(Closed) My husband is a drug addict

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
Member
2070 posts
Buzzing bee

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va-in-ny:  You might be surprised to find out that I’m not ignorant. There has been addiction in my own family and have friends who were addicted and are now sober. Yes, you can legally force addicts into rehab in some states, but there is really not much anyone can do to help an adult who chooses not to be committed to remaining sober. Her husband is an adult who needs to make his own choices and the statement it’s “just pot” conveys either a lack of awareness or a lack of commitment to being sober.

It’s heartbreaking, but there is a choice that needs to be made on his part of what is important to him because I don’t think that it is feasible for OP to stay in this relationship if he does not want to help himself. It would be really hard to shoulder all of the responsibilities that she would have to with regards of making sure he is where he needs to be and doesn’t come into contact with bad influences unless she’s around him all the time. And if he chooses not to be committed to remaining sober, then there will be even more heartbreak waiting, unfortunately. That is what I meant with my hurriedly-typed statement and I apologize if it came across the wrong way.

Yes, addiction is a disease, but there are choices people can make to manage it. OP’s husband is not currently making good choices to manage his addiction. No one can permanently quit his addiction for him. He needs to want to quit and prioritize wanting to live a sober life in order to quit and remain sober. People need to be completely committed to any lifestyle change. And even when that commitment exists, there will be ups and downs and relapses and almost-relapses.

I think you’ve given good advice to the OP, but I do still think that any addict needs to want to quit and remain sober or it’s not going to happen long-term. At least that’s what I’ve seen with my own eyes.

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Tinatiny1:  I completely agree.

Post # 33
Member
485 posts
Helper bee

OP, I just wanted to say that my thoughts are with you and that I hope you and your hubby can get help! My Fiance is a recovering drug addict and he has 2.5 years clean, but sometimes I can’t help but have the “what if he relapses?” thoughts in the back of my mind because idk what I would do if he did. I don’t really have any other advice that PP have already said but I wish you the best!

Post # 34
Member
2735 posts
Sugar bee

 

He may be the love of your life, but the love of his life is DRUGS. You may be a close second, but you are SECOND to his love of narcotics.  Leave NOW.  You can’t help him unless he wants help.  He will drag you, and any children yo have,  down. Life is too short to waste it with someone whois toned all the time.

Post # 35
Member
752 posts
Busy bee

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va-in-ny:  I agree completely with you. I work at a Psychiatric hospital and I see so many of these cases. Addiction is a disease. It’s a horrible, life-long, disease. I think with the right help and treatment you two will be ok!

Post # 36
Member
6586 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

I have experience with many addicts and all the successful ones have something in common- they take their sobriety seriously and work their program EVERY day. I have an uncle who goes to an AA meeting every day- 40 years sober. But I know many more who are highly functional and can’t stay clean- most of those are alcoholics. I’d bet it’s hard to be a functioning meth addict long term.

Post # 37
Member
1225 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

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MrsWishyWashy:  I’m very sorry that you’re dealing with this scary issue. I know a lot of people have said “Leave him!” but only you can make that decision. I definitely think you should proceed with caution and find support so you don’t get lost along the way while supporting your husband. 

Only you can make the decision but you’ve written that you love him, he seems to have a willingness to stay sober (not sure how I’d feel about the marijuana thing, though), and we are supposed to love our spouses in sickness and health. Addiction is an illness. That being said, my best friend divorced her husband because of ongoing drug issues, dishonesty, and abuse – so you definitely have to do what’s right for you. 

I wish you all the best. 

Post # 38
Member
67 posts
Worker bee

I’ve worked with addicts for quite some time. I know you love him and he loves you, but sometimes love just isn’t enough. If you are willing to live the rest of your life with an addict/recovering addict, then i guess you have your answer. He has to be willing to stop and no matter what you or anyone else says, he won’t until he’s ready/able. I’d be concerned about finances and your happiness down the road. Whatever you choose to do, Id join a support group. Best of luck.   

Post # 39
Member
769 posts
Busy bee

What 

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Lokie85 said!

He does not sound like a dependant addict; he just sounds like someone who used drugs recreationally and developed an addiction: two rather different scenarios.

If he is able to function and is loving and respectful toward you, I don’t see why you should leave him. It doesn’t sound like drugs are a dealbreaker to you. Heck, with my experience with drug users, I think you leaving him would only resort to him turning heavily to drugs to cope with your loss and the pain of your leaving. I think if you both want it, you can work through this together with counseling and the right tools. Have faith in him and fight with him is what I say!

Post # 40
Member
959 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

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MrsWishyWashy:  I have no idea if this could help, if you could afford it, etc. but there are some newer prescriptions (naltrexone) that are apparently helping with drug addiction. They definitely need to be used in conjunction with psychological treatment, counseling, etc. He would need to want to stop though. To really stop. He has quit before and he can quit again.

Post # 40
Member
4113 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I know a number of addicts, some of them take recovering from their disease seriously and some do not. The ones who do, do not use substances at all.. I would be incredibly concerned if a recovering drug addict ‘who wants to be clean’ is smoking pot. That just doesn’t compute to me.

If he really wants to be sober (and have you in his life), the pot needs to go and you both need to seek your own therapy. Your husband has been clean, you know he’s capable.. I think you can make this work if he really wants to live a clean life and you’re really up for the challenge of being with someone who has a lifelong struggle ahead of them.

 

Post # 41
Member
498 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

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MrsWishyWashy:  You have to draw your line in the sand and stand your ground. If drugs aren’t a deal breaker for you then demand open communication. If drugs are a deal breaker for you then demand he cease use of all substances, recreational or not. 

This is coming from someone who has lived with a heroin drug addict (with no desire to get clean) in my family for the greater part of 2 years. It was and has been completely parasitic and ended with his arrest.

Just because he’s been functional doesn’t mean that he’ll remain that way. You’d be rolling the dice on how bad his addiction could get. I know a functional meth user and his teeth and skin are absolutely horrid. 

Weed is a gateway drug for recovering hardcore addicts and it’s been proven by his previous relapse (Pot then Pills then Meth). History will simply keep repeat itself. Is true sobriety serious to him? Is it a requirement for you? Only you know those answers and what you will deal with. 

Post # 42
Member
1463 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

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charlie486:  
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va-in-ny:  Addiction is not a disease like cancer. People barely have any control of how cancer turns out. That’s a bad analogy. Addiction is more like diabetes, which can be managed with lifestyle changes. There is choice involved in addiction when someone gets to the point of being completely clean, like OP’s husband was before he started using again.

And yes, I have experience with addicts. To take away the fact that there are choices involved after a certain point is disempowering to people who are trying their hardest to overcome addiction and live a sober life.

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