(Closed) My husband had a necklace made for me after I told him not to

posted 4 years ago in Married Life
  • poll: Reaction?

    Relax. He gave you a gift. Say thank you and move on.

    This is an unacceptable blatant disregard of your feelings

  • Post # 76
    Member
    7558 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

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    bebelicious1 :  Yeah…totally! Or you know, go to the bridesmaid posts and read about bees losing their shit because their maid of honor doesn’t want to throw them a bridal shower, or the in laws posts where bees are flipping out because their Mother-In-Law looked at them the wrong way. 

    This board covers the whole spectrum of the human experience…which is one reason I like it so much. People write about everything from the death of their child to what color of nail polish looks best with their engagement ring. And that’s ok, that’s the beauty of it. That’s life. We can be outraged about our makeup artist missing the mark one day, and devastated over a death in the family the next.

    Also, you are being disingenuous in acting like the OP’s complaint is just about her “disliking” a piece of jewelry. That isn’t what this is about, and anyone on here who says it is is being willfully obtuse. This is about OP specifically telling her husband on MULTIPLE occasions she didn’t like a piece of jewelry, and him ignoring her preferences and buying it for her her anyway. It is utterly mind boggling to me why anyone thinks this behavior is okay. If your husband told you he hated something, would you still buy it for him? No sane person would. 

    This post is not about jewelry. It is about feeling like your opinions and preferences have been casually dismissed by your husband.

    Post # 77
    Member
    1447 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2016 - St. John\'s Lutheran Church

    I would be annoyed, especially because you are husband and wife – his money is essentially your money. So he spent your money on something you didn’t like and didn’t want. That being said, it’s bought and it can’t be returned, so wear it and say thank you, but clearly you guys need to work on communication.

    Post # 78
    Hostess
    10347 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: March 2014 - Chicago, IL

    6 pages of this thread and the necklace is a no show? Come on OP, the least you can do after all this advice is SHOW US THE NECKLACE!

    I’m in the camp that this post is either 1) fabricated or 2) humblebrag

    Post # 79
    Member
    2169 posts
    Buzzing bee

    Wow– only on the Bee does the thread start one way and turn into this twisted thing where of course the husband is a misogynistic butthole and the wife is an ungrateful bitch. Maybe neither of them are either of those things?! Maybe is was just a HUGE lapse in expectation and communication? I’m sure none of you have ever experienced that, judging by some of the responses. OP– is your husband generally like this? Does he cast aside your feelings? Demean your requests on a daily basis? Ignore your wishes constantly? Knowing that would help shed some light on this. If this is an isolated incident where he “missed” on a gift giving opportunity, I wouldn’t burn him at the stake or slap him with the, “but I’m a FEMINIST DAMMIT, how dare you gift me something I don’t want!”

    If he is the kind of guy who casts aside your feelings on the reg, dismisses your wants, ignores what you say constantly then yeah– I’d be pissed, and NOT about just the freaking necklace!

    I think another PP mentioned a good point, sometimes hearing “no” when you’re really excited about a gift just doesn’t compute. Sorry, I know that doesn’t fit in WB logic all the time, but I know of situations where I’ve REALLY put a lot of thought into a gift and it was a miss. Even with my SO saying things like, ” hun don’t spend the time/energy/money” on that, and trying to let me down easily. In my ears, all I was hearing was– he just doesn’t want me to fuss over him and I WANT to right now. Yep, that makes me a selfish asshole but ya know what– sometimes you just give duds. It happens.

    Post # 80
    Member
    6978 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: April 2016

    What was your reaction when he gave it to you? I can’t imagine how weird/awkward that was to open a gift and see something you’ve specifically told him you didn’t want. Did he say anything after he gave it to you? Like “I know you said not to but…” Anything?

    I don’t understand the opinion of a lot of women on these boards. It seems no matter what gift you ever receive you’re just supposed to “shut up and be grateful.” Are we not allowed to have our own tastes/thoughts/opinions? Or are we all just so starved for love that we should feel lucky any time a man decides to even throw a smile our way? 

    Post # 81
    Member
    2091 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

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    ela0919 :  Yes, in my opinion she should go and see evidence that this is not at all a problem. I find the sense of entitlement from some bees and people in the world to be hilariously ridiculous… Yes, there are way bigger problems than her complaint about a gift. It is a gift, take it or don’t. Wear it or don’t. It was so vital that she has to ask for advice about it, because it is such a problem. Sometimes we need to take a step outside of our own situation to see that something is really not that bad. Yes, we should be grateful for what we have. He did not take a necklace and choke her with it. He did not buy a necklace for another woman. Yes, she said she did not want it, but it is a gift. I stand by my opinion, and I would say the same thing to my friends. I had a friend who was annoyed her now DH paid her credit card bill as a gift instead of buying her something she wanted. Someone can buy whatever gift for you that they want, just as you don’t have to like it. This is not a problem to me.

    Post # 82
    Member
    2346 posts
    Buzzing bee

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    tiffanybruiser :  In my experience, bee’s often take posts at surface value. I don’t even think it’s willful at this point…

    Post # 83
    Member
    1256 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2017

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    bebelicious1 :  And OP said that if she had just been presented with the necklace as a gift, without knowing he was doing it, she would have had a different reaction. It’s not about the gift. It’s about the fact that he did something she explicitly asked him not to do, multiple times. I repeat, it’s not about the gift. It’s about their relationship and communication issues, and, I would argue, his respect for her. It seems to me that she’s bringing it to this forum to ask for advice because this could be a symptom of a relationship issue. All the bees belittling this and accusing her of humblebragging are missing the point.

    Post # 84
    Member
    2091 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

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    tiffanybruiser :  I gave her my opinion. She said nothing about him constantly ignoring her requests or even that he is a terrible gift-giver. If I had a wonderful man, as I do, that would still not be the end of the world to me. Even if that was the case, she cannot change who he is. I am not being “disingenuous” about the reason behind this so called problem. I read every word; I know that she said she did not like it and said so, hence why I asked if she knows when he actually went forward with making the necklace. It may have been too late when she complained to change it (especially if he did not want to spend more money). Nonetheless, my answer remains the same. I am not saying she should be over the moon about a necklace she hates. I said she should be grateful to have a man who would give her a custom-made gift, yes. There are men who give no gifts at all. I would rather think about all the time and effort someone put into something rather than them getting it right. Again, it is a GIFT! You cannot force someone to give you a gift you like, just as they cannot force you to like it! I didn’t tell her she has to like or wear it. Until OP posts something that about how horrible her spouse is otherwise, I will continue to stand by what I said. I do not see a real problem here.

    Post # 85
    Member
    40 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    I’m sorry, but this thread is disgusting. Complaining about receiving jewelry – albeit thoughtfully designed jewelry from your husband on a public forum? Talk about first world problems. (#thestruggleisreal). And to everyone indulging this spoiled woman and calling her husband a jerk – unless he is often ignoring her feelings, wishes and opinions, this is not a thing. If he is, there is a problem. OP, is he an asshole? Does he not understand you? Regardless, you should put him in his place for designing and buying you a necklace that is not totally your style without your permission.

    Post # 86
    Member
    2091 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    mrsptobe2017 : I read what she said, that is why I asked for clarification about when he started the process. She might be assuming it was after that “idea” conversation, but he could have already started the process by then. Anyway, I recognize she thinks he was not listening to her, but she has not mentioned a pattern of this here. I heard nothing else that makes me think this is a problem. I stand 100% by my words. I don’t care how it is dressed up, this is not a problem. Wear it or do not wear it. I don’t think this is worth having a huge fight about. I don’t think this is a big deal at all. Big deal: her spouse doing disappearing acts, her spouse doing drugs, her spouse lying constantly, her spouse is abusive. Her spouse getting a necklace even though she said she did not like it, is not a problem to me for the many reasons I have stated. He can buy it, she can hate it and not wear it. It is that simple.

    Post # 87
    Member
    469 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2016

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    MrsOwen :  Most things on weddingbee are first world problems, so I guess I’m confused why people who are annoyed by that would keep coming back to comment? As someone else said, someone else always has bigger problems. That doesn’t belittle yours. And the post isn’t about jewelry. It’s about a serious lapse in communication by the OP’s husband. He IS ignoring her wishes and opinions. She said numerous times not to get this. That is not unclear language. He disregarded that.

    Post # 88
    Member
    10542 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2016

    I would thank him for the thought behind the gift but also point out that you told him several times it wasn’t you style and ask why he went ahead with it. 

    Post # 89
    Member
    40 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: April 2013

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    kbeexo :  I guess I meant to say ‘the epitome of first world problems’.

    Post # 90
    Member
    7558 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

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    bebelicious1 :  Omg again with the “some people have it worse!!!” logic…

    You are the one projecting all the dramatics on this situation, not the OP. Nowhere did the OP say or remotely imply that getting a necklace she hates from her husband is “the end of the world.” Nowhere did she compare her plight to having cancer…that was your unhinged comparison.

    Back to the matter at hand. Unless there has been a horrible misunderstanding and her husband ordered and paid for the necklace before OP had a chance to tell him how much she disliked it, the situation is inexcusable. And OP makes it pretty clear that’s not what happened:

    “My husband brought up an idea for a a piece of jewelry a couple months ago…I told him I loved the idea but realistically i would not like a piece of jewelry in that shape/color. I was very clear with this on multiple occasions…Then i saw a CAD mock up in his email (over his shoulder). I said that I did not want it made, that I didn’t like it, that again the idea was thoughtful but I was clear: “I don’t like it, don’t go ahead with this.” 

    She said she didn’t like it when he first brought up the idea…multiple times. Then when she saw the CAD, she said don’t go through with it. Her husband had every opportunity to say, “oh shit it’s already done and paid for, sorry!” – but that didn’t happen, which strongly suggests he was very much aware of her dislike for it, made the conscious decision to disregard her feelings completely, and went ahead with with the purchase.

    What is the point of buying a gift for someone if you know for a FACT it’s not something they would like? Seriously, how do you justify that? I would rather not get a gift at all than get something my fiance KNEW I would hate because I told him so multiple times, and yet still stubbornly insisted on buying for me. That is fucked up!

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