on it/paying for it, then there was nothing he could do at that point. Nonetheless, it is a necklace… Not a car or something that would be an insane expense. Are you in debt because of the necklace? Will looking at the necklace make you throw yourself down a flight of stairs?! Since you don’t like it, you don’t have to constantly wear it. It is a GIFT!

    This is the second necklace thread on here where something that in the big scheme of things is really nothing to stress over. Please, go to the elopement board and check out the one wear a woman had to push up her wedding date and elope because she found out she had Lymphoma on Valentine’s Day. Or the waiting threads where there are women who wish their man would propose with a $5 ring or a piece of yarn and marry them already. If he buys you another girft you dislike, be sure to divorce him immediately… If you flip out on him over this, I hope he promises NEVER to buy you a gift ever again…

    Post # 75
    Member
    547 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2015

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    bebelicious1 :  Um, wow. What? Someone else always has it worse. By your standards, people shouldn’t post about 99.9% of the problems they post about on this board. She had a conflict – didn’t say it was the end of the world – and asked for advice. Just like everyone else does here. She doesn’t deserve to be told she should go elsewhere because she should be lucky she doesn’t have cancer/hasn’t had to wait too long for an engagement. Good grief.

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