(Closed) My husband is a drug addict

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 16
Member
8291 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

I am really truly so sorry you’re going through this. I won’t say who for various reasons, but I delt with a few family members (and some still to this day) who were/are addicted to drugs. One in paticular whom I am very close to struggled with it for years. I had to see the struggles, and go through them myself at a young age trying to cope with the fact this person was an addict. It wasn’t easy and at times it was scary. They have been clean now for a little over 8 years and these past 8 years have been the best 8 years of my life. 

Coming from this person word for word – An addict can not quit for anyone unless they really want to. They have to want it themselves or it just won’t happen. 

That is the other scary part about it all. It really has to come from them. And then once clean they’re still an addict. They’re not addicted, but will always be an addict and can NEVER hang out with other addicts, do any sort of drug (including pot) or they will spiral out of control. That is a life long sentence for not only the addict but for their loved ones. 

As hard as it all is there can be a light at the end of the tunnel. I promise you there can be. He just has to want it! It sounds like to me you’re as of now sticking by his side. If you are you will need to have someone you can lean on. Someone other than him. Weather it’s a friend, family member, counselor or a group you need to find someone ASAP! It’s going to be a journy and to take it head on you will need a lot of support. I wish you and your husband all of the best. And HUGS! Please know there are people out there who know what you’re going through and will be there to listen and support you.

Post # 17
Member
27 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2014

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charlie486:  Thank you for your reply, I too would do anything for my child as your aunt did for hers. Harder when it’s the person you are with who is your significant other as they are adults and you can’t just make them leave. I agree it’s a tough thing, drugs that is and it is a sickness and you can’t just quit, it doesn’t work that way. And since you can check yourself out of rehab at any time it doesn’t work so good either, you have to want it for yourself. Insurance doesn’t cover very long either so money becomes a problem with rehab as well. It is very sad and I wish there were more long term solutions for people with addictions to drugs. Like you said going some place where there is no communication etc. Then not living in the same area around the same people if one can. It is a long hard road.

Post # 18
Member
1782 posts
Buzzing bee

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MrsWishyWashy:  Intervention time. My brother didn’t get sober until his wife said “get clean, or I’m leaving you.”

For an addict, marijuana IS a problem. It’s not “just” pot. It’s a drug. It provides a high. I don’t have anything against pot, but for addicts, I do. For someone who’s already an addictive personality it can lead to worse.

I would be telling him it’s me or the pot.

Post # 20
Member
588 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

it saddens me how many people say to just leave. Marriage vows only go so far and I suppose there is a reason more and more people are opting out of traditional vows to be together in sickness and in health.

truth of the matter is, he is sick. I have a family of addicts and I know how it works, I am not niabe. I also know that throwing in the towel is also not always the answer, even if it is the easiest answer.

op a short break may be necessary so you are not pulled into this mess but of you dont want out of your marriage, work for it. You can’t change him, he has to want to change. But you can and should support him changing. Encourage, express that you cannot be there until he makes an honest choice to change. Dont threaten divorce unless you mean it. But for your health and safety you should leave until he gets help and you should seek counseling yourself to learn how to communicate with an addict, it really helps to step into a few meetings to understand how he feels.

ultimately if he doesn’t change leaving him may be the only positive choice, but I don’t believe the moment things get hard you should bail. Try first, attend a couple NA meetings, support his effort to change and show him your support but also dont let this get to you. You need space until he can clean himself up. For your health and safety

Post # 21
Member
736 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015 - Backyard

Good that he’s calling the counselor. Whatever ends up happening, don’t be an enabler. Tell him its not fair to you to be living the life of an addicts wife. He’s already had two strikes. I’d say, if he can’t get it together, this will be his last strike and you’re out! I really hope he pulls through for you and for him. Once an addict always an addict so be prepared to help him stay away from bad choices, whether drugs or something else to replace that. No alcohol either.

Post # 22
Member
2021 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015 - Ruby Princess

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va-in-ny:  is the only one whose head is not up their ass on this one. Most ppl don’t understand the disease of addiction. Please go to alanon or narcanon and learn about it. Seriously ppl are so ignorant and high and mighty about it. There is hope. If he wants to recover, he can. It does have to be totally his choice, and he has to put in the work.

OP, can’t tell you what to do here, and it’s a difficult situation. Your husband can recover. We do recover!

signed,

recovering addict, 4 1/2 years clean

Post # 23
Member
10286 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

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amandajane4949:  so all of us have our “heads up our asses”? How disrespectful and silly of you.

 I recommended al-anon  and told her the truth, only she can make this decision. 

I grew up in the program and around rehab and recovery for a family member all of my life, longer than you’ve been sober, so I have to laugh at you saying none of us know what we are talking about.

One of my family members is also a professional counselor to drug addicts and alcoholics. Additionally, plenty of us are experts on living WITH an addict, which is not the same thing as being one.

There is no reason to feed the partner of an addict false hope. Families of addicts have plenty of that. Decisions need to be made based on what is and what she can control. Even if he gets sober. This is part of recovery for family members. the family’s recovery is NOT about the addict. 

 

Post # 24
Member
771 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2016 - Blue Hound Farm

I can offer two perspectives to this, that of the recovering addict ACS that of the SO of a now recovering addict who wasn’t for quite some time.

First, recovery is absolutely possible if you have the willingness to change every and anything. I just celebrated 10 years last Friday. I got clean because I got to a place where I had lost everything, and literally has no choice left. Thank God I wasn’t a functional addict who could keep my life together, or who knows how long it would have taken me to stop, if ever.

My SO was also not a very functional addict, although he did manage to continue to work until the end. I think for him, the fact that he could continue to somewhat keep things together fueled his misbelief that he could “handle it”. He was clean when I met him, but relapsed numerous times over the period of about 3 years. LITERALLY THE MOST PAINFUL SITUATION EVER. 

I also suggest a 12 step group for you, regardless of whether you stay or leave. It really helps to have other women who are going through similar situations to talk to. My experience was that nar anon was mostly parents of addicts, while alanon was more spouses, but it could be different in your area, so worth checking out both. Feel free to message me if you’d like to talk. 

  • This reply was modified 6 years, 6 months ago by cherryiice.
Post # 25
Member
1059 posts
Bumble bee

There are a lot of judgments thrown out in this thread.  I’m pretty shocked. 

OP, good luck. 

Post # 26
Member
730 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

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swirlyclover86:  You must be new to this site!  Topics that evoke such a visceral response tend to get really heated.  

 

But seriously– I think the OP just wanted to vent and get some feedback from others who have either been addicts or are close to addicts.

 

 

  • This reply was modified 6 years, 6 months ago by .
Post # 27
Member
492 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

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MrsWishyWashy:  so sorry to hear you go through this… Especially it being your DH… I have a little brother addicted to meth recently 🙁 and I feel your pain…. It Hurts… Has your DH personality change for you to notice that he has been doing harder drugs then pot? I’m afraid to be around my brother now days as he is very aggressive & is very negative.. Sleeps in his car when he is paranoid etc. try to talk to him with how you feel and how it effects you deeply. Show your feelings, that way he sees how hurt you are by this. I don’t have advice as we are still trying to figure out a way to help my brother….   

Post # 28
Member
1265 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

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MrsWishyWashy:  I have no advice, but I empathize with you. This must be horrible. (((Hugs)))

Post # 29
Member
46 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2017

I was with an addicted over 8 years. I broke up with him after he relapsed. I could no longer deal with the lies, mistrust, pain. I thought he was the love of my life. That changed when I met my current SO. I realized I had been caught in an abuse cycle for years. I’m not trying to sound harsh, but at some point you have to worry about you. You can only help someone who wants help. 

Post # 30
Member
1949 posts
Buzzing bee

It sounds like he is a functioning addict (Which the majority of addicts are) and only using drugs rectionally. (much like everyone else drinks a beer or has a glass of wine)  Truth is most drug addicts fall in to this category and never experience the stereotypical catastropic consequences that the media would have you believe happens to all drug addicts.  Typically this type of addict has a good support system of friends and family, strong pressure to succeed in life and positive feelings about their life.  

Dysfunctioning addict would be using to excape from problems and their use is rooted in depression and despair.  

 Have you talked to him about why he is using drugs?  Usually once a drug addict always a drug addict and there is nothing you can do to change his behavior.  If you want to stay with him you may want to seek counseling so you can handle if and when his drug use becomes out of control.  Or rooted in the latter group of addicts.  

Do your research and dont approach the subject like he’s a statistic. Since you dont want to leave him, this obviously isnt a deal breaker for you.  If you wish he rather not lie about it, tell him.  I believe full disclosure is best in a relationship and that may be what you need to feel safe. No ones perfect and he is luck you have you! I wish you the best

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