(Closed) My husband is selfish

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
3580 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I was your husband recently and I want to give you some perspective.  1) he’s not married to your brother and doesn’t feel obligating to bail him out and that’s okay, 2) he shouldn’t call you names although his comment intrigues me as it infers that your brother is conning you – is this repeat behavior? 3) Some people just REALLY don’t like to lend out their hard earned money, myself included.  I also don’t ask other people for money, though so that’s the big diff. 4) if there was anybody your hubby would borrow from, it would be you, so I don’t weigh this as super important to your agrument.

What is your perspective on household funds and the kids?  I am new to this angle of marriage because we don’t have kids and I have seen other people explain both sides – that the kids are your responsibility since their father is likely contributing the other half (although I am not sure I agree with this) and full adoption of the children so they’re a ‘household responsibility’.

Post # 4
Member
9482 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2012

You two don’t combine finances at all?

Post # 5
Member
1485 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@WillyNilly

She’s not asking him to loan money to her brother. She already did. She is now short since her brother did not pay her back. She’s asking her husband to help her with her bills and he is saying no. He may not agree with her loaning out money to her brother but it sounds like she loaned her husband money at one time so he could get an upgrade in his car (which is a luxury, not a necessity) so I think the husband could be a little more understanding.

Post # 6
Member
1575 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Considering the circumstances, I completely understand how the OP feels. I suggest that if he is going to be that way about money that you watch yours closely and prepare the best you can for your future.

Post # 7
Member
691 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@mrskisstobe:  How did you guys come up with your method of dealing with money?  I’m not trying to be critical, I’m just trying to understand. Was it he that insisted things be kept separate or did you?

Post # 8
Member
3461 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@Tatum:  Hmm, I think this is a good recap, but what bothers me is that she chose to lend a large enough sum of money (given she’s having financial difficulties now) without discussing it with her husband.  If I were her husband, I’d be bothered too by that decision!  She choose to lend without involving him, I can see him saying “then get out the mess yourself.”  I personally don’t agree with that philosophy, but, she did start it.  I think he ought to lend, but then sit down for a serious conversation on finances.

Post # 9
Member
424 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

There seems to be a clear line drawn between separating finances in your relationship.  I don’t agree with that, but if that method generally works in your relationship, then IMO he doesn’t owe it to you to recover what you have lent out.  He could though, just out of the kindness of his heart.  

 

Has this brother been careless with your, your husband’s or his money in the past?  Maybe this selfishness is not just from a one-time incident?

Post # 12
Member
64 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

In my opinion, money should never be loaned with the expectation of getting it back. If I loan money and get it back, great! But I never loan enough that I MUST get it back to survive.

Also, maybe because we share finances, I would have run the idea past my Fiance.. Just so he could be prepared if we weren’t paid back to chip in more for groceries or whatever… Also it’s a respect thing for us. If we make a large financial decision we do it together, as a team.

But seeing how it’s done and you haven’t been paid back… I think it’s unfair for your life partner to turn his back on you and your children when you need him and his help. My Fiance and I always refer to eachother as a “Team Last Name” or “Partners” in life’s sticky situations, and I would be hurt if he refused to help me.

Sorry you’re going through this.

Post # 13
Member
9482 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2012

@mrskisstobe:  Honestly, I think you two need to sit down and talk about your financial situation and perhaps come up with a better way to go about it.  I’m not trying to be harsh either, but this seems to be a start of a bigger problem down the road.  Best of luck to you and I sincerely hope you two can work it out together as husband and wife.

Post # 14
Member
3580 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@Tatum:  Ahhhh, well then he is being a turd.

@mrskisstobe:  Well that’s a shame.  Although, I know that most family’s write off loans of money, I know mine and my fiance’s do.  Again, calling you names for being a good sister is unfair. And you guys should start running things by each other BEFORE you do this stuff. 😉

Post # 16
Member
2103 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I do think there’s a valuble lesson to learn here…namely do not lend money that you can’t afford to not have paid back. I can see how that might frustrate your husband to see you doing that…especially considering you didn’t discuss it with him at all before doing it. My husband and I have seperate accounts and then one joint account which we only use for household things that we will both use or dinners out. I would be frustrated if he spent a large ammount of his own money without discussing it with me first, then had to come to me to pay more than the agreed upon half of the household bills. He doesn’t HAVE to talk to me about any of his purchases, but he should if it’s going to potentially cause an issue in OUR shared interests.

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