Post # 152
@SomeoneBlue: Other than reiterating what many other construct poster have conveyed, I’d like to take the time to point out ONE small (yet rather large) discrepency in his story.
You said: “He didn’t sleep with the woman. He met her, wasn’t attracted to her and didn’t want to do anything to upset me.”
Then you said: “He said he would never sleep with someone even if I ever said it was ok..”
Why would he have met this sloot off of CL if he had no intentions of sleeping with her? Sounds to me like he gave it a shot by meeting her (he’s shy, I’m sure it took a lot to even take his fantasies that far) & he found out he wasn’t attracted to her & then gave up on it.
If he had met her and found her highly attractived don’t you think he would have slept with her? The whole point of the meeting was to do just that.
I think he is telling you a falsehood by saying that he could never hurt you by sleeping around, when the truth is that this entire breakdown of your relationship is essentially because he is willing to do just that..
Post # 154
It seems a little unhealthy what your going through…. if either of you have any spiritual roots… use them, and seek their advice. If not, see a counselor and see if it helps.
IMPO, if his desire to step out has overwhelmed your relationship, then it may be healthier for you to leave. Life isn’t a movie, and although comedic antics such as the one in “Hall Pass” may seem funny on the big screen, actually knowing your man wants to be with someone else in ANY way is awful and unfair. You don’t deserve that. If he wanted to whore around then he should have did it before you. Its not your fault you had an active sex life before him, and you shouldn’t feel that AFTER you swore yourselves to each other, that he should now be able to do the same. I agree with the bee who said that if having an open relationship was mutually desired. BUT from what you say, you don’t. This is very saddening and I hope your pain will ease, and your husband will renig on his desires to be with other women.
Post # 155
So sorry you are going through this. It sounds like your Darling Husband is missing something inside himself (and it’s painful) and he doesn’t know how to stop the pain, so maybe it will be other women. Sadly, turning to others (whether casual sex or alcohol or food or etc) never fills that hole. Was he ever sexually molested? O abused in other ways? Sometimes that can lead to lots of confusion about what will make you happy.
He needs to be in individual therapy. Until he can solve the pain he is in, he can never fully be in relationship with you.
You need to be in individual therapy to learn you can love someone else, but you have to love yourself *more*.
Post # 156
@SomeoneBlThis is never ok! He has dessecrated your marriage! And with some CL sloot? Move on! If he neds it elsewhere, let him have all the sex he needs- just don’t let him back in your bed!
Post # 157
I’ve been following this thread on and off and I was just wondering how your visit face to face was when you went down there. I know you’ve gotten some harsh advice here and I’m sorry you’re in a situation like this. This story keeps sticking with me because it hurts my heart to hear that a woman would be treated this way. I send some occasional good vibes your way once in a while. Let us know if things have gotten any better!
Post # 158
I can’t help but visit this post on and off now & then to see if an update has been given. But sadly, my opinion is that somethingblue won’t show up again because she knows we are right, but she has been told everything she wants to hear by her husband at this point. She knows we are correct, but it hurts to face that when she aches to hear the “right things” from the person shes love, even if they those things not entirely truthful…
I hope she gets the courage to come back and write us all, or reread some of the comments, because I truly believe that the damage is done, and she needs to sever her ties, even if it hurts. The fact that her husband could even fathom putting her in such a hurtful situation makes me feel a little whoosy to be honest…
Post # 159
i know this must be very difficult for you to deal with, but i agree with the others, by marrying you are making a commitment to be faithful- that was a choice he made and he should stick to it. sorry if that sounds harsh.
Post # 160
There is no such thing as a “normal” relationship or marriage.
Having established that, and cutting out all the nasty comments many people make about those in polyamorous relationships or open relationships, it’s not too hard to see that you guys want different things from this relationship. Therefore you need to counselling to figure out how you can realign those interests so that they run parallel again, rather than diverging. Unfortunately, counselling may also make you realise that that is not possible or likely in the context. Equally, it may make you realise a simple solution. I don’t know, I am not in your relationship so I can never be in a position to tell you what to do.
Now, as for the whole open relationship thing, I think they’re brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. I don’t have one, no, nor have I ever been in one. But I do think they’re brilliant. People can be very judgemental so just make sure that doesn’t effect you and, when you make the decisions you have to make, you make them based on the love and happiness of you and your husband, not based on what is socially acceptable or “normal”. I know you said you don’t like the idea but it may grow on you. Maybe not but if you are determined to make the relationship work I would recommend trying not let it grow you. Cutesy web comics like this (http://www.polyinpictures.com/2011/05/14/60-the-five-stages-of-jealousy/) may help…. then again, they make just make you bitter if you really aren’t feeling the whole thing.
Ultimately, it has to come down to good communication, being clear and open and honest, and really getting to know yourselves and one another. This is not a failing on either of your parts. As people grow, so too does their understanding of themselves. And hey, people don’t like to admit this, but not everyone is monogamous. And people REALLY don’t like to admit this, but not being monogamous is not bad. It is especially not the same thing as cheating. Whilst it is very sad that your husband feels different or confused about what he wants now, he isn’t really to blame and he isn’t trying to hurt you. Keep in mind that he loves you, obviously, and is trying to be ethical about this. (The Ethical Slut is another good book, so I’ve heard from many friends.) He sounds like a good man to me and I wouldn’t give up just yet on the hope that you guys can find a solution that you are both comfortable with.
I wish you the best of luck. (and sorry it switched to italics, I can’t change it back!)— VickyAurea
Post # 161
Ouch! I am so sorry to hear about this. I didn’t know a situation like this could ever exist in real life. I wish that you two hadn’t rushed into marriage. (Yes, it was rushing if he hadn’t gotten his sex fantasies out of his system before being married!)
I wish that you are able to learn from this and become smarter about such things. I am sure the PPs have posted some great advice already so I won’t say much except that I hope everything works out for your marriage and your sanity.