(Closed) My husband is a drug addict

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
27 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Are there children in the house?

Post # 4
Member
8601 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

I’m really sorry, how awful. I personally would not stay with, or marry, an addict. Even a recovered one. I can’t tell you what to do of course, it sounds like you want to stand by him. I would not have any children though, and if you do already, then I think you must leave.

Post # 5
Member
2070 posts
Buzzing bee

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MrsWishyWashy:  I’m so sorry you’re both going through this. It sounds like a horrible position to be in.

That said, I think your husband needs to decide whether he loves you more or the drugs.

Post # 6
Member
1113 posts
Bumble bee

Addicts are not reasonable or rational people, but I’m sure you already know this.  I don’t know how you could justify staying in the marriage.  I get you are comfortable together, but unless he nixes ALL drugs (no, not even “just pot”), I would personally never trust him further than I could throw him.  Addicts need to remove themselves from all substance to prevent any relapses.  

Best of luck to you, and please don’t make any babies with him.  

A life of lies and deceit will be miserable.  

A lot of folks are “functioning addicts”.  All that does is make it easier for people to excuse their behavior…

Post # 7
Member
1849 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I work with a criminal defense lawyer right now and see a LOT of drug cases, and my mom is a federal crown attorney who deals mostly with firearms and serious drug offences. 

meth is crazy – it is SO hard to get off of, and it changes people horribly. 

if you stay with him, you have to be ready for police involvement. if you have kids, child services involvement, court dates, fines, jail time, sanctions etc. it is a very serious drug with extremely serious consequences and i see way too many women who are sitting in court waiting for a glimpse of their husband or partner. it’s AWFUL. they have kids, the kids are waving to their dads in the court – it’s a total catastrophe. 

you have to be able to accept that two things can be true at the same time. you can love him, but know that being married to him, as a drug addict who has relapsed twice now and isn’t motivated to quit (by saying ‘it’s just pot’) is a bad idea. 

when i talk to these women, they sometimes tell me about the life they ‘used’ to have. with families, friends, hobbies, goals etc. often they lose just as much as the addict, and they are left to pay the fines, clean up the mess, hire the lawyers, visit them in jail and take care of the giant mess their partner left behind. 

every time i have that conversation, or hear that testimony in court, i think about how tragic and awful that circumstance is, but also, ‘wow, i bet she wishes she’d left’. i sincerely, truly hope that you don’t live your life with a meth addicted husband. however that gets accomplished, through divorce or him getting sober and staying that way – you have to realise that those are the only two ways. either he gets clean…or you get a divorce. so if he’s not serious about getting clean, things will never change unless you leave him. 

 

 

Post # 8
Member
27 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2014

View original reply
MrsWishyWashy:  so sorry for this experience, glad no kids involved. Although I have to be honest, I wouldn’t stay in a relationship like this one. You deserve better, he seems to love his addiction more and addiction to drugs is a very hard habit to break! 

Post # 9
Member
2304 posts
Buzzing bee

I’m really, really sorry! This is a terrible situation because he clearly is an addict and might never kick the habit, but he also is in control (for the time being) and not mistreating you. However, at some point in time, he might fall apart and you’ll have to decide how you want to proceed. 

I’m sending you e-thoughts and hugs!

Post # 10
Member
2340 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

View original reply
MrsWishyWashy:  I’m so sorry you are dealing with this. Addiction is a terrible disease. If you haven’t already done so, it might be helpful for you to join Nar-Anon or some other support group for family members of addicts. 

Post # 11
Member
247 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
lifeswonderful2day:  I think to suggest he loves his addiction more than his wife is a poor understanding of how addiction works. I see addiction as a disease, like cancer, and would do everything in my power to cure my husband before leaving him. That includes spending all my money, quitting my job and something just short forced of forced rehabilitation. 

This may sound extreme, but I would consider moving to a country where he cannot have access to drugs for a while. This is what my aunt did with my cousin with a heroin addiction. They went to a country where it’s extremely difficult to get hold of drugs and forced her to stay there. They couldn’t speak the language, they were completely foreign to the place, and all they did was focus on her rehabilitation. If my husband or children had an addiction, this is what I would do. 

 

 

Post # 12
Member
3014 posts
Sugar bee

Don’t even accept the pot.  

He has to give up all drugs, however serious or benign, or give up you.

Protect your financial assets.

Be supportive by all means but be prepared to protect yourself.

E-hugs.

Post # 13
Member
70 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

I completely disagree with the previous posters. Addiction is a disease, much like cancer, or depression, or bipolar disorder. It is an extremely difficult thing to deal with, but not impossible, and it’s something that can be managed with the right treatments. Statements like “your husband needs to decide whether he loves you more or the drugs” are ignorant statements. It’s not a matter of picking one or the other. I’m sure your husband loves you more than the drugs. I’m sure he hates that he’s controlled by his addiction. It’s not a matter of choosing not to love you.

That said, there are resources out there for you and your husband. I would find a resource group for both of you to attend. Find a NA group in your area. Start at http://www.recovery.org for resources. Find a therapist for your husband. Make sure he goes. Go to a therapist together. You say you think he’s lying to you – that’s something you both need to work out, you need to talk about it. As the wife of an addict, you’ll need some help too. Helping an addict can come with a slew of other issues: anger, mistrust, resentment, etc. Make sure you have a good support system behind you too. 

If you truly feel that you can’t handle this, there’s no shame in that. But, you say that he’s never mistreated you in any way, so it does sound like you two can work on this. Use the resources around you and get some professional help – there are a ton of people out there, just like you. They know what you’re feeling and what you’re going through. 

Best of luck to you, dear. 

  • This reply was modified 6 years, 6 months ago by va-in-ny.
Post # 14
Member
10286 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

People who have not experienced this first hand can get all dreamy about how to fix it, but the truth is you have no control over him or his choices. Zero. You can take away the drugs, but you still have an addict unless they are dealing with their issues.

He can love you and still be unworkable as a husband or partner. That is the really tough thing. 

It is heart breaking. I would get to an al-anon meeting if you can. Only you know what you can live with. I am so sorry for your pain and the loss you must be feeling right now.

Post # 15
Member
1668 posts
Bumble bee

“he’s never missedwork, has a successful business, never slacked on responsibilities”— so he’s a functioning drug addict? great, still a drug addict. This part of your post sounded like you were making excuses/defending him, enabling him even. We know you love him and he obviously loves you… he just loves drugs most. And it doesn’t matter how ‘functional’ he is right now, the drugs will break him down eventually and destroy everything. He’s already proved that his love for you is not strong enough to keep him sober, you can’t help him he needs to help himself. The drugs are the love of his life, you are just his mistress.

You don’t have children but what is you did accidentally end up pregnant? Would you want to raise your child with a druggie father? And seriously, what would you tell a young girl to do in your situation? Would you tell her to waste her life away or would you tell her she deserves better?

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