(Closed) My husband has a crush on his young classmate and I'm embarrassed for him…

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 136
Member
4 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: May 2016

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readytoleave:  I would totally be out the door. You don’t need this kind of shit in your life. What happens when the next girl doesn’t reject his advances?

Post # 137
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10524 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

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KiwiDerbyBride:  

Yes, this 100%. Out there camping in parents place  , living out of suitcases ,  with  3 young children while he is in the family home, not good. Not for the kids , not for OP . HE is the one who should go ,  not OP.

I dont know what the legal situation is, but a lawyer’s advice on this would be good.  

Post # 138
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1742 posts
Bumble bee

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princessbee1991:  Every now and again I get a little pang of nostalgia for the religion that I used to have.  Then I read things on the internet written by people who think like you and laugh at myself for being so silly. 

OP, I’ve unfortunately seen this scenario play out more times than I would like (I teach at a college)–the only solace (and I confess that it’s more of a bitter, vengeful solace) I can offer you is that the chances are sky-high that 1)she and her friends are all laughing at him and he’s been officially designated as The Creeper or CG (Creepy Guy) or Icky Old Dude or something like that in her snaps, GroupMe chats, or whatever and 2)they feel genuinely angry on your behalf and think you should kick him to the curb.  (eta: In the two situations I’ve been in where this sort of thing escalated and I was a sounding board, I was really moved by the sympathy that the young women felt for the man’s wife and family.) 

I’m so, so, so sorry that you’re in this situation, OP.  I would also suggest building up a support system/counseling system during this time–you need people in your corner reminding you that you were not the problem here.

ETA: I don’t think that our prayer warrior friend’s bad advice can be put down to her age–I know that the vast majority of my former students who are her age wouldn’t dare give such callous advice to our OP.

Post # 139
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14 posts
Newbee

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readytoleave:  i think you need to value yourself. it shocks me that you are not angry. i would be furious. not embarrassed for him bc he isnt a school boy he is a father and a husband. it baffels me this isnt a serious discussion. he is flirting with another woman.  i would be heartbroken if that happened to me. angry at myself for beingnwith him and broken bc he would do that to me.

Post # 140
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2778 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

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princessbee1991:  Part of me wonders if you upvote your own posts…because I can’t believe anyone out there could find that in good taste let alone even write it.

Post # 141
Member
247 posts
Helper bee

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carolinabelle:  Umm I never said that? Nor did I ever say she made him cheat or anything close to that. All I wanted was more information, because I was not ready to make any conclusions based on OP’s first post alone. Clearly, it turns out he reallly is a jerk  based her subsequent posts, but I just didn’t want to jump to conclusions without more information. 

Post # 142
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7965 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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readytoleave:  Enjoy “respecting his privacy”–you don’t need his BS and he doesn’t sound as if he has anything to offer you. 

I’m sorry, Bee. It’s not easy to consider ending a marriage. Though it seems he may have already made the decision for you. You are not awful. You sound like a strong, confident woman who knows her value. Do not forget to take care of yourself–your children need you to do that so that you can be there for them. Hugs.

Post # 143
Member
245 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

I am so sorry this happened to you

Post # 144
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7965 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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princessbee1991:  Oh, Bee. Do you realize how condescending this is? Think about it tihis way: this man took vows. He broke those vows when he treated his wife and children poorly and began chasing a college coed around, even inviting this young girl into his home with his family.

It’s not kind to place the blame on OP–this is his failure, not  hers–and naive to think making him a nice dinner would somehow “cure” him. 

Post # 145
Member
959 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

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readytoleave:  I am sending you a giant hug. You deserve a partner who thinks the world of you. Self-care is important right now. FWIW, I doubt his feelings for his classmate run deep. He sounds unfathomably immature, trying to escape the responsibilities of adult life through fantasies. He says you’re the problem because he doesn’t know HE’s his problem. He can’t stand that you see him for who he is. He wants a sparkly new mirror that will fix his reflection. Don’t worry, “wherever you go, there you are.” But you are gold; you’re awesome. I’m praying for you and your sons.

Post # 146
Member
1308 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I hope you take him tho the cleaners! He can have lots of fun living in a studio apartment in a bad part of town, scraping change out of his thrift store couch to take any woman who will have him out, because his child support/alimony is so high he won’t be able to afford two double cheese burgers-let alone some new luxury life away from RESPONSIBILITIES. Your husband is a total loser! I’m so sorry you are going through this. 

Post # 147
Member
333 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

OP, I am so, so sorry for what you are going through. Your husband sounds like a complete jackass. What he has done is totally sh*tty. The popular opinion here seems to be “go for divorce.”

First of all, I am not religious at all. Neither is my husband. But is therapy for him an option at all? I understand if it’s not…that is a very personal decision. Though I am not religious, I also believe in exhausting all other resources before restorting to divorce. If all else fails, then divorce…if his behavior persists, then he is not worth your misery.

Best wishes, Bee! xoxo

Post # 148
Member
68 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I knew my marriage was over when my now ex H spent the whole night out at a party with work mates…he didn’t bother letting me know he was going to be out all night, and ignored the texts and calls I made.

He finally staggered in at about 6am, virtually crying and constantly apologising…it was pretty obvious he’d got up to something he shouldn’t have with one of the girls.  Even a year previously I would have stayed up all night, worrying myself sick and I would have gone absolutely mental when he did finally show up.

However, this time all I cared about was that he’d woken me up at 6am…I eventually told him to just shut up and go to bed.  I honestly didn’t care less what he’d got up to.   I remembering lying in bed thinking ‘he probably shagged her…meh’.   I left him less than 6 months later.

So I can totally relate to why you aren’t upset.  You just get to the point where you just can’t make yourself care anymore.

Post # 149
Member
2168 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

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readytoleave:  I haven’t read the 147 responses, I had to jump right in. This would have been my life if I had married my ex like I wanted to at the time. My god.

This is just awful. It has to be addressed that’s for sure. He is your husband and you have small children so you have to do it as civilly as possible.

I think… – if it were me – I would take the kids to the Grandparents on a weekend and get some time alone, pour a couple of drinks and ask him to sit down and I would say “here’s what I found.” And then have a discussion/fight/whatever ensues. But get those kids out of the house.

But you also said “the honeymoon has been over for a long time” – do you just mean settling into life as married parents or do you mean you’re both checking out of the relationship? I think that would also determine the next steps.

Post # 150
Member
2168 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

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readytoleave:  Ok, I just caught up on your posts a bit.

Phew. Ok. Here’s the thing. They way that you confronted him, and I totally understand – adrenelin and rage totally deserved – I think is what made him answer like that, defensive and angry. None of it is good and I’m so hurt for you and your kids. That must have been a terribly hard day to carry on with. But what I’m saying is, it was Mars and Venus – you cornered him, he blew up.

What he is doing is wrong. Nooooo doubt about that. But you have kids to think about who are getting scared. I still stand by what I said before, get those kids out of the house and work this out in whatever way. Your kids are 4 and 1. Hug them close and tell them Mommy and Daddy are cranky and having a bad day and they didn’t do anything wrong. Please reassure them. Kids are so perceptive.

I really wish you the strength and energy to get through this one.

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